Melina Havelock

"I'm half-Greek, and Greek women, like Elektra, always avenge their loved ones"
Appearance: For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Played By: Carole Bouquet

For Your Eyes Only is the twelfth film in the James Bond series and the fifth to star Roger Moore as 007. One of the least iconic of the movies, FYEO has the dubious responsibility of bridging the gap between the abortions that are Moonraker and Octopussy (despite the latters glowing review from Homer Simpson)
FYEO returns the Bond franchise to the world of espionage and, despite Bill Conti's "Rocky outtakes" score and some completely flat slapstick comedy, it is one of the better written stories in the series with more realistic characters than those expected from a Moore 007 film.

James Bond is called to Greece to investigate the murder of marine archaeologist Sir Timothy Havelock and his wife, gunned down during a project to recover a device responsible for the co-ordination of Polaris submarines, the ATAC. Bond tracks Havelocks assassin, Hector Gonzalez, to a palatial estate, but before he can question him, Gonzalez is killed as he dives into his swimming pool, struck by a single bolt fired from the crossbow of Sir Havelock's daughter, Melina.
Thus, 007 and Melina team up to work together on both his mission and her personal vendetta, avenging her parents murder (Despite Bonds assurance her that one pursuing revenge "should first dig two graves")



Melina Havelock, played by French actress Carole Bouquet, is a natural beauty with Mediterranean good looks, piercing eyes and very long and straight dark hair. Speaking in seductive, hushed tones, Melina is arguably the first Bond girl in a long time to break rank of the cliche, being tough, intelligent and truly independent, capable of dropping a man with her trusty crossbow or doing some wacky stunt driving in a Citroen 2CV.

Definitely the most emo of the Bond Girls, Melina spends almost the entire films duration looking pissed off (Well, I guess her parents HAVE just been murdered) this kinda knocks her back and forth between acting like a focused woman of vengeance and a sulky teenager who didn't get tickets for Fall Out Boy.
No, Miss Havelock is not a big one for smiling, or shaving for that matter, as the grey line constantly trailing her top lip will attest to.
I guess it's that "Mediterranean look" right?

Moustache or no moustache, In a series which has a tendency to present its females as weak and useless, Melina Havelock is a breath of fresh Grecian air, and still stands proud as one of the best written Bond girls. Melina is beautiful, lethal and honourable and her character is never required to resort to the the usual forced "Bikini/Evening gown" scenes in order to look sexy.
Whilst For Your Eyes Only is not a Bond film people often reference in conversation, Melina Havelock gives the viewers a glimpse of the hard-edged direction female Bond characters would take in much later years.

Sylvia Trench

"I decided to accept your invitation"
Appearance: Dr. No (1962) From Russia With Love (1963)
Played By: Eunice Gayson

James Bond is first introduced to the moviegoing public in the film adaptation of Ian Fleming's Dr. No. As the first film to feature the soon to be legendary secret agent, Dr. No is responsible for laying the foundations of the James Bond "template" which would be fine-tuned until they final settle on the formula with Goldfinger.

After British agent Strangways is murdered in Jamaica, MI6 send out for one of their top agents: James Bond 007. An MI6 official arrives at Le Cercle casino in London where we find a beautiful woman playing Baccarat with a sophisticated gentleman in a stylish tuxedo.
After the man defeats the woman in a round, she asks the casino for more money, at this point the gentleman takes out his cigarette case and exclaims:
"I admire your courage, Miss..?"
"Trench" replies the girl "Sylvia Trench... I admire your luck, Mr..?"
"Bond." replies the gentleman, lighting his cigarette "James Bond."

With that short exchange a character who will provide consistently successful and entertaining movies for decades has been cemented in cinema history. Miss Trench leaves the table and moves to the exit, Bond follows her and questions her on any other games she has talent in, they agree to a round of golf to be played the following morning.


After receiving his assignment Bond returns home to find the delectable but apparently impatient Miss Trench has upped and broken into his apartment. Generally, I'd be expecting Connery to launch into his woman-whacking ways. Fortunately for Sylvia, she has bedecked herself in one of his shirts and an absolutely killer pair of gold heels, putting golf balls toward a cup in the centre of the room, her fantastic legs filling the frame in a scene that made many censors balk.
Seconds later, Sylvia and Bond and in each others arms. Despite her creepy but coy habit of keeping her right eyebrow almost permanently raised, Bond is all over the sexy socialite. The scene then fades into Bond travelling to Jamaica.

Sylvia Trench has a small role, but is hugely important in the bigger picture as she can be classed as the very first "Bond Girl" Trench is the archetype of the kind of beautiful woman who will melt into Bonds arms at the drop of a hat. Looking absolutely incredible whether donning an evening gown for a night at the casino or wearing a shirt and heels for a spot of breaking and entering, Miss Trench sets the standard for the hundreds of women to follow in her footsteps. Sylvia's delivery of her name also feeds Bond the infamous line which will become his iconic introduction.

In From Russia With Love, Bond's second adventure, we see Sylvia again, chilling with Bond by a countryside canal, having lost none of her charm. This makes her the only Bond girl to appear, playing the same character, in more than one film. The rumour is that Miss Trench was to be a recurring character, constantly seen hanging with 007 just before he gets called away to duty, but this idea was dropped.

Sylvia Trench may not have the biggest role in the film, she is often forgotten in the wake of the later scenes starring Ursula Andress, but the few minutes she is on screen pave the wave for many of the ladies to come. Miss Trench's contribution to the series is immeasurable.

Roy Adams

(First Appearance: Operation WOLF)
Those who remember the 80's well are getting old now. They will also remember that, spearheaded by Arnold Schwarzenegger's fantastic Commando, a whole slew of movies hit the screens and big box video market featuring lonesome guys tooling up and taking on armies of men. These behemoth battletanks would be armed to the teeth and would stand stock still, gunning down wave after wave of mercenaries running at firing at them from all directions.

Despite training, these armies would always miss their target and receive the hot steel rain delivered by the unstoppable before them. This scenario was so testosterone building and adrenaline pumping that it was custom designed for videogames.
In 1987, Taito released, no, UNLEASHED Operation WOLF into the arcades. So there was to be no confusion whatsoever what this game would consist of, the awesome intro features a typical "Tool up for war" scene as Green Beret Roy Adams prepares to pump lead into hundreds and hundreds of trained soldiers in a mission to rescue a group of hostages and escort them to safety over the six locations that comprise of the enemy camp.

Adams parachutes into battle and gets to work, systematically making his way through enemy territory, destroying communications, gaining intelligence and freeing the hapless prisoners from the concentration camp. The on-rails style leads me to believe that he is ACTUALLY STRAFING ON FOOT through each location, massacring every single man who dares pop their head up from behind a rock or window.
Adams is so steely that he can bring down armoured cars and helicopters with his Uzi 9mm, he is just so gung-ho unstoppable that I choose to believe he was given a platoon of men to work with him on the mission, but he turned them away because he thought it would be LOLs to go it alone.

Upon reaching the final level, Adams runs alongside the rescue plane gunning down stragglers of the long since defeated force that dared raise a gun barrel in his general direction. The plane takes off and our hero sparks up a cigarette, celebrating a job well done. We are left to imagine him going home to what I believe is some hideaway in Alaska where all he does is hunt animals and bang women until he is called up again to deal with some other terrorist threat.

Roy Adams would return alongside token black sidekick Hardy Jones for the far more insane Operation Thunderbolt. By this time Adams and mastered the art of running forwards as some missions scroll into the screen, he's a pretty adaptable guy.
Adams has not been seen in quite some time, but his legacy remains. A lone soldier, who takes on insurmountable odds single handed and gets the job done with nary a scratch on his person.

When I was Roy Adams, I was a bad-ass, never say die Green Beret, as opposed to what I actually was: a small child sat in front of a portable television waving round one of these:

Ethan Mars

(First Appearance: Heavy Rain)
-DISCLAIMER: I won't implicitly reveal the killers identity, but this entry will contain other plot spoilers-
How far would go to save someone you love?
That awful Hollywood movie poster tagline is cliche, but it is an interesting question. Many games feature a hero who risks life and limb to save a significant other, but Heavy Rain, by self-styled auteur David Cage attempts to have characters ask that question of themselves, then display their answers through acts that go psychologically beyond beating up an army of palette swapped thugs.

Ethan Mars is a young architect whose life has fallen on seriously hard times since the death of his son Jason, killed in a road accident whilst Ethans attention was occupied elsewhere. As a result, Ethan is now a broken man, separated from his wife and living depressed in a stark house where he fails to connect with his second son Shaun, who has become completely distant to him.

Man-up time comes when Shaun is kidnapped, an apparent victim of "The Origami Killer" a child murderer who preys in the area every Autumn, drowning his victims in rainwater and leaving a small Origami animal in their lifeless hands.
Shortly after Shauns disappearance, Ethan receives a shoe box containing a gun, a mobile phone and a series of written trials, which he must complete in order to attain the address where Shaun is being held prisoner: A drain in which the water level is rising daily due to the torrential storm hanging over the city.

Each trial pushes Ethan further and further to the limits of his body and mind, ranging from he performing intricate dares such as driving into headlong traffic and crawling through a tunnel of broken glass, to straight up headfuck horrors as cutting off one of his own fingers and murdering a total stranger in cold blood. Against the clock, Ethan must perform these tasks whilst simultaneously evading the law, who are hot on his trail for performing these acts of public mayhem.

Heavy Rain as a game allows the player to decide how and if Ethan proceeds with these tasks, but whether the player succeeds, fails or simply refuses each trial, Ethan remains a man of broken mind but steel heart. Ethan loves his son and will do whatever it takes to find him, putting himself in situations which cause him no end of physical pain and suffering, not to mention questioning his own sanity as becomes increasingly convinced that he may actually be the Origami killer himself and is setting himself these trials as a redemptive punishment for allowing his first son to die.

Killer or not, Ethan Mars is a great hero. A man rising from the depths of despair and self-pity to try and save his son from a horrible fate. Ethan will put himself through a living hell in order to ensure the safety of young Shaun. Whether he makes it through with his son, his sanity, or even his life is dependent on the player and the choices they make.

Simply put, Mars would be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to save the life of another.
To be fair, that's probably all I really needed to write.

Thayer Alconred

(First Appearance: Thayer's Quest)
Thayer Alconred is probably the politest hero who will grace this list. In fact, he is so softly spoken and gentle that it would be fair to assume he is a background character. But no, Thayer is the hero of Thayer's Quest, a laserdisc arcade and launch game for Rick Dyer's ill- fated Halcyon system, a games console with a price tag that would make even a Neo-Geo think it was extortionate.

Thayer is an apprentice magician who is summoned by the great wizard Druce to recover five ancient relics that make up the Amulet of Power. This amulet, funnily enough, contains a great power that could banish the evil sorcerer Sorsabel from his tyrannical reign over Shadoan, the kingdom that all who are fair and good live in.
I'm not quite sure why the wizard Druce doesn't get the job done himself, I think he said something about being too old, but I'm pretty sure he's just lazy.

So Thayer makes his way through the first three kingdoms of Shadoan, using wit, cunning and mad skills to avoid the many traps, dangers and creatures who would attempt to stop him. Well, he tries to at least, being a laserdisc game, turning down the wrong fork in the road or waiting for all of four seconds usually leads to insta-death syndrome, leaving Thayer to fates such as drowning in a lake, being beaten to death by women or falling into a tar pit.

Fear not, Thayer begins his quest with three spells. Now, I'm thinking a fireball spell, a healing spell and maybe some kind of teleport or super strength spell. Oh, actually Thayer has been armed with a spell of "Seeing" a spell of "Release" and a spell of "Understanding"
Gee.. Thanks.. It's like the Great Wizard Druce is actually Ned Flanders.

Despite his crappy spells, Thayer bravely treads through land, looking not unlike a man who is totally out of his depth, using his deadly skills of good manners and impeccable punctuality to defeat many of the obstacles that would do him wrong. Should this novel approach to fighting evil get Thayer past the Crystal Tigers, Cloud gods and the feared Black Magician, Thayer will arrive at a castle run by an arrogant King. Awesomely, this is where our ultra happy, positive thinking hero loses his shit and ups and murders the king with a sword to the chest cavity.
It's like that moment in Straw Dogs where Hoffman can't take it anymore and goes apeshit.

Thayer's story was supposed to continue over further games, but the Halcyon systems failure led to the cancellation of these games, though in 1998 "Shadoan" was released, a game which essentially finishes of the story, however Thayer was renamed "Lathan Kandor" and his Beatles-esque bowl haircut has been "modernised" into what is essentially a ginger mullet.

Thayer Alconred is a hybrid of many D+D style heroes that feature in 70's cartoons and poundshop DVDs. To his credit though, while his overly quaint and cheerful manner may not really be befitting of a videogame hero, he still manages to take care of business despite his damn crappy "Spell of Understanding"

Please enjoy this video of Thayer's Quests unforgiving insta-death moments, if it teaches you anything about the game, then it's "DON'T GO ANYWHERE OR TOUCH ANYTHING":

Hero (Nosferatu)

(First Apperance: Nosferatu)
Many, many brave men and women stand up and stare death in the face in the world of videogames, with steely reserve and and hearts of iron, they venture up against the odds to defend or to rescue, armed with their weapons of choice or simply whatever they have to hand.
As a result, justice is served and their names go down in history, Mike Hagger, Master Chief, Solid Snake, Commander Shepard and good old Mario. These are well known characters whose names are synonymous with the franchise they feature in.

There are others though, nameless characters from games lacking in reputation and fame. These unspoken legends braved just as much, maybe more so, to achieve their ultimate goal, then vanished into the annals of time, only to be spoken of in hushed tones by the most hardcore hero hunters of all.
This entry is a testament to the heroes of games that didn't quite make it, yet featured a solid protagonist who didn't even have the roar of the crowd on his side.

Also, this particular hero took on Dracula wearing a denim ensemble.

Nosferatu is an obscure SNES game released by Seta in 1994. A shameless hybrid of Prince of Persia and Castlevania, Nosferatu sees an un-named young man venture into the Dark Prince's castle to rescue his love, who vanished overnight, the latest victim of Nosferatu's lust (As the awesomely stylistic intro tells us) Our hero is no Belmont family member, trading in Simon's enchanted whip and armour for a sports suit and boxing skills.
Seriously, this guy is going to take on demons, werewolves, zombies and the evil vampire himself with only a left, left, right cross combo. I'm in awe already.

The brave young man runs through the dungeons, using his athletic ability to vault the gaps and chasms and traverse the miserable terrain, all while collecting gemstones and dropping any evil spirited creature that stands in his way, he also has a strict time limit to work against, as he must reach his woman before she succumbs to Nosferatu's charms and becomes one of the undead herself.
The challenge is immense (not helped by a slightly clunky control system) but the hero fights on, obviously gaining no help from authorities. He is simply a man who loves his girlfriend and will do everything he can to save her life, or die trying.

For this, Nosferatu's hero deserves a place in this list and at least some level of recognition in the good guy hall of fame.
Should he defeat his immensely powerful opponent, our hero will be reunited with the woman he braved everything for, but will he be too late?
Nosferatu is far from a classic game, but it has a classic hero. Just some guy, like you or me, who has lost his all to a fate worse than death, having no option but to enter hell to get her back and fight off some of the most nightmarish creatures in imagination. Should the player fail, they are greeted with this screen:
Call me emo, but in my book, that question isn't multiple choice.

Billy and Jimmy Lee

(First Apperance: Double Dragon)
Do you have a brother? How well do you get on with him?
Sibling rivalry is as old as time itself and the videogame world sure likes to cement the idea that brothers generally aren't in the habit of sticking together. I don't really see my brother and we fought a lot when we were younger but we certainly weren't quite at the same levels as Solid/Liquid Snake brotherly love.

Fortunately, Billy and Jimmy Lee do get along. Good thing, as the gorgeous, mini skirt wearing Marian has just taken a punch in the babymaker as is being carted of to some crazy Aztecan complex by The Black Warriors. Despite turning up on the scene about two seconds after her kidnapping, the brothers must apparently fight their way through four stages of gang members in order to rescue her and bring peace to their garishly coloured world.

Billy and Jimmy Lee are the kind of heroes 80s movies and 90s arcades are crammed with, two guys operating outside the law, taking matters into their own hands and scrapping back to back against insurmountable odds, their palette swapped hair and clothing being the only ways to tell them apart. I'm sure I will go further into this in another post, but Double Dragon represents the kind of hero I would like to be, a guy who, if a loved one was in real danger, would be able to reach some crazy level of super resource and Jason Bourne my way through a gang of muggers, or just some drunk guy in a chip-shop.

Billy and Jimmy Lee, though not the first, paved the way for a slew of "Bro's Vs. everyone" co-op teams, that continues to this very day through games like Gears Of War. Much death and carnage making up for the John Woo-esque homosexual undertones of the "Tough guys together" stereotype (Watch "The Killer" you'll see)
Irony of ironies kicks in once the mission is complete, as upon rescuing the damsel in distress, the brothers who have battled together till the end instantly turn on each other in a fight for Marian's affection
Jeez guys, Bro's before Ho's, C'mon?

Billy and Jimmy would return in various sequels and would also feature in a HORRIBLE cartoon series and an awful movie, played by Mark Dacascos and Scott Wolf, with a sexy Alyssa Milano playing a Tank Girl style Marian and a decidedly un-sexy Robert Patrick playing...some guy, I forget his name.
Billy and Jimmy Lee are the personification of back-to-back, against the odds, street fighting, they have risen above their Godfrey Ho movie sounding names to become the most bouffant heroes in the videogame hall of fame.

..And it was all going so well until a girl got involved. 'Aint it the truth.

Snotty Ragsdale

(First Appearance: Boogerman)
During the 90's platform boom, many one-shot characters appeared, each and every one of them had some form of gimmick. Earthworm Jim was a worm in a cybernetic suit, Zool was a lollipop loving ninja ant thing, Sparkster was a jet-pac utilizing, suit of armour wearing Possum knight.

Boogerman flicked snot.

I'm getting through this one at speed as all things phlegm really makes me gag. Boogerman was basically a platform game made to appeal purely on the fact that kids thinking farting is funny (If you just laughed at that line, I don't know what to tell you) Snotty Ragsdale, aka Boogerman, is a mild mannered millionaire who is sucked into *sigh" "Dimension X-Crement" after a machine that will stop the world's pollution goes haywire. Boogerman must escape this dimension, dodging dangers and vanquishing foes along the way via human secretions and bodily noises.

Yes, Boogerman is a platformer where the heroes weapons are snot, phlegm, farts and burps. Ragsdale can also fart himself to high places and rope swing between platforms using long strands of loogie.
That's really all there is to this hero, snot and fart gags. Kids may have found that pant-wettingly funny, but most kids aren't stupid enough to think that these gags warrant supporting Boogerman's antics over those of a better, or more interesting platform negotiating hero.

The sad part is that Boogerman was really well animated and in a time of nobody videogame icons thrown together to make a quick buck, Boogerman actually looked like he hard solid work put into his movement and design. All for nought though, as a unsuccessful release garnered our hacking hero little more than EGM's "Grossest character of 1994" award.
The ultimate death knell sounded when Boogerman cameoed in Clayfighter on the Nintendo 64. Once you appear in a Clayfighter game, you are fucking done.
There was a slight reprieve as Boogerman has been inexplicably ported to the Wii's Virtual Console. Considering the target age of the Wii demograph, that probably isn't too bad an idea.

Boogerman was one of many platform heroes to hit the 16 bit era and ride the Sonic/Mario wave of success, but aside from his admittedly brilliant animation, he left little more than a bad taste in your mouth.
Considering his love of all things yellow and gooey, that's probably all he ever wanted for his public.

Tiki

(First Appearance: The New Zealand Story)
Platform games come in all shapes and sizes, but usually you can expect some definate inclusions: They'll be an ice level that drives you up the wall with frustration, Fire, water, or spikes will provide some sort of hazard and usually, but not always, the hero will be a small cutesy animal, or at least have the ability to change into one.

Taito checked every box ever written in the platforming game bible when they created The New Zealand Story. When it came to the hero, someone, somewhere down the line was convinced that a Kiwi wearing massive sports shoes was most assuredly the way forward. Enter Tiki.
After a large walrus kidnaps all his friends, Tiki takes to the mean streets of New Zealand in a quest to free them all, dropping all bizarre chibi opposition with his trusty longbow. Jumping on the heads is not the order of the day for this platform kid, probably the only platform cliche the game misses. Despite this, Tiki bravely pushes on through a series of strangely familiar worlds, rescuing a friend at the end of each zone and doing battle with a range of wacky bosses.

Tiki basically performs as to be expected of a late 80's arcade platform hero, he looks cute, dies adorably and fails to stick the landing of tricky jumps. Regardless, he holds a place in the hall of fame of cutsey platform characters, a hall of fame that features a vast array of dot-eyed, squeaky animals whose bravery far surpasses their eight-pixels-high height.
Not much can be said about Tiki and his ilk. Designed to be played in rapid fire arcade sessions, they are often given little backstory and only the basics of any kind of emotion. All we need to know as players is that they are willing to brave death and beyond in order to save their world, rescue their friends and vanquish evil. They are innocent fairy-tale protagonists created to be experienced in a couple of credits of fast-paced fun. With the arcade-era long dead, we most certainly will never again see this type of 2D valiance and determination.

Which is a shame, as I really want to know where the hell he learned longbow?

The Road Avenger

(First Appearance: Road Blaster/Avenger)
Laserdiscs games are obviously not the best form of interactive entertainment, with massively linear gameplay and a complete reliance on a trial and error system, but their full motion video at least allows for action packed and impressive stories to be told. This was a case proven to me by playing Road Blaster at a friends and witnessing the Cheshire cat-esque grin on his face as the camera tore through beaches, hotels and shopping malls all in the name of vengeance.

Indeed, for the man not holding the controller, Laserdisc games can be uber-entertaining.

Data East's 80s classic Road Blaster is one of my favourite Laserdisc games, despite being one of the most linear in terms of control. This is because it tells what regular readers should know is my absolute favourite story. Vengeance.
As the super-cool intro shows, a Mad-Max style gang of punks in high powered vehicles are cutting a bloody streak of destruction through the city with no regard for life or property of the innocent. Escaping their latest window shopping session, the motorheads run a car containing a young couple returning from their wedding off a twisted mountain road, the newlyweds careen into the cliffside and the car goes boom. The gang stops to survey their mayhem, then speeds away.

But this is just the beginning, the young man crawls from the flaming wreckage and sheds a tear for his gorgeous wife. His dreams for the future are now as dead as his instinct for self-preservation.

IT. IS. FUCKING. ON.

Days later, a garage door opens revealing a super sleek monstrosity of a sports car, as red as the blood about to be splattered all over its windscreen. The ignition is fired up and the engine roars into battle. Thus the young man and his red death wagon embark in a non stop 150mph burn through the city, annihilating all gang members and their various vehicles who are foolhardy enough to attempt to stop them. Our hero battle his way through the streets, sewers, factories, farms and scrapyards killing off every single gang member one by one. A war in the streets ensues as the red supercar and its revenge filled driver perform a variety of death defying stunts that would make Michael Knight crap his leather pants, including a mid air collision with several helicopters, a shooting star press over a lake and that jump that Roger Moore does in Golden Gun (minus the swanee whistle sound effect)

Despite the reckless abandon with which the supercar leaves broken bodies in its wake, our hero still ensures the safety of the innocent and manages somehow to drive through hotel lobbies and shopping centres without hitting a single civilian.
At the story's conclusion, Our hero totals his vehicle but finishes off the gang's female leader in a full speed head-on collision. The young man climbs from the burning wreckage and, wedding ring in hand, walks off into the city. The non-stop sounds of engine roars and crashing metal replaced by the silence of the night sky.

The Road Avenger is one of my favourite videogame heroes of all time. A man with nothing left to lose, blood boiling, his final recourse is to stop what happened to his wife ever happening again and if a high octane murder spree is his way of achieving that end, then so be it.
As the credits roll, the driver has lost his wife, his car and gained only a small sense of self satisfaction that comes with his personal vengeance, but to the people who can now walk the streets of the city without fear, he is a warrior, a saviour,
A hero.

Conrad Hart

(First Appearance: Flashback, 1992)
How forgetful are you? I've been finding lately that my memory, once my proudest and strongest tool, is slowly becoming worse at recalling the simplest things. I found myself staring at a phone number on a piece of paper this morning, I know I wrote it, but I don't remember when, why or whose it is. I don't want to call it either and enter into an awkward "Who is this?" conversation.

Conrad B. Hart is suffering a similar problem, except his hasn't forgotten why he wrote down a mysterious number. Conrad has forgotten who is his, not in a "Lion King" sort of self-belief way, he's actually forgotten his name, identity and purpose. All he has is a gun, some of the whitest trainers ever and a holocube containing a message he recorded for himself.

So begins Flashback, a classic adventure game from Delphine and one of my favourite games of all time. Conrad, following the holocube's message, makes his way through Planet Titan to New Washington where he encounters his friend Ian, who helps him to recover his memory. Conrad has learnt that shape-shifting aliens are among us and plan to slowly spread across Earth by infiltrating high society, using their powers to pose as government officials.

Upon restoring his memory, Conrad immediately sets about returning to Earth to expose the conspiracy and stop the gooey bastards from ruining our planet. Sadly, Conrad is unequipped with a hyperdrive spaceship so instead he does what any of us would do in this situation, he gets a job.
This is where Conrad becomes a true hero, for two levels, our boy Hart has to hang around subway stations, repeatedly visit the job centre, get shuffled from window to window and, once all the paperwork and red-tape is dealt with, perform a series of tasks for a meagre wage. Upon earning 1500 credits, Conrad gambles it all on entry into a Running Man style gameshow, Death Tower (or Cyber Tower in the horrible SNES port) winning the show will get him his ticket to Earth.
"Our first contestant is Conrad! Bobby, tell us all about him!"
"Conrad is a wanted spy whose killed a lotta people recently and is hoping to get to Earth to stop an alien conspiracy to destroy his home planet and entire race. He also likes motor sports and walking through the park on clear Autumn days.""

If it were me, I probably would have given up at the "Work permit" mission, there is a nice bar in New Washington and a regular transportation system, Earth could hang for all I care.
But Conrad Hart is a better man than I am and having reached Earth, fought against corrupt cops, escaped from re-capture and battled the aliens on their home turf, he saves the day and blasts into space where his lack of trajectory means he will drift endlessly unless he randomly bumps into a lift home.

Conrad Hart is one of videogames very best heroes. A death-defying, gunslinging, high jumping, super cool customer, Conrad battles against an army of corrupt officials and deadly alien forces, pausing only to help those in need. Our hero gets shot down, loses his memory, gets a series of mundane jobs, wins a game-show, gets captured, travels through the galaxy, blows up the aliens and saves the human race only to be rewarded by being stranded in deep space until he is picked up by the bad-guys and thrown in jail again at the start of wonky pseudo-sequel Fade To Black.

Boy, Saving the known universe can really be a thankless task.
Here's to Conrad B. Hart and hopes that one day he may return to our screens in his rotoscoping, forward rolling, pistol-whipping ways.

Blade Warrior

-This is not the same game as the similarly titled Amiga/ST release-
(First Appearance: Blade Warrior, 1989)
"Blade Warrior" is one of the most non-heroes ever. The unknown barbarian from a small, budget release game for the Spectrum, C64 and Amstrad is a generic "Conan" style muscle man who must traverse a series of dangerous screens for reasons known only to him, well, and you if you bothered read the instructions.

This plot is like the storyline of games I'd play with friends when I was about six years old. The "Death Demon" has shattered Blade Warrior's magic sword and our hero must collect several un-swordlike ingredients in order to restore it. This boils down to running from screen to screen AVOIDING all the bad guys. You're a Blade Warrior, it says so on the cover and the loading screens clearly show you BEING a "Blade Warrior" except upon loading, you discover that the hero has no weapon.
EXCEPT FOR THE SWORD HE IS CLEARLY CARRYING.

The hero of Blade Warrior is a man who has lost his blade, but carries another one, but you cannot use it. Hit the fire button all you like, the guy will only perform a meagre leap. "Jump Warrior" would be a far more appropriate title, or maybe just "Shit Warrior"
At a time when a hundred thousand games were being released a week with every one competing for our attention, putting us in the furry boots of a hero who had no weapon, or rather, had a weapon but didn't use it, was baffling to me as a child and that bafflement is tenfold today.

(No)Blade Warrior ran around in silence save for some ultra loud fuzzy speech when he crashed into a skeleton, goblin or other such creature, "ARRRGH!" and our man turned into a gravestone, followed by a gravelly "Rest In Peace" This was pretty much the only sound in the game.
But this project is about heroes, not fuzzy speech and I'm afraid Blade Warrior doesn't cut it, literally. BW's false advertising and promise of a sabre-fuelled massacre is never delivered upon and as a child I simply had no time for any half-naked madman who looked like a steroid and rage filled He-Man but chose to leap over his opponents than strike them down with bloody swathes of steel. Shockingly, our loincloth clad superhero dies if he TOUCHES A BARREL, not a Donkey Kong-esque rolling barrel, just a barrel, sitting there, minding it's own business..


Blade Warrior was a hero who couldn't even live up to his own name, let alone my violence-loving childhood expectations, even "Dizzy" was deadlier than this guy.

Zool

(First Appearance: Zool, 1992)
Mascots.
I recently indulged in a conversation with a friend about the lack of real integrated "mascots" for various consoles in recent years. Whilst characters like Sackboy occasionally rear their heads to no avail, it appears that we are long past the period of sticking a Poochie-esque sunglasses wearing anthro creature in every advert regarding a certain console or company.

And I for one, believe it's better that way.

During the Mario/Sonic wars of the early 90's, companies worked overtime to create these characters that would capture the hearts and wallets of the platform gaming public, hopefully selling a lot of the format or game in question and inspiring a host of terrible drunken tattoos. This brings us to Zool and the Commodore Amiga's attempt to capture some of the cutesy hero glory monopolised by the console giants. Zool, who is apparently "A ninja of the Nth dimension" journeys his way through a series of mysteriously familiar zones vanquishing evil, honing his ninja skills and trying desperately to sell us all a lot of these:



Because Lord knows that until you've rotted the youths teeth then you cannot truly achieve golden ninja warrior status. So the worlds most blatant and unashamed advertising crammed its way onto the screen, especially throughout the first level, the conveniently imagined "Sweet Zone"
Zool runs, jumps and spins his way through each level, pausing only to indulge in a series of mini-games and play a piano (No, really)

But let's call a spade a spade here, Zool was a thinly disguised Sonic clone for Amiga owners. This didn't stop reviewers creaming themselves over the game which, though it didn't nothing for yours truly, was pretty good all things considered. Zool unfortunately failed to become the iconic mascot for the Amiga, mainly because the game eventually ended up ported to almost every other format available, giving the tiny ninja no exclusivity whatsoever.

Our hero returned in Zool 2, where the makers decided he didn't have a family anymore (because having a family isn't "cool") and instead gave him a girlfriend, Zooz, who was pretty hot for a cartoon ant-like ninja. True story, I actually knew a girl who had to wear a Zooz costume and promote the sequel at trade shows. Despite hinting at evils return at the end of this adventure, Zool has yet to reappear on our screens, returning only for a long lost arcade that nobody played.

Zool was one of the few in a crowd of a thousand Sonic/Mario clones that actually stood out and found an audience for himself. In a world of wisecracking, rock n rolling, corporate hip paradigms, Zool was a character that actually sold games and is an endearing memory to many old-school Amiga owners. Zool's day is past and he would get annihilated in today's "super-hip hero" society, but we can sure that somewhere in the Nth dimension, there resides an aging ninja who can be proud of his exploits. I'm sure that comes as a saving grace to a man sitting on a million boxes of unsold Chupa-Chups.

Zak McKracken

(First Appearance: Zak McKracken And The Alien Mindbenders, 1988)
A regularly used theme in all forms of literature is the idea of an ordinary, down on his luck guy being catapulted into a mission of intrigue and danger, usually with far reaching consequences. This is a great concept as it often makes the protagonist instantly identifiable, as many of us all go about our daily business of work and play wishing that life would toss us an exciting curve ball now and again, usually with aliens and damsels thrown in (or maybe that's just me)

Francis Zachary McKracken, or "Zak" to his buddies is just such a hero. A young tabloid reporter, Zak is one of life's loveable losers whose existence contributes to nothing special until he happens upon a bizarre conspiracy whilst going about his two-bit investigative vocation. Zak believes that the Earth's population is being kept in a state of idiocy via mind-altering hypnotism from aliens, their indoctrination coming through the telephone system.
While many do not believe Zak's crazy claims, Zak finds friendship in Annie Larris, a young scientist and her student friends Melissa and Leslie. Together, this isolated collection of social misfits gather evidence that an alien race known as the Caponians are indeed reducing the general intellect of Earth's population. The team's research uncovers alien technology that will repel the Caponian attack, unfortunately, this device exists in many pieces scattered across the planet and in the far reaches of space.
So our young heroes venture to the corners of the globe in Lucasart's classic point and click style, with it's trademark blend of tricky puzzles and twisted humor.

Zak is a fine hero for all, he features all the qualities that many "Everyday guy" characters posses. Flawed and vulnerable, a loser in luck and love, but Zak is a well-meaning average Joe with his heart in the right place. Zak's adventure follows all the cliches of a regular nobody put in a position of saving the world, bringing with it the responsibility, integrity, danger and sex appeal his normal life lacks.

Zak reminds me of Ash, Bruce Campbell's hero from the Evil Dead movies, they are both young smart-ass kids whose very being contributes nothing to the world, but are forced to take on a responsibility on which hangs the fate of many lives. The idea of putting the hopes of mankind on an everyday loser is a tried and tested storyline, one which will be used again and again until the end of time itself.

Despite Zak's popularity among gamers, he is yet to appear in an official sequel. Dedicated followers have spent the last ten years putting out fan-made games to continue the adventures of Zak and his friends. I love the fact that characters like Zak have a committed fanbase. While it is highly unlikely, there is always that glimmer of hope that Zak may return, especially in this current climate of making episodic Sam and Max and Monkey Island games available for download.

I'm not going to speak for you, but I'm aware that I don't contribute that much to help the world and its problems. I'm just biding my time though, one day, I'll be the guy uncovering the conspiracy with the cute girls and when that happens, they'll make a point and click adventure about me.
Don't worry, it'll be DRM free. I'm all for the people, man.

Claire Redfield

(First Appearence: Resident Evil 2)
Sisters are doing it for themselves.
Hugely attractive, motorbike riding, gunslinging sisters that is. Not just any sister, but the sister of STARS member extraordinairre Chris Redfield.
As the Raccoon city incident unfolds, Claire Redfield rides into town looking for her brother who she has not heard from in quite sometime. Upon arriving, Claire enters a diner where she is attacked by infected citizens. Escaping through the back alley, Claire runs right into the gun barrel of pretty-boy cop Leon Kennedy, after a huge, out of control tanker puts paid to their escape plans. Claire and Leon are seperated and take refuge inside a seemingly abandoned Police station.

So begins Resident Evil 2, one of the finest games ever made and so begins Claire's story. Young Redfield quickly adapts to her situation and makes moves to keep not only herself out of danger but also provide maternal safety for Sherry Birkin, a young girl whose mother has become a gun waving psycho and whose father has a giant-ass eye sticking out his arm.
Upon escaping the station and huge underground complex within. Claire immediatly sets about finding her brother and uncovering Umbrella's scheme. Redfield travels to Umbrella's Paris laboratory where she is captured and imprisoned on Rockfort Island.

Fate intervenes again and a viral outbreak on the island allows our heorine to escape her cell and continue her search for Chris. Alongside Steve Burnside, the world's most singulary annoying videogame character of all time. Claire travels to Antartica where she finally catches up with her brother and they together they put an end to the current wave of Umbrella scheming and corruption.

Claire is a great heroine, she is vulnerable but brave. Claire begins her adventure fairly naive but by the timeline of Code: Veronica is already deeply involved in industrial espionage. Claire clearly has a deep bond with her brother and goes to very dangerous lengths in order to to find him.
Claire's girl next door good looks belie her iron will and mental toughness. Possibly the least glamourous of the Resi girls, Claire is potentially the most relatable and the easiest to connect with.

I don't know what the Redfield parents had in their genes, but they produced some damn cool offspring. Claire has not appeared in a fresh adventure in the main Resident Evil canon for some years, but I'm sure many would join my call that maybe it's time for the fairer Redfield to don her burgandy waistcoat once again.

-- Back Drop Driver -- Now 37% more bitter!

"This time, ALL the rules have changes"
See that quote? Yeah, it reads like a tagline from a street-dance movie, but it is pretty apt regarding the fate of Back Drop Driver leading into the new year.

When I wrote my list of 100 Games, I had very little else to do fo' sho' and it was a wonderful way of killing time, doing something creative AND shoving my ill-informed opinions in peoples faces.
Last year that changed very quickly and essentially boring "real-life" chores got in the way of my constant, never-fail, daily updates. This was depressing to me.
I found myself having to squeeze in entries whenever I could and was generally never happy with the results which thus lead to even more procrastination, all of which resulted in me barely updating the place at all.
In order to realistically set myself time and targets, it looks like I'm going to have to change the way I do things.

I hope my few loyal readers will continue to visit here, I may be just another online-opinionated-wannabe-journalist-guy, but where else can you go for my own exclusive brand of overwrought whining and bad grammar?

Nowhere motherfucker.

Welcome back to Back Drop Driver.

-Johnny Beatdown