"..Does 'Dis Fella Weigh?"

-"How much does 'dis fella weigh?"-
(Art Donovan, WWF King Of The Ring 1994)
One of the single most important jobs in pro-wrestling is commentary. As a commentator, it is your job to narrate the action, directing the viewers eyes toward certain events, reminding them of how the match came about and encouraging sympathy or anger from the viewer toward a particular wrestler and his attitude.
The announcer is the storyteller and the star-maker and it is essential that he uses his voice and vocabulary range to provoke the desired response from the home audience.

It is a truly lost art, many of today's commentators do not have what it takes, I recently watched the interminable team of Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Matt Striker stumble their way through Wrestlemania XXVI showing shallow bias, weak emotion and a complete misunderstanding of psychology. Seriously, they were awful. Current pro-wrestling commentary causes the late, great commentator Gordon Solie to turn in his grave. The only man to reach Solie's level, Jim Ross, has been MIA for a while now. It looks as if one of the single most important aspects of pro-wrestling storytelling is long gone, at least from the West.

Vince McMahon has, from time to time, put the headsets on special guests, bringing in celebrities and the like to sit alongside his team and provide insights on the action. It is understandable that to these guests the action playing out in front of them is baffling and difficult to follow, so mostly they stay fairly quiet and follow the lead of the in-house commentary team.

But not Art Donovan, Oh no. Art Donovan will be forever remembered as the number one reason why a celebrity should rarely, if ever, be placed at the all important ringside table.
WWF's King of The Ring 1994 Pay-per-view emanated out of Baltimore, so Vince roped in local football hero Art Donovan to give the commentary some "Home town" appeal. Donovan, however, had no knowledge or interest in pro-wrestling and had clearly not been briefed on anything prior to the show regarding workers, storylines or, God forbid, what "pro-wrestling" was.

So, the live show began and, beside the team of veteran announcer Gorilla Monsoon and veteran nutcase Randy Savage, Donovan proceeds to consistantly and thoroughly hit the airwaves with a vast line of constant questions and surreal observations to the faux-fights that were happening before his puzzled expression..
"How much does 'dis fella weigh?" "Who's 'dis guy?" "Did dat really hurt 'im?" "Who's dat guy over dere? "What's she screaming about?" "Can he really kick 'im wid his feet?" "How much does 'dis fella weigh?" "HOW MUCH DOES 'DIS FELLA WEIGH?" "Who's der fella in der white over dere?" "I fink dat guy's dead!!" "Who's dat guy again?" "Is he gonna wrestle wiv dat stuff on?"

Donovan continued this way for the entire three hours of the show. Asking the same questions over and over and not even learning from the answers, he would ask a wrestler's name after repeatedly hearing it mentioned, then would ask it again two minutes later.
It had the exact same effect as when your mum comes in halfway through a film you're watching and constantly asks you random questions about the plot, except she's being paid for it and is doing it in front of an international home audience live on TV.

Art Donovan's commentary is the stuff of legend and whilst it was rage-inducing at the time, today it is hilariously funny and a plus point on what is essentially a fairly dull show. Play-by-play in any sport is incredibly difficult and takes years of practice and on the job experience to raise to a level where your abilities can make superstars out of so-so performers.
In a perfect world, the headset should never be donned by anyone who isn't capable of perfectly capturing the action and story for those at home, but in the wacky world of pro-wrestling, having a moron on the mic can sometimes be just one more guilty pleasure to facepalm over.