Thayer Alconred

(First Appearance: Thayer's Quest)
Thayer Alconred is probably the politest hero who will grace this list. In fact, he is so softly spoken and gentle that it would be fair to assume he is a background character. But no, Thayer is the hero of Thayer's Quest, a laserdisc arcade and launch game for Rick Dyer's ill- fated Halcyon system, a games console with a price tag that would make even a Neo-Geo think it was extortionate.

Thayer is an apprentice magician who is summoned by the great wizard Druce to recover five ancient relics that make up the Amulet of Power. This amulet, funnily enough, contains a great power that could banish the evil sorcerer Sorsabel from his tyrannical reign over Shadoan, the kingdom that all who are fair and good live in.
I'm not quite sure why the wizard Druce doesn't get the job done himself, I think he said something about being too old, but I'm pretty sure he's just lazy.

So Thayer makes his way through the first three kingdoms of Shadoan, using wit, cunning and mad skills to avoid the many traps, dangers and creatures who would attempt to stop him. Well, he tries to at least, being a laserdisc game, turning down the wrong fork in the road or waiting for all of four seconds usually leads to insta-death syndrome, leaving Thayer to fates such as drowning in a lake, being beaten to death by women or falling into a tar pit.

Fear not, Thayer begins his quest with three spells. Now, I'm thinking a fireball spell, a healing spell and maybe some kind of teleport or super strength spell. Oh, actually Thayer has been armed with a spell of "Seeing" a spell of "Release" and a spell of "Understanding"
Gee.. Thanks.. It's like the Great Wizard Druce is actually Ned Flanders.

Despite his crappy spells, Thayer bravely treads through land, looking not unlike a man who is totally out of his depth, using his deadly skills of good manners and impeccable punctuality to defeat many of the obstacles that would do him wrong. Should this novel approach to fighting evil get Thayer past the Crystal Tigers, Cloud gods and the feared Black Magician, Thayer will arrive at a castle run by an arrogant King. Awesomely, this is where our ultra happy, positive thinking hero loses his shit and ups and murders the king with a sword to the chest cavity.
It's like that moment in Straw Dogs where Hoffman can't take it anymore and goes apeshit.

Thayer's story was supposed to continue over further games, but the Halcyon systems failure led to the cancellation of these games, though in 1998 "Shadoan" was released, a game which essentially finishes of the story, however Thayer was renamed "Lathan Kandor" and his Beatles-esque bowl haircut has been "modernised" into what is essentially a ginger mullet.

Thayer Alconred is a hybrid of many D+D style heroes that feature in 70's cartoons and poundshop DVDs. To his credit though, while his overly quaint and cheerful manner may not really be befitting of a videogame hero, he still manages to take care of business despite his damn crappy "Spell of Understanding"

Please enjoy this video of Thayer's Quests unforgiving insta-death moments, if it teaches you anything about the game, then it's "DON'T GO ANYWHERE OR TOUCH ANYTHING":