"What's The Password?"

-"What's the password?...what's the password?...Alrighty"-
(Vince McMahon, WWE Raw, 2008)
Can you imagine being so rich that you could afford to give away huge amounts of cash? Can you imagine watching your favourite TV show and by the end of it being a quarter of a million dollars richer? Now, to me that sounds like pretty exciting stuff, talk about sweaty anticipation, right? Now, can you imagine said event being one of the most mind-numbingly slow and tedious experiences of your life?
If you said "Yes" then you have not managed to erase "McMahon's Million Dollar Mania" from your mind and I share your pain.

Post-Wrestlemania, the WWE goes into a ratings dip, the excitement of the previous years programming reaches its conclusion and many fans take a time-out from watching wrestling, or simply get turned off by the new direction WWE maybe be taking its stars in the aftermath of its superbowl equivalent. Despite this happening pretty much every year, WWE often panic and throw a whole load of panic ideas at the wall in an effort to keep the fans tuned in.
But non of these zany ideas were more surreal than "McMahon's Million Dollar Mania" which was simultaneously obnoxiously nauseating and car crash addictive. Vince McMahon made an announcement that every week on WWE RAW he would give away one million dollars "of his own money" to randomly selected viewers, provided they register on WWE.com and quoted a password should he call them live on the air during the following weeks episode of RAW. McMahon would then show off his dick size by awarding the caller a random amount of money.
Yes, you read correctly, Vince McMahon was paying the audience to watch RAW.

So, week one of Million Dollar Mania began and WWE fans sat on their edge of their seat with excitement (well, providing they lived in the USA and had bothered to register)
What basically followed was a series of long, awkward and drawn out segments where Vince stood on the arena ramp and failed to call contestants. McMahon would call number after number, sometimes the call wouldn't connect, wouldn't be answered, would get cut off etc, occasionally when the moon and stars aligned and McMahon got through to the lucky player there would be awkward pauses and bad sound. Despite the game only having one rule, Vince would often forget to ask for the password and would have to correct himself afterwards. The only truly glorious moment was when McMahon got Rick Roll'd by an answerphone, the confusion on his face was incredible.

Somewhere amongst this abortion, a selection of lucky viewers made sums of money around the 25,000-250,000 dollar mark, apart from one woman who only got two dollars because Vince was feeling like a prick. These segments went on and on and ate heavily into the shows running time which could have been dedicated to something really insane like some pro-wrestling matches.
The weirdest part of this whole debacle is that I personally think McMahon is generally awesome in his on-camera role, he has a distinctive voice and a very natural arrogance that fans love to hate, but here he just seemed bored and confused, pretty much the way I felt watching it at home.

McMahon's Million Dollar Mania ran for three decades, or it may have been three weeks, I'm not sure but they sure felt about the same length. At the end of the final giveaway, some wacky explosions happened and the RAW set "fell" on Vince McMahon, this stunt-fest lead to a storyline where, actually, come to think of it, it didn't lead to anything.
All that mattered was Vince didn't have to spend forever calling people on his show to give away his money, something that made both of us very happy indeed.

Here is a video that captures the banality of this competition in just five minutes. If you can't get through this clip without getting bored, remember that is the competition in its EDITED form:

"..What I Think Of The WWF Women's Championship Belt"

-"And that's what I think of the WWF women's championship belt."-
(Madusa, WCW Nitro, 1995)
Over the course of this project, many incidents will appear that are a part of a time period in Pro-wrestling that is today known as "The Monday Night Wars"
During the late 90's, WWF and rival promotion WCW would go head to head every Monday night with their flagship TV show, fighting to wrench the viewers from the other channel. It was an insanely aggressive battle as both companies reached deep into its bag of dirty tricks to undermine and mudsling the other.

Madusa Miceli had been on the wrestling circuit since the mid-80s and built a name for herself in Japan as a top female competitor. By the early 90s Madusa had reached an international platform in WCW in her role as a badass bitch. Madusa was popular with the fans and her charisma and natural ability convinced the WWF to come calling, persuading her to join the McMahon family in 1993. The WWF re-instated its retired Women's Championship belt and handed it to Madusa, who was also re-named "Alundra Blayze"
Despite some great matches with Japanese legend Bull Nakano, there was very little for Madusa to do in the WWF, whose womens division was lacking in competitors and prestige (Today, the division has competitors that can't wrestle and all the prestige of a two dollar hooker)

So, a mere two years later, the business was going through some changes, Eric Bischoff, president of WCW, made an all out, balls to the wall effort to take WCW to the top of the business. Deciding that one of the best tools at his disposal was shock and the element of surprise, Bischoff formulated a scheme to undermine the WWF as the "lesser company" that no-one wanted to work for, and Madusa would prove to be the first example of many Bischoff would go on to use to this end.

One night, on a airing of WCW Monday Nitro, the announce team were doing their horrible schtick when Madusa appeared on the set, grabbing a mic and telling the team to cram it. Madusa faced the camera, denounced she was ever anyone else but "Madusa" and threw the WWF's women's championship belt (which she still had in her possession) into a waste paper bin. This was a ridiculously shocking and cutting edge event at the time. Despite the belt's less than stellar reputation, the idea of a champion from one company turning up to the other with the championship and basically saying on live TV "This belt doesn't mean crap to me" is a heavy blow for the company on the receiving end and a huge coup for the company exploiting it. The audience was unaware that Madusa had any intention of leaving the WWF, but Bischoff had convinced her to jump ship and bring the belt with her, so he could stage the belt trashing event as a symbol that even the WWF's very own champions couldn't stand working for Vince McMahon.

Madusa would continue to wrestle for WCW until the company was bought out in 2001 and she retired soon after, claiming that she was unhappy with the direction of women's wrestling in the States. Rightly so, as despite some very talented exceptions, the WWE have ensured that women's wrestling has a reputation for uninterested, fat breasted twigs having horrible "matches" in front of uncaring audiences.
Madusa trashing the WWF Women's Championship on WCW was one of the first shots in a war of words and ratings that would last many years and would involve events that would go down in Pro-wrestling infamy.

"Just When They Think They Got The Answers.."

-"Just when they think they got the answers, I change the questions."-
("Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Piper's Pit, 1984)
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper is a legendary name in professional wrestling. The Canadian-born Roderick Toombs made a career for himself playing a wild-eyed Scotsman with loud, arrogant interviews and a string of feuds with some of pro-wrestling's finest heroes, such as Hulk Hogan and Bret "Hitman" Hart.

Piper's interview style and charismatic, fearless work on the microphone earned him his own pseudo "Talk show" segment on WWF television. Known as "Piper's Pit" Roddy would sit in a nasty, three-walled set and interview various "good guys" usually mocking their answers and goading them on with his trademark fast-paced, witty comeback style. More often than not, this segment would be used to further feuds between wrestlers or start a feud between Piper and the star "lucky" enough to be invited on the Pit as a guest/victim of Piper's insults and barbs.

Piper's Pit was the scene of many legendary moments, Piper's berating and assaulting of journeyman Frank Williams (Which ended with Piper spitting the above quote to camera) Andre the Giant turning on his long-time friend Hulk Hogan, A verbal argument between Piper and Mr T. and, most infamously, Piper's violent, coconut assisted attack on "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka, an event that has gone down in pro-wrestling history.

Piper was at his best as the antagonist, and Piper's Pit allowed him to turn his volume to eleven. A truly despicable bad guy, Piper was able to use the interview segment given to him to raise the profile of wrestling feuds and storylines, either his own or by playing ringmaster to others.
Maybe it's a coincidence, but Piper, throughout his career, appeared to do some of his most despicable mic work when his opponent was of any ethnicity other than white. There's a world of Piper fans out there and I'm not trying to encourage their wrath, but fact is, even when Piper later became a face (good guy) announcer, very rarely would wrestlers of Mexican, Italian or other background be allowed to get by without some racial epithet being snuck into the commentary. Piper was good at everything he did on the mic, but his particular expertise seemed to be the field of racism. Piper once had the most surreal feud with African-American Bad News Brown, but that's a story for another day...

After Piper's first retirement ("Retirement" means nothing in wrestling) Various attempts were made to replace Piper's Pit with different interview segments featuring other stars and their gimmicks, but none of them featured the same level of energy and chaos that Piper brought to each and every one of his appearances.
Piper's Pit has made sporadic returns over the last ten years, with the now (much more rotund) Piper hosting interviews with the stars of today. Lightning rarely strikes twice though and many of these modern instances of the famous segment don't cut it.

Roddy Piper was one of the very best bad-guys in the history of the business. Piper's microphone style was such that he could not only raise and lower the public perception of himself, but also of anyone else that took the seat in his flimsy cardboard studio.

"For Those I Deeply Offended.. I Apologise."

-"So I choose to respect your privacy and your religious beliefs, and for those I deeply offended.. I apologise"-
(Raven, ECW Arena, 1996)
Extreme Championship Wrestling (ECW) was a small promotion running out of Philidelphia. ECW has a long and storied history, far too involved to discuss here, but it was basically a small scale, low budget wrestling promotion that managed to make a huge name for itself and compete somewhat with multi-million dollar rivals WWF and WCW. It built this reputation with a combination of truly incredible wrestling matches, showcasing some of the best workers in the world, mixed with wild brawls featuring untold levels of violence.

Raven was one of ECW's most iconic wrestlers, essentially a moody loner doing a grunge style gimmick, Raven was a trashy guy with no morals and would cut dark, grim interviews with a style reminiscent of a cult leader. Once in the ring, Raven would attack his opponents with an ugly, vicious, fast-paced brawling style. While not the most technical wrestler around, Raven made a legacy for himself by always performing at his best for the fans and soon became the poster boy bad-guy for ECW. Raven embodied the spirit that ECW presented to its audience.

Another such worker was The Sandman. Simply put, Sandman was a legit drunk guy who could barely wrestle but won the crowd over with his insatiable appetite for carnage, extreme violence and drinking, often popping beers and cigarettes mid-match. The Sandman is HORRIBLE to watch in the ring, but his dirty zubaz trousers, iconic entrance routine and penchant for drunken mayhem made him a solid fan favourite.

In 1996 a feud began between The Sandman and Raven, Raven started "dating" Sandman's ex-wife Lori and along with Lori came Tyler, Sandman's son, who was about eight at the time. Raven encouraged the boy to hate on his father for being a drunken thug and used his "cult-esque" mind games to poison Sandman's family against him.
During a taping at the ECW arena in 1996, after Sandman had taken a beatdown in the ring, Raven and his cohorts "crucified" him by tying him to a badly made wooden cross and forcing a crown of barb-wire into his head. Sandman hung awkwardly propped to this crucifix in front of the ring, whilst his eight year old son looked on, performing Raven's trademark pose. The usually raucous and loud ECW fans went deathly silent, a sign that for them, things may have gone a little to far.

Not long after Sandman was carried to the back, Promoter Paul Heyman sent Raven out to the ring again. Dressed in his street clothes, Raven took the microphone and delivered what is referred to as the "Sincerely Insincere" apology. Raven told the fans that the crucifixion was all his idea, the promoters had no hand in it and that he was sorry for what he had done. The look in his eyes and tone in his voice completely belying his words.
Kurt Angle, who had recently won gold wrestling in the Olympics was in the arena that night, brought in by Paul Heyman to potentially work with company. Angle was furious at the crucifixion and went off on Heyman. The general belief is that the apology order and denial by Heyman was a result of wanting to keep Angle interested in working with the promotion.

WWF would do a similar angle with The Undertaker a few years later and receive a billion complaints about it. It's funny, wrestling fans will sit, cheer on the violence, scream obscenities, call for weapons, sing sexist chants and encourage the bad guys to win, but every now and then, they will then decide that they're oh so offended by something they see.
The problem with pro-wrestling content is it's all or nothing. In my opinion, you can either be offended by it all or offended by none. It smacks of hypocrisy of the highest order to say "I'll cheer this women getting put through a table but how dare you do that crucifixion scene"

The only thing that offends me about pro-wrestling is idiotic booking and a lack of respect for the audience by the promotion. I learnt to ignore the cheap shock tactics a long, long time ago.

"..Does 'Dis Fella Weigh?"

-"How much does 'dis fella weigh?"-
(Art Donovan, WWF King Of The Ring 1994)
One of the single most important jobs in pro-wrestling is commentary. As a commentator, it is your job to narrate the action, directing the viewers eyes toward certain events, reminding them of how the match came about and encouraging sympathy or anger from the viewer toward a particular wrestler and his attitude.
The announcer is the storyteller and the star-maker and it is essential that he uses his voice and vocabulary range to provoke the desired response from the home audience.

It is a truly lost art, many of today's commentators do not have what it takes, I recently watched the interminable team of Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Matt Striker stumble their way through Wrestlemania XXVI showing shallow bias, weak emotion and a complete misunderstanding of psychology. Seriously, they were awful. Current pro-wrestling commentary causes the late, great commentator Gordon Solie to turn in his grave. The only man to reach Solie's level, Jim Ross, has been MIA for a while now. It looks as if one of the single most important aspects of pro-wrestling storytelling is long gone, at least from the West.

Vince McMahon has, from time to time, put the headsets on special guests, bringing in celebrities and the like to sit alongside his team and provide insights on the action. It is understandable that to these guests the action playing out in front of them is baffling and difficult to follow, so mostly they stay fairly quiet and follow the lead of the in-house commentary team.

But not Art Donovan, Oh no. Art Donovan will be forever remembered as the number one reason why a celebrity should rarely, if ever, be placed at the all important ringside table.
WWF's King of The Ring 1994 Pay-per-view emanated out of Baltimore, so Vince roped in local football hero Art Donovan to give the commentary some "Home town" appeal. Donovan, however, had no knowledge or interest in pro-wrestling and had clearly not been briefed on anything prior to the show regarding workers, storylines or, God forbid, what "pro-wrestling" was.

So, the live show began and, beside the team of veteran announcer Gorilla Monsoon and veteran nutcase Randy Savage, Donovan proceeds to consistantly and thoroughly hit the airwaves with a vast line of constant questions and surreal observations to the faux-fights that were happening before his puzzled expression..
"How much does 'dis fella weigh?" "Who's 'dis guy?" "Did dat really hurt 'im?" "Who's dat guy over dere? "What's she screaming about?" "Can he really kick 'im wid his feet?" "How much does 'dis fella weigh?" "HOW MUCH DOES 'DIS FELLA WEIGH?" "Who's der fella in der white over dere?" "I fink dat guy's dead!!" "Who's dat guy again?" "Is he gonna wrestle wiv dat stuff on?"

Donovan continued this way for the entire three hours of the show. Asking the same questions over and over and not even learning from the answers, he would ask a wrestler's name after repeatedly hearing it mentioned, then would ask it again two minutes later.
It had the exact same effect as when your mum comes in halfway through a film you're watching and constantly asks you random questions about the plot, except she's being paid for it and is doing it in front of an international home audience live on TV.

Art Donovan's commentary is the stuff of legend and whilst it was rage-inducing at the time, today it is hilariously funny and a plus point on what is essentially a fairly dull show. Play-by-play in any sport is incredibly difficult and takes years of practice and on the job experience to raise to a level where your abilities can make superstars out of so-so performers.
In a perfect world, the headset should never be donned by anyone who isn't capable of perfectly capturing the action and story for those at home, but in the wacky world of pro-wrestling, having a moron on the mic can sometimes be just one more guilty pleasure to facepalm over.

"Time To Man-Up"

(Catchphrase, The Briscoe Brothers, Ring Of Honor)
Pro-wrestling has transformed dramatically in the last ten years or so. A new breed of young wrestlers on the independent circuit have developed a new style, mixing the brutality and high risk of the East with the character and theatre of the West. Ring Of Honor (ROH) is a promotion that has showcased this style to the masses. A borderline suicidal mix of hard strikes and overly choreographed, incredibly dangerous maneuvers that showcase the lengths these young men and women will go to prove the worth of their sport and the passion they are willing to live, breath and die for providing entertainment to the fans and displaying their love of their craft.

The Briscoes are perfect examples of this new wave of pro-wrestlers, Jay and Mark are two Delaware born brothers in their mid-twenties who wow the audience with complicated moves and fast paced, hard hitting action that defies both physics and death itself.
Wrestling since the start of the last decade, The Briscoes built a reputation for themselves in various independent promotions, but have made their biggest mark on the business mainly through Ring Of Honor, where they have developed a personal link with the fans that goes beyond any shallow hero worship and into deep respect.

The Briscoes wrestling style cannot be really described due to its complexity. Essentially, it combines vicious martial art strikes and kicks with perfectly timed two and three man combination holds that, should they be mis-communicated, would result in dangerous and possibly fatal injury. This style has garnered the brothers huge popularity throughout the world, including Japan where their intricate double-team moves wow the Eastern crowds.

I should make it clear that I don't care one bit for that style of wrestling, I think it is overly dangerous, unnecessarily violent and leads to the shortening of men's careers and lives. I grew up watching pro-wrestlers entertain crowds of thousands with simple moves combined with body language and emotional psychology. Hulk Hogan, for example, would bring an arena to its feet by cupping his hand to his ear and performing a basic legdrop as opposed to landing on his head repeatedly for the approval of a few hundred fans on the independent circuit.

I am not jaded enough however, to be unaware that that was thirty years ago and that the business has changed since then. Whilst the ROH style of wrestling isn't for me (and that's purely fearing for the lives and spines of the men performing it) I can't deny that, like any good stunts, it is impossible not to appreciate the athleticism, technical ability and trust that these wrestlers have and put on the line for their devoted and die-hard fanbase.

The Briscoes are poster boys for a style of wrestling that I honestly wish hadn't been invented, but they are masters of their craft and of both the old and new aspects of the pseudo-sport.
I do not deny the Briscoes their talent, heart, drive, passion and masterful skills.
I just hope they can still walk ten years from now.

"Problem With The Rockers?"

-"Is there a problem with The Rockers?... I don't think so."-
(Shawn Michaels, The Barber Shop, 1992)
Wham! were a hugely successful pop act, George Michael and Andrew Ridgely had huge success throughout the 80s. Eventually, however, one member of the team outgrew the other and before you knew it, there was a split. George Michael went on to international superstardom and phenomenal success, Ridgely went his own way and slowly drifted into obscurity.

The crazy parallel here is that legendary tag-team "The Rockers" have exactly the same story. Seriously you could just use the above paragraph but change the names to Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty and it all still stands (Well, apart from the pop act bit)
The Rockers were a pioneering tag-team in the 80s, two pretty-boy good guys who wooed the ladies and dropped the opposition with innovative high flying maneuvers and risky, sometimes death defying stunts. They eventually made their way to the WWF where the quickly established themselves as fan favourites with their fruity outfits and sexy mullets.

Shawn Michaels, the younger of the two Rockers, was hungry for more, both on camera and off. In his book, he describes the time he made the decision to become THE man in pro-wrestling and after a short, ass-kissing meeting with Vince McMahon, he got his wish.
A storyline began where Michaels was growing tired of sharing the spotlight with Janetty and that his party and girls fuelled lifestyle was costing the team its integrity. As a last ditch effort to save the long travelled partnership, Jannetty called Michaels out on the WWF's abortionate interview segment "The Barber Shop" hosted by the dreadful Brutus Beefcake.

Jannetty and a super smug Michaels argued briefly before Jannetty gave Michaels an ultimatum: Walk away now and do your own thing, or shake his head and get back to business. The crowd cheered Michaels to go back to his likeable, trusting tag partner and, after pondering the situation, Michaels grabbed Jannetty by the hand then raised his arm as the crowd roared its approval.

It was time for George Michael to release "Careless Whisper"

Out of nowhere, Michaels blasted Jannetty in the face with his trademark superkick and the shocked crowd started raining boos down on him. Grabbing Jannetty by the hair, Michaels thrust him face-first through the window of the Barber Shop set, which was, at the time, an incredibly violent scene by the WWF's standards. Jannetty bladed and came back a bloody mess.

Michaels turned to the camera and, stating the above quote, tore a picture of The Rockers in half, walking off set to howling derision from the audience.
The rest is history, Shawn Michaels took his sexy boy, super arrogant, smug-bastard character to the bank and began to work on his legacy, becoming what many people believe to be the finest pro-wrestling performer of all time.
I would write more about his future endeavours, but when it comes to Shawn Michaels, this is the first appearance of many he is due to make in this list, having been controversially involved in almost every major incident in pro-wrestling, both on and off screen.

The Barber Shop was a damn terrible WWF segment, but it gave birth to one of the absolute best performers the business would ever see.

"Just Hurting All The Time"

(Terry Funk's Doctor, Beyond The Mat, 1999)
For the uninitiated, Beyond The Mat is an awesome documentary film by Barry Blaustein. Released at the height of pro-wrestling's boom in the very late 90's, the film presents the behind the scenes of the business in a respectful and intelligent manner. It is not just a great documentary about wrestling, it is a great piece of documentary film-making in general. I would encourage everyone to check it out, wrestling fan or not. Whilst some of the aspects of the business shown are outdated today, depressingly, all the negative elements of pro-wrestling it reveals are still relevant and probably always will be.

Terry Funk is a legendary Texan wrestler who has consistently performed for decades, selling out arenas in the U.S and Japan for generations of wrestling fans. Terry Funk's legacy transcends the business and his achievements are etched in the annals of time. This legacy however, comes at a painful price.

One section of Beyond The Mat follows Funk as he approaches one of his many "retirements" A very short scene shows Funk visiting his doctor who has some very sad words for him.
The doctor essentially tells Terry how he's knees are doing, his descriptions would be incredibly shocking for you or I to hear but Funk, a man who has been in the business since forever, takes the information on board and gets back to work.

-Doctor: "On your good knee, your left knee, you have moderate to severe degenerative arthritis. You don't have good joint space here, you have narrowing of the space..arthritic spicules in there and it's not going to function very well,. It ought to be able to get by, the rest of your life just hurting all the time.
On your bad knee, your right knee, you have NO joint space, you have severe degenerative arthritis, you have worn that knee out, it's been hurt too many times and you are gonna need a new knee.
You need a new knee NOW."

-Funk: "..If I don't have an operation..Can I go ahead and live comfortably.. get around comfortably"

-Doctor: "You shouldn't be able to get around comfortably now. This ought to give you pain chronically, it ought to be disabling to you.... There's not a lot we can do and chronic pain for the next thirty or forty years isn't a fun thing to think about."

To hear a man's anatomy described so destructively is misery-inducing. The idea that his "good knee" has barely any joint left is shocking. What truly makes this scene especially tragic is that anyone knowing Funk would be aware that his concerns are less about his condition, but about whether he can fulfill his future work commitments.

I don't need to write anything else, It's a scene that speaks for itself. A fifty year old man with the legs of a ninety five year old, preparing to step into the ring again despite the consequences. The best case scenario being constant pain in one knee forever and the other needing replacement.
When you're a pro-wrestler, I guess you could just call losing the ability to walk an "occupational hazard"

"Get The "F" Out"

(Slogan, World Wrestling Federation/Entertainment, 2001)
In 1963, a dispute between Vince McMahon Sr. and partner promoters resorted in McMahon opening his own promotion, The World Wide Wrestling Federation (WWWF) McMahon's company traded under this name for over fifteen years, before a cosmetic name change was made, dropping the "Wide" part to make the shorter World Wrestling Federation (WWF)
This name became synonymous with Western professional wrestling throughout the 80's and 90's.

The World Wildlife Fund For Nature (WWF) had used the same initials since it's inception in 1961, but generally the two companies had little to no issues with the fact that the other company shared the same name. In 1994, an agreement was reaced wherein The Wildlife Fund and the Wrestling Federation came to an agreement that McMahon would be allowed to use the WWF initials internationally but limited it's permissibility in certain areas, particularly merchandising.

However, in 2000 the charity believed that the McMahon had violated these terms and filed a lawsuit against the wrestling promotion. In 2001, an English court decided in favour of the Panda pals and, on May 5th of that year, the wrestling federation officially changed its twenty year old trading name to World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE). McMahon changed his companies branding literally overnight, one day they were WWF.com, twenty-four hours later, they were WWE.com.
Using the slogan "Get The "F" Out" WWE did its trademark "re-write history" thing as it blindly punched its audience in the face that the company was now the WWE and had never, ever been called the WWF, ever ever. They even released a T-shirt line with the slogan emblazoned on it.

Without boring you with all the dull law-speak, there are a bizarre mix of rules and loopholes associated with the name change. All merchandise bearing the WWF name had to be taken off shelf by a certain date, meaning a massive discount on all WWF branded merchandise the world over which was a bonanza for collectors. All DVD releases of WWE events before the name change had heavy visual and audio editing to remove any and all references to "WWF" This results in a very horrible viewing experience and has rapidly increased the value of "original" non-edited versions of these events. WrestleMania XVII (arguably the greatest WrestleMania) is rendered nearly unwatchable in its censored form, a mass of blurs and audio cuts. It resembles my vision after I eat cheese (no, really)

The only thing more blurry than WWE DVDs are the loopholes. A rule disallows the audio of anyone saying "WWF" BUT only one visual version of the WWF logo is banned, meaning the company can show this logo on their DVDs if they wish: (1984-1997)

but not this logo: (1997-2001)

As one final freak hypocrisy, the UK DVDs of older events are not censored. An international loophole allows publisher Silvervision to release all past events visually and audibly intact, only U.S distributed DVDs are censored. This has obviously led to a huge market of Stateside wrestling fans importing the UK DVDs in for their collection.

When all is said and done, the company now IS World Wrestling Entertainment and has been for many years now. Personally, I think it was a load of bullshit politics over nothing and although pro-wrestling is not really a business you want your charity to be confused with, I think the whole lawsuit was a hugely unnecessary on the animal-lovers part....

..Well, maybe not "hugely"

"Is That Fake?"

-"What's that? Is that fake? Huh? What the hell's wrong with you? That's a open hand slap, Huh? You think it's fake?"-
("Dr.D" David Schultz, 20/20 Report, 1984)
During the pro-wrestling boom of the 1980's, a million and one investigative reporters launched one-man missions to prove that the in-ring action was less than real, hopefully uncovering the "shocking" truth that pro-wrestling was indeed "fake" with choreographed moves, staged finishes and scripted outcomes.
Perish the thought.

John Stossel, right-on ABC reporter decided that he should join the leagues of men dedicated to telling you what you already know and being the first to do so.
So Stossel made his way to Madison Square Garden with his 20/20 investigative team armed with a microphone and the golden bow of truth. Backstage at the arena, Stossel confronted longtime journeyman "Dr. D" David Schultz and asked him some questions about the business, Schultz towed the company line and delivered some sneery lines about being a tough guy in a business where only the tough survive. Basically, Schultz cut a wrestling interview (as one would expect him to in the days where the business was "protected" from outsiders)

Stossel then ramps his smarmyness up to eleven, pithily mocking Dr. D's response, he then hits him with what he refers to as "The standard questions" Sounding smug as you like, Stossel implies that wrestling is fake, then a small nuclear explosion goes off on the left side of his head.
After being struck to the ground with a super extreme version of a clip round the ear, Stossel makes it back to his feet just in time to receive one for the road to the right side of his head, Stossel, now sans smugness, scurries off into the background and calls his lawyers.

After various apologies, investigations and lawsuits, Stossel walked away with nearly 500,000 dollars in damages and an constant buzzing in his ears. David Schultz walked away with his pink slip, but has continued to claim ever since that he was pre-warned by WWF officials that Stossel would call him on the business, and that he was ordered to slap the piss out of him if he did.
When all is said and done, it's simply an awesome and very funny piece of car crash TV. The Schultz/Stossel incident is an example of the lengths people used to go to in order to keep the secrets of the business under wraps in those pre-Internet times.
Today, the business is fully aware that most of its former "secrets" have become common knowledge and workers are far more likely to "break character" in public, but all of them put their bodies on the line for the people's entertainment and whilst what they do may not be completely legit, that doesn't mean that they don't deserve the media's respect for doing it.

Just ask John Stossel, speak loudly though.

"Stand Back!"

-"Stand Back!"-
(Vince McMahon, Slammy Awards, 1987)
Vince McMahon is a twisted evil genius.
Part shrewd businessman, part evil mastermind and part total carny. The owner and proprietor of the WWE has built a billion dollar monopoly with his unstoppable drive, ruthless aggression and arrogant pride, all fuelled by a red-hot temper and a constant desire to be the best, always.

McMahon's various tactics and ideas that have gotten him this far can often be questionable at best, whether its buying up everyone elses best stars and shutting them down during the territory era, or whether its his infamous mud-slinging tactics he uses on any and all people who don't see his way, Vince McMahon has a nasty streak in him and is a man who can bear a grudge against an individual for an insanely long time, borderline an obsession.

McMahon however, is also a tireless patriot and humanitarian, ensuring that his global company regularly performs many acts for charities and the armed forces. McMahon is also a complete workaholic and has famously been working for hundreds of hours a week, every week since he first bought the WWE off his father in 1980.
As soon as Vince had control of the company, he took huge steps to take pro-wrestling from the countries many sporting arenas and turn it into a huge, multimedia icon. Vince worked hard to promote wrestling alongside music and movie stars, adding far more pomp and circumstance to wrestler's costumes, characters and entrances. Vince filled his shows with more interviews and wacky skits in an attempt to sell wrestling as a more theatrical production than an athletic contest, which is the way it had been viewed by the public for many years.
This wasn't "Sport" This was "Sports-Entertainment"

Our entry today concerns "The Slammy Awards" Vince's ridiculous idea for a "Grammys" style ceremony to award pointless trophies to his workers for their performances in a selection of terrible wrestling themed music albums that the WWF released in the late 80's.
The ceremonies were long, arduous and interminable and were a perfect example of everything the classic fan of the time hated about Vince's new direction for the sport they loved.
Vince didn't care about the old-timers or their traditions, what's more, he had a message for them, delivered in his own imitable style.

Because if you're going to tell a huge group of powerful and shady promoters that you're here to shut them down and take over their business. You might as well do it in style. So, backed by a twisted, wrestler based version of Jim Henson's Muppets band, McMahon delivered a warning to his opposition. I accept no responsibility for any mental raping experienced while watching this clip.


Total "Drunk dad at a wedding" enjoyment.
Vince McMahon is a man of questionable ethics, die-hard work practices and unforgiving business methods, but damn, the kid can move.

"What I'd Like To Have..."

-"What I'd like to have right now, is for all you fat, out of shape, inner-city sweathogs, to keep the noise down, while I take my robe off and show you what a REAL sexy man, is supposed to look like... Hit the music."-
(Ravishing Rick Rude, 80's-90's)
Rick Rude was a hated man. A true heel, Rude made a career out of flaunting the fact that his perfectly chiseled physique was a far cry from the less than svelte anatomy of your average pro-wrestling fan.

Starting his career in the national territory system in 1983, the Minnesota born Richard Roode made his way from promotion to promotion, honing his craft and working on a character that drew guaranteed hate with little effort.
Rude arrived in the World Wrestling Federation in 1987, managed by Jimmy Hart at first but best remembered as a major player in manager Bobby Heenan's "Heenan Family" faction.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude would arrogantly stride to the ring and the call for his music to stop. Amidst deafening boos, Rude would slowly and deliberately recite the above phrase (or a variation of) before revealing his spectacular body to the audience. As a final insult, he would select an attractive woman from the audience and plant a sloppy kiss on her big-haired mush, known as "The Rude Awakening" Another Rude trademark was to have a huge variety of airbrushed tights, rarely wrestling in the same outfit twice.

Rick Rude was a master of the fine art of being a badguy, or "heel" as they are known in the business. Rude was capable of taking his act from town to town and achieving the same reaction from the audience due to his obnoxious arrogance and rule bending tactics. Rude was also aware that, in many cases, the job of the heel is to make the good guy, or "face", look incredible. Like a villain in any good action movie, the heel's role is to make the crowd hate him so much, that they will pay money to watch him get his face kicked in by the current flavour of the month hero.
This is a subtle art that all the best heels from any generation of pro-wrestlers are masters at, Rick Rude being one of them.

Rude plied his trade in the WWF for three years, feuding with Jake "The Snake" Roberts and The Ultimate Warrior, who Rude defeated to win the Intercontinental championship. The ravishing one then left the WWF to join up with rival company WCW, where he feuded with such legends as Ric Flair, Sting and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, whilst also having possibly the single most ass-kicking entrance theme ever written. Rude continued to appear in the late 90's in less physical managerial roles for both companies and the renegade upstart ECW promotion.

Rick Rude passed away from heart failure in 1999 at the age of forty, his contributions to the business will be solidly remembered and his trademark entrance routine and verbal abuse is the stuff of legend.

"Broken In Half"

-"AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!!"-
(Announcer Jim Ross, The Undertaker Vs Mankind: Hell In A Cell, 1998)
Mick Foley loved pro-wrestling. As a young child, he and his friends would get together and film matches, storylines and interviews where he would display an innate ability to risk life and limb for the sake of a good stunt, consequences be damned.

Foley had been around the business for quite some time when he appeared in the WWF as masked lunatic Mankind, he already had developed a reputation for going above and beyond the standard threshold of risk and pain in his matches and had been the victim of many brutal injuries including the loss of half an ear during a match in Germany with behemoth Van Vader.

Mankind's dark persona was custom-made to be used in a storyline feud with dedicated WWF wrestler an all round professional The Undertaker, who was regularly feuding with similarly dark or twisted characters. The Taker/Mankind feud built until it was decided they would meet in Hell in a Cell, an Undertaker trademark match where the ring was surrounded by a sixteen foot steel mesh cage. The story had built to the point that this violent conclusion was inevitable.

The match began and Mankind made his way to the cell, then in a puzzling twist, he climbed the outside of the cell wall until he was positioned on its roof, high above the fans and the ring. Undertaker made his entrance and joined Mankind on top the monstrous construction. The two wrestlers gingerly brawled on the cell roof while various clips twanged and panels bent, it was a truly uncomfortable sight. Suddenly, scant seconds into the match. Undertaker grabbed Mankind and hurled him from the roof down onto one of the announce tables, obliterating it. The crowd stood and roared whilst millions of fans jaws around the world simultaneously dropped. It was an incredible and highly dangerous stunt that very few expected, but knowing Foley was involved, we should of known better.

After some medical help, it appeared the match was over. Incredibly, Mankind made it to his feet and re-climbed the cell, upon reaching the top, Undertaker choke-slammed Foley through the roof and into the ring below, a move which Foley has gone on record as stating was far more damaging than the more visually spectacular first fall and an event he has little to no recollection of. Following him down, The Undertaker continued to systematically dismantle Mankind until finally ending the match via a Tombstone piledriver and a bag of thumbtacks.

In wrestling, you don't always have to actually "win" matches to be a success, for those fans who weren't already aware of Foley's death-defying bumps, the Hell In A Cell match introduced them to a man who appeared to live to entertain the fans through his vulnerability and bloody-mindedness, living the principle of entertainment at any cost.

WWE have regularly used the Hell In A Cell footage in many highlight reels and it is a staple mention in discussions about pro-wrestling's most shocking events, or "Holy Shit" moments, as they are often called.
Sadly, this match also saw the beginning of a misguided attempt of constant one-upmanship and to this day many young wrestlers have fixated on the idea that a quick route to success is to nearly kill yourself in the ring, even if in front of a small, uncaring audience.
One of these days, someone will receive something much more permanent than crowd approval.

Gaming Heroes

“The average is the borderline that keeps mere men in their place. Those who step over the line are heroes by the very act.. Go.”
- Henry Rollins

The concept of being able to do something, anything to help out any person in trouble or danger is one I'm hugely into.
A lot of people face various forms of oppression daily, sometimes through bullying or abuse at work, school or home, random violent attacks in the street, or simply when walking home and some stranger feels the need to spout off insults just to big themselves up.

Life is hard enough without having to constantly defend yourself from the rich, powerful, aggressive or just simply rude individuals that put my faith in your race at an all time low.
I do what I can to help others, it makes me feel better about myself, but I'm yet to take some kind of insanity fuelled vigilante stand...
..not yet, anyway.

So the following represents Gaming Heroes, a wide variety of videogame characters all essentially on the side of the good and true. Whilst each and every one of them may have his or her own honest or shady way of going about their business, some could even be considered anti-heroes, You can be safe in the knowledge that the completion of their tasks will essentially be in the name of justice.
Through them, we could be defending the innocent, punishing the guilty, gaining deserved revenge, rescuing the helpless and making the world a safer place, either for one individual or the entire known universe.

They are the imaginary characters who are free to do the right thing without the restrictions of fear and red-tape. They offer an important escape from a world where the an obsession on "rights" makes it a dangerous place to even defend yourself and others from the scumbags who would do us harm.

And while reading, never forget that heroes aren't fairytale, they exist in our world and are called into action across the globe each and every day. We are all the heroes of our own lives, but the real heroes will also a part of somebody else's.

Enjoy, and as always, feel free to comment.

--SPOILER WARNING--
Whilst I have tried to avoid discussing games from the last year or so, I cannot make ANY guarantees that any entries will be spoiler free. I will avoid spoilers only if I can without compromise.

"Hulkamania Is Here!"

-"Hulkamania Is Here!"-
(Announcer Gorilla Monsoon, Hulk Hogan vs The Iron Sheik, 1984)
Whether a wrestling fan or not, the whole world knows at least one wrestler and its usually Terry Bollea, known globally as superstar Hulk Hogan.

Hulk Hogan was one of the very first pro-wrestlers to receive worldwide recognition and acclaim. Though many wrestlers throughout the 80's were stars in their own right and were far better technical performers, Hogan was an international phenomenon, introduced to much of the world through his wacky "Thunderlips" role in Rocky III.

When Vince McMahon Jr bought the World Wrestling Federation from his father, he immediately sought to change the face of the business into a global entertainment franchise, dubbing his wrestlers "Superstars" and becoming fixated on the role that marketing and merchandise would play in expanding his business from a faux-sport to a crossover form of entertainment, part athleticism, action movie and rock show, all bright lights/big city.

McMahon saw Hulk Hogan, with his incredible frame and infectious charisma as the man to lead pro-wrestling into this new direction. Upon buying the company, Vince took the heavyweight title from long-time champ Bob Backlund and placed it on the villainous Iron Sheik. This led to a match between the self-belief proverb spouting red white and blue of The Hulkster versus the evil Iranian, twirly moustached villain (Those who do not know will soon get to learn pro-wrestling is as sensitive as a tea party between Hitler, the Ku Klux Klan and Mel Gibson)

During the match, Hogan broke the Sheik's feared Camel Clutch hold and started his soon to be regular routine match comeback. With a running leg drop of the ropes, Hogan pinned the Sheik to claim the WWF Heavyweight Championship.
Longtime announcer Gorilla Monsoon stated the above quotation and it was on. Hogan appeared repeatedly on WWF television espousing the virtues of "The training, the prayers and the vitamins" to his fanbase "The Hulkamaniacs" Hogan made regular appearances on MTV, mainstream television shows and in lifestyle magazines, he became the flag bearer for American pro-wrestling and a true global superstar, gaining a variety of merchandise and even THE WORLD'S MOST HORRIBLE CARTOON...

Hulk Hogan is a shameless self promoter and a man with questionable, but effective practices of ensuring he is, and will always be, one of the guys "on top" of the business.
Regardless, it cannot be denied that his legacy is solidly etched the annals of pro-wrestling history. Hogan had the look, the voice and the ability to make the fans come out in droves and, coincidentally, buy a helluva lot of T-shirts. Hogan was also one of the first of many WWF performers to work main event matches using mostly body language and psychology, whilst actually performing very little in the way of physical action. A lost art that would save many lives if it were still around today.

McMahon was off and running. No other promoter stood a chance.
"Brotha!"

Prologue - Wrestling Quotes

"For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who do not, no explanation will be good enough"
- Old saying

The above line is much used by people within the pro-wrestling industry, with good cause, as it is incredibly apt.
The sport of wrestling dates back thousands of years, but it's current incarnation of "Sports-Entertainment" is only a million light years away from the sport practiced by the Greeks in biblical times.
Mainstream pro-wrestling in the West falls under this "Sports-Entertainment" banner, a genre coined by World Wrestling Entertainment owner Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Essentially, it was the business, which had protected the truth for many, many years, coming clean about the fact that it was a choreographed spectacle with pre-determined results and a much heavier emphasis on the who's why's and wherefore's of matches than the actual athleticism of the "sport"

Pro-wrestling is an incredible money-making business and millions upon millions of dollars have been made and lost over the last thirty years. Companies have risen and fallen, men have reached superstar greatness and suffered unbelievable tragedy and this has played out on television screens the world over, the business constantly attempting to evolve, but usually falling foul of narrow-mindedness, bad practices or plain old greed.

I have been involved in the business on a super small scale as a backstage producer, student, wrestler and twenty five year fan. I have seen a history play out on TV ever since I was a child and have seen and read of the sacrifices and moral lows people will endure in order to make it in "the business" whether for fame and fortune in front of millions or just on an incredibly small, local independent level.

Pro-wrestlers are bizarre, passionate and complex individuals and much of the business is built on their talent and ego, as a result many things take place on and off camera that are far more dramatic then anything any promoter could have scripted for his workers. On the other side of the coin, sometimes moments are captured that propel a man to superstardom or capture the essence of the fine art of pro-wrestling in one photograph or spoken line.

Here is a list of Wrestling Quotes. These are single soundbites that tell many stories of the peaks and pitfalls that the wrestling business and the colourful characters within have been a part of for our entertainment. Moments that display the science and psychology of wrestling at it's absolute finest and the horrors of the business at its most depressingly tragic.

Please enjoy. Even if you are not a wrestling fan, some of these stories tell of the many dangers of trusting too much, believing your own hype and, most importantly, learning when to say "No"
As I've heard people exclaim many, many times:
"Only in pro-wrestling."

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If you are a faithful wrestling devotee, please don't be offended if I tell age-old stories or explain obvious terminology. I am writing this as much for people who have never watched a wrestling match in their lives as I am for those who have seen it all.

Many of these events can be viewed on YouTube or other video sites.

00. 100 Games - Epilogue

That's that.
100 videogames presented for your consideration, picked and arranged at random and written on the fly with no prior drafting.

I'm not the happiest person in the world, far from it, but I find much escapism and excitement in gaming and the worlds, characters and stories they introduce us to. I am an unashamed gamer and someone who would much rather play games than fight on Internet forums about them.

Videogames are a huge part of my life and have been since that very first game of Horace Goes Ski-ing. As long as I'm breathing, I will be playing games. Videogames have brought me happiness, tears, rage and elation, they have helped me to reflect and learn about myself and through gaming I have met many like-minded friends and associates.

Despite videogames current mainstream acceptance. Gamers are still frowned upon as being nihilistic loners with nothing better to do. It is likely that stigma will never go away, but any gamer worth his salt doesn't care.
Because we have PASSION for games, we CARE about the worlds and characters that hours upon hours of hard work goes into creating for our pleasure. We LOVE videogames because we LOVE to have fun, to be entertained and enthralled, whether in a one man challenge or friendly (and not so friendly) competition with friends or total strangers.

Videogames play on the very best of human emotion and Ill be fucking damned if I'm going to allow myself to feel any such guilt or embarrassment at the behest of a society that thinks it is entertainment to watch z-list celebrities going about their generic daily routines.

Videogames are an art form, they can produce vibrant images and sounds, incredible music and effects and beautifully written storylines and universes. Like all art, some of it is terrible, but for every hundred generic daubings, there's a Michaelangelo.
Games are changing now more than ever, they are becoming very corporate and buzz-word and many fine studios have sadly had to close their doors in the wake of identikit shooters and "designed in a week" shovelware.
The business has crashed before and it may do again, but like a phoenix it will rise from the ashes, the suits will have gone elsewhere to hunt for the almighty dollar and a new generation of studios will have the freedom to express the creativity, originality and interactivity you only get from our most beloved pastime.

The videogame is dead, long live the videogame.
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Thanks to everybody who tuned into this list, whether a follower from the beginning or a late joiner, it's irrelevant as I'm indebted to you all.
Thanks to those who added comments which are always great to read and to good buddy Swabbleflange, not only for his Syndicate entry but for much inspiration and good gaming times, you push me when apathy starts to kick in.

It has been an absolute pleasure to write a few passages about what these games are to your humble host. My only regrets were the many games that didn't make the cut that I would have loved to spin a yarn about.
You can read a professional review of any game anywhere, I wanted to to put a more personal spin on what each game means to me and, possibly, to you.
The next list starts in a few days, I hope I will see you all back here for it. My original plans went technologically awry and it appears that I'm gong to have to try something a bit bigger in scope. I hope this is merely the end of the beginning.

Until then, all the best and keep on pressing that "Start" button, because they can't keep implementing quicktime events forever...can they?

Johnny Beatdown.

"The only legitimate use of a computer is to play games" - Defender creator Eugene Jarvis

01. Maniac Mansion

(Various Home, Lucasfilm Games, 1987)
Point-and-click adventures are timeless. One of the very few genres that appear ageless and remain fairly unchanged from their original inception to this day are story based adventures games controlled via a small arrow and a series of verbs. Whilst it is very hard to go back to earlier versions of other genres as they can often seem dated or old-fashioned, point-and-clicks appear to be futureproof with Cruise For A Corpse, Sam And Max, Full Throttle, The Monkey Island series and many others all still as enjoyable today as they were on release.

Maniac Mansion set a precedent for this type of game. Released at the end of the 80's, Mansion saw the player take a choice of three super cool teenagers, each with their own awesome theme music, then trespass into a mysterious house in search for a friend of theirs who has vanished into the night. Before long, a bizarre, dangerous and witty story unfolds involving the twisted residents of the house and the mysterious meteor crash site nearby.

The player switches between the three characters of choice and must use each teen's specific skill in order to unlock doors, avoid traps and stay one step ahead of the clutches of the mysterious Edison family residing within the many rooms and corridors of this death trap of a house. By performing a series of tasks ranging from the logical to the downright insane, our heroes can hopefully find their damsel in distress and flee the house before events reach cataclysmic proportions.

Maniac Mansion was the debut of the SCUMM engine (Script Creation Utility for Maniac Mansion) which was an arrow and verb based interface which would go on to be used in a variety of fantastic adventure games, all following the same basic principles of problem solving and and witty, well scripted humour, practically each and every one of these games is immensely playable and mind-bendingly challenging.
Maniac Mansion was released on various formats, each having their own pro's and con's, but however you choose to play it, MM is a clever, funny and hard-working title, providing many hours of amusement and brain scratching. MM is another game I could boot up and play through right now, still finding it as enjoyable as I did when I first encountered it nearly two decades ago.

Maniac Mansion is forever. The game has cool characters, cute visuals, great sounds, brain teasing challenges and long term appeal, with multiple endings and various different paths to get there, depending on the characters you took into the foreboding Victorian estate.

Above all, it's simply a fun way to escape your troubles and while away the hours in an unreal world of fantasy and adventure..
That's avoidance? distraction? irresponsibility?
Nah, That's enjoyment, excitement and satisfaction..

..That's videogames.

02. Max Payne

(PC/PS2/XBOX/GBA, Remedy, 2001)
If you were Mr or Mrs Payne, don't even pretend you wouldn't name your son Max.
Vengeance is my all time favourite theme in films, games and comics, Justice is a close second, Vigilantism brings up the rear.
Anybody want to take a guess what I think of Max Payne?
Released in 2001, Max Payne rocked my world, probably the last game my age old PC could run at full spec. I bought the game from the shop I was working in at the time and spent all my time every evening for weeks playing through the game again and again and AGAIN AND AGAIN AND....

Anyway, for those not so inclined, Max Payne was a third person shooter by Remedy Interactive. Max is a homicide detective who one day returns home from work and wanders straight into a home invasion. The resultant tragedy leaves his beautiful wife Michelle and his baby daughter dead and leaves Max a broken, ice-cold man. Tranferring to the DEA, Max goes deep undercover in an attempt to bring down a underworld boss, but a mysterious leak causes Max to become trapped in a situation where he has lost his identity and is now a wanted felon. Max has no choice but to go totally rogue. Without his badge, Max chooses to bring down the underworld the only way he can, in slo-mo and spraying masses of hot lead in harm's way.

The player takes Max through a noir style story, the narrative played out through a gravelly voice-over and comic-book style cut-scenes, word bubbles and all. The big gimmick that sold the game was the introduction of Matrix style "Bullet Time" Max can slow the scene down whilst simultaeniously moving in real time, allowing for brilliantly cinematic, John Woo style gun battles and twin gun diving mayhem. This effect has been milked to death now and is as commonplace in gaming as having a "Jump" button, but at the time was an groundbreaking and very, very cool feature, setting the game apart from the plague of generic shooters on the market at the time.
Max makes his way through the story, racking up a huge bodycount of wacky and not so wacky gangsters in a tale of betrayl, revenge and Norse mythology. There is an army of untrustworthy and sick characters to gun through and even a femme fatale who is the closest thing Max may have to an ally. The voice acting is over the top and the scripting often needlessly over-wrought, but it still feels right for the game's clear comic-book influences. Satisfying sound effects, bleak music and dark lighting all help add to the classic "Noir" look and theme.

A very so-so sequel disappointed me a few years later, and a film released in 2008 was decidedly meh. A third game has been in development hell for a while now and repeated changes in production team, character design and storyline leaves me feeling that it is probably going to be really horrible, should it ever ACTUALLY get finished. Clearly, many other Payne fans feel the same way:
The original game is nearly ten years old now, that makes me feel REALLY ancient. Despite the fact that so much of Max Payne has been copied and over-produced by many lesser games, the game has a very special place in my heart and easily saunters its way into my top ten of all time. Max Payne is a game I will go back to again and again, even if it's graphics, themes and effects are now quite passe. As long as Max cries for retribution, I'll be there to guide him to it..

Because vengeance is timeless.

03. Fallout 3

(PS3/Xbox360/PC, Bethesda Studios, 2008)
In recent years, something has become commonplace in adventure gaming, the concept of creating a character of your physical design and then building a moral code of your choosing for them. Many recent RPGs feature this model, with Mass Effect, Oblivion, Fable II and many others all allowing much leeway in your choices to make a man or woman of your choosing, then sending them out into a fully inhabited world to act as noble or despicable as you see fit. Truly, we are in an age where we have some say in how a game plays out, even if, at the end of the day, we don't really have control over the story's events.

Fallout 3 is a great example of this. A sequel to a franchise that had lost its way, Fallout 3 returned the series to its hardcore post-apocalyptic RPG roots. Fallout 3 tells the story of an individual who escapes the "comfort" of their totalitarian bunkered vault to venture into post-war Washington D.C, now just a smouldering mess of rubble, despair and broken buildings. Once out of the statistic building vault section, The player is free to explore the world, following the game's plotline or performing the very many side quests that litter that bleak and terrifying landscape. A cast of hundreds inhabit the world, each with a story to tell and their own attitude towards the socio-political climate that they find themselves in.

Essentially, Fallout 3 is as good as YOU make it, you choices, actions and decisions will decide whether the game is a hundred hour journey of discovery or a twenty hour action movie. By giving the player carte blanche to search, help, loot or kill as they see fit, Fallout provides a stage for the player to become the wasteland hero or scourge they choose to be. People can be befriended or killed, robbed or saved, teamed with or turned against. A side quest can end in bloodshed, resolution or revelation. All of this builds and builds to a climax that sees the shape for civilisation's future forming.

Fallout's story, dialogue and missions are well written and do well to provide solid immersion. The game's faults (if any) are mostly technical. Using the almost archaic-by-today's-standards Oblivion engine, the game suffers from terrible glitching, vanishing skies, ghosting characters and awkward textures and animation. Whilst conversations can go in a wide variety of directions, the character models are very flat and unemotional, lacking the body language and facial features of say, Mass Effect's characters.

For me however, these issues can be easily suffered. Fallout 3 provides me with an exciting, deep and frightening universe, populated with interesting characters that I respect or despise in equal measure. A great selection of missions ranging from the political to the downright crazy await all who wish to explore the capital wasteland and the various expansion packs. Fallout 3 is a game that I can load up and literally spend three hours playing without achieving much more than discovering new places and making the world a better (or worse) place. There's nothing I enjoy more than scouring the lands for Slaving rings and putting those guys out of business at the barrel of a 12-gauge. I'm the Captial Wastelands answer to Frank Castle.

I've done pretty well to summarise Fallout 3 in this entry as I can truly discuss this game for hours (as my long suffering friends can attest to) I havnt even gone into all of the perks, weapons, armours or far reaching moral dilemmas the player will encounter. But hopefully, I've done enough in this short space to sell that Fallout 3, despite its technical shortcomings, is a game that is as addictive and as enjoyable as you choose to make it. Fallout 3 rewards exploration, dedication and deliberation, as opposed to just pulling the trigger on anything that moves. It is very apt that this game should have the fortune to appear so late into this project, as it is a great example of everything that is divine about videogames.
Fallout 3 is not a perfect game, it may not be the best game ever..
But it's dangerously close.

See you in the wastelands brother.

04. Sunset Riders

(Arcade/Various Home, Konami, 1991)
Howdy stranger.
Cowboys will always have a place in videogames. From FMV shooters to Grand Theft Auto style sandbox games, the wicky-wicky-wild wild west is an setting often re-visited as much action, danger and excitement abounds. Anyone who has watched one of those live shows where people get shot off rooftops and flip into perfectly positioned hay bales can attest to the excitement of watching hat wearing grizzled guys murdering each other for our children's entertainment.
Personally, I believe the ACTUAL wild west was less like The Lone Ranger and far more like Unforgiven.

Sunset Riders takes place in the most colourful West you've ever encountered, where bulls are red, horses are pink with green hair and bandits all have palette swapped clothing. Into this incredibly fruity rendition of deathsville stride four equally colourful bounty hunters, each running and gunning their way through the game's fast-paced levels, blasting off glowing neon lead at all and sundry, stopping only to drink beer, receive kisses from showgirls and rescue damsels in distress.

"You are listing my broken dreams."

After taking down a series of wanted criminals, enjoying some horse rides and suffering the dullest bonus rounds known to man, our intrepid gunslingers come up against the aristocratic Richard Rose in a battle to free the land from, well.. crime I guess.

Sunset Riders is a classic and well-known arcade and has been experienced by many, many people. Basic in style and design, it is still fun and incredibly chaotic to play with friends as an old fashioned dose of straight, no-brainer entertainment. Konami obviously realised they were onto something good, as they blatantly ripped off their own game for Mystic Warriors sometime later.
Sunset Riders isn't anything astounding to write home about, but it has fun, cartoony graphics and very cool music and sound. There's something about the games basic appeal and retro style that brings to mind a great era where arcades were being churned out ten a week and as long as the quality was at least reasonable, then it was good enough to warrant your loose change.

So lets "Saddle up" and "Round up the wagons" and erm.. "Westwood Ho" or something. By completely ignoring the fact that the West was a nasty, violent, disease-ridden, back-stabbing and bloodthirsty place. Sunset Riders puts the "Fun" into "Fundamental anachronism"

And I got through this entry without a single tired Brokeback Mountain joke.

05. Myth: History In The Making

(Various Home, System 3, 1989)
I loved history class, I was never a fan of school in general, but I always enjoyed learning about the past. Especially when our teacher got in trouble for showing us Full Metal Jacket when we were all about thirteen. We can all learn a lot from "The way things were" and whilst the mass media loves to claim how human beings have "never been worse" a mere glance at any book recalling events from any time period often shows that life has always been tough and for every villain, there is usually at least three more heroes.

Myth: History In The Making is an old-school game about a very different kind of history. A young man is chosen by the Gods and pulled through time and space in order to defeat Dameron, a demon who has risen to tear the universe asunder with the help of many mythological creatures.
An action-platformer with puzzle elements, Myth sees the player control the letterman jacket wearing jock as he fights his way through the various time zones, battling an army of Ray Harryhausen style minions using the weapons and magical items bestowed on him or found along his journey.

Many classic characters from Mythos are all present and correct, Achilles, Medusa, Skeletons, Harpies, Norse Vikings, Odin, The Hydra and many other creatures you remember from your favourite stop-motion movies. The young hero must vanquish these beasts using knowledge learnt from their respective legends (Attacking Achilles on the heel, using the Gorgon head against the Hydra etc) As a result it helps the player to be well versed in mythology, though hints are given in the game's instruction manual for the ignorant.

Myth was a very ambitious game and British developers System 3 did an excellent job of squeezing the very best out of 8-bit computers like the Spectrum and Commodore64 to great a colourful, fast moving and visually impressive adventure. It is a great testament to the team that they created such a well animated and attractive looking game on formats that many thought had already peaked in terms of their technological capabilities.
The various timezones are nicely realised and a very imaginative series of puzzles and boss battles await the player who is able to make his way through the constantly re-spawning enemies and avoid the many deadly traps, pits and gaping chasms.

As a kid I really loved the concepts in this game, Myth appeals to that classic childhood adventure idea of being "sucked into" a universe. Kind of like that Captain N: The Games Master show but without the hot princess or the raping of Simon Belmont's dignity.
Myth should be readily available to those versed in emulation, I would strongly suggest giving it a go and logging it into your gaming CV. Relatively unknown, Myth is an absolute classic that deserves to be experienced by all.
It is a reminder of how a format's technology never truly peaks and there is always "one more game" to be squeezed out.

06. Prince Of Persia

**CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS AND BITTERNESS**
(PS3/Xbox360/PC/Mac, Ubisoft, 2008)
Has a videogame ever broken your heart?

Prince Of Persia was the 2008 incarnation of the long running series of fine games originally designed by Jordan Mechnar. The 2008 title saw a re-launch of the series with a new Prince and a new approach to the series art, music and storyline. A handsome, down-on-his-luck rogue, the Prince stumbles upon a beautiful young Princess named Elika, who is attempting to seal away an evil power that is slowly destroying her land, turning all the lush scenery into a murky blackness, known as "The Corrupted"
Our reluctant hero decides to help her and together the acrobatic duo must make their way through the broken down kingdom, learning from each other about life whilst slowly restoring the land to its former finery using the powers of Elika's god "Ormazd" Eventually hoping to seal the evil "Ahriman" and his souless creatures away in a temple in the centre of Elika's kingdom.
The player controls the Prince as he and Elika make their way through the land, performing all sorts of high flying maneuvers and relying on speed, timing and teamwork to get through their quest. The game is short and overly easy, but the pleasure comes more from the flow of traversing the dizzying landscape and the enjoyment of the story rather than the challenge of the game itself.

PoP's new art style is wonderful, reminiscent of fine watercolour paintings and is a welcome change from the grimy, industrial look of the previous games (Which are good games in their own right) The Prince is a good hearted and likeable hero and Elika a beautiful and strong-willed girl with just the right amount of vulnerability to make her completely captivating. I found much enjoyment and satisfaction in seeing these two heroes bust themselves hard to right the wrongs and save the kingdom...

Until the end... Boy, I gotta cram a lot of words here.
At the conclusion of the game, Elika sacrifices herself to imprison Ahriman. The Prince, going against all he has learnt on his journey, then re-releases the evil to bring her back to life. The corruption takes over the whole land and Elika is distraught at the Prince's selfish actions. The game ends with Elika's kingdom crumbling to the ground whilst the heroes blindly walk off into the desert.
Now, a game doesn't have to have a happy ending, nor do I mind a story having tragic elements, BUT, what PoP does is a cardinal sin in gaming, It says to the player "EVERYTHING you have done since you picked up the controller wasn't worth a shit"
By allowing evil to triumph and Elika's kingdom to collapse, all prior events are null and void. No matter how well you play, no matter how the chemistry builds between our heroes and no matter how much you achieve. Evil triumphs and the kingdom is destroyed.
Fuck your effort kid, here's an "edgy" ending.
The character development is betrayed, the Prince's selfish act proving that the adventure taught him nothing, Elika and her father sacrificing their lives was for nothing, the player's time and effort was for nothing. Evil won.

The general rumor is that this was to be the first chapter in a new series, fair enough, but Ubisoft have now abandoned this series, choosing to return to its "Sand of Time" storyline to fit in with the upcoming Disney movies. As a final face-stomp to the fans, Ubisoft banged out a forty minute "Epilogue" level. Better than nothing, right? Wrong.
The "Epilogue" still doesn't finish the story, with Elika admitting defeat and flying off, leaving the Prince to battle an approaching demi-god on his lonesome.
Thanks for that Ubisoft, now I only think you're fucking cunts.

Prince of Persia is a beautiful game, it isn't perfect by any means, it is very short and repetitive, but like Mirror's Edge, it provides the player with an almost zen-like, parkour-esque experience. PoP has brilliant, well voiced protagonists, an absolutely gorgeous visual style and a determined "Against all odds" storyline that pushed me to complete the game and see our heroes receive the kingdom they deserved.
I will AGAIN re-iterate, so there is no confusion, my problem isnt that the game had an unhappy ending, it is that the ending meant the player shouldnt have bothered trying. PoP is a game that should you 100% complete it, the conclusion essentially takes you back to 0%
I can think of about ten better ways to finish the story, both happy and sad, all of them better than the one Ubisoft gave us. But hey, I'm just some internet hack, right?

Whether they intended to complete this story over a trilogy or whatever remains to be seen. The deal of cosying up to Uncle Walt is one I don't see Ubisoft driftng from anytime soon,
This could well be the end of the road for the enthralling art style and wonderful characters PoP's 2008 entry gave us, all cut short well before their time. All we are left with is betrayed protagonists, an unfinished story and players cheated out of their hard work. Now I know how Shenmue fans feel.

I've broken my own rules, I've written beyond the length I promised myself for each entry and I've been reduced to spitting venom at games that I love.
Passion for gaming, movies, music or anything is no different from any other type of love:
When it's good, there's nothing better.
When it's bad, it's heartbreaking.