09. Alien vs Predator

(Atari Jaguar, Rebellion, 1994)
I have purchased many computers and consoles in my years. I even paid small fortunes for a Panasonic 3DO, an Atari Jaguar and the Neo-Geo. I feel, because of the money I have spent and the trauma suffered as a result I have a given right to make the following exclamation:

The Jaguar was fucking awful.

It looked terrible, it felt terrible, the control pad was an abortion, too light, uncomfortable and lumbered with an appalling keypad. The cartridges were tacky and the games soldered into them sucked balls.
Yes, the 3DO was also bad, but at least on rare occasions when the moon and stars align correctly, I will boot that console up for retro laughs. There is nothing funny about the Atari Jaguar. It is the only console that gives me a stomach ache to use, like all the acids in my body are collaborating to kill me lest I play five minutes of Club Drive or Kasumi Ninja.
I wouldn't find it hard to find people who would agree with me on those feelings, but I'd probably find it harder to find people who think that Rebellion's Alien vs Predator game was terrible, unless I look in the mirror I guess..

You see, there's this cliche that the Jaguar was awful "but Alien vs Predator was AMAZING" Now, I may have over-exaggerated for the sake of terrible comedy, but I need to make it clear that AVP was most certainly NOT amazing. Rebellion made an incredibly brave effort to meld the world of AVP with the First-Person Shooter and it just wasn't the right time yet. I thought the game was terrible, with messy graphics, clunky combat, an obstrusive HUD and boring gameplay. The player's character walks endlessly down corridors before coming upon a lone enemy or two, you kill him then continue wandering for a bit longer. Repeat. What was also a sure fire bet to be a pant-wettingly scary game isn't, as the sound effects and blocky sprites doing nothing to encourage any feeling of fear.

People will argue that I'm being unfair to an old game and there is truth to that, but when I bought AVP home in a desperate attempt to enjoy something, ANYTHING on my Jaguar, I was just left bored and uninspired. I still think Doom is a smoother, more satisfying and far better designed game. I'm sure I won't convince many gamers that this game is overrated, but if you can find some enjoyment on the Jaguar, you're a better, or possibly more determined man than I am.

Rebellion's second attempt at the AVP franchise was on the PC in 2000, where they produced a brilliant, atmospheric and terrifying game which delivered upon all the ideas one would expect from a FPS based Alien vs Predator game. As of this writing, a THIRD Rebellion AVP game is released in only a matter of days. It will be interesting to see if they can pull it off again as they've raised their own standard pretty high.
It is never my intention to ragebait, only to be true to myself. So, if you disagree, don't cry at me for this entry. Have a think about what this game may have seemed like to people who paid a fortune to play it in 1994, not just to people who retro-actively experienced it for free on an emulator in 2010.

The Alien vs Predator FPS was released way too early, when the technology couldn't have possibly hoped to deliver the ambitious plans that Rebellion conceived.
I can taste the fanboy RAGE already. Let's move on, I'm nearly home.