Back Drop Driver

19. Melina Havelock

2011-01-12T13:00:00.010Z

"I'm half-Greek, and Greek women, like Elektra, always avenge their loved ones"
Appearance: For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Played By: Carole Bouquet

For Your Eyes Only is the twelfth film in the James Bond series and the fifth to star Roger Moore as 007. One of the least iconic of the movies, FYEO has the dubious responsibility of bridging the gap between the abortions that are Moonraker and Octopussy (despite the latters glowing review from Homer Simpson)
FYEO returns the Bond franchise to the world of espionage and, despite Bill Conti's "Rocky outtakes" score and some completely flat slapstick comedy, it is one of the better written stories in the series with more realistic characters than those expected from a Moore 007 film.

James Bond is called to Greece to investigate the murder of marine archaeologist Sir Timothy Havelock and his wife, gunned down during a project to recover a device responsible for the co-ordination of Polaris submarines, the ATAC. Bond tracks Havelocks assassin, Hector Gonzalez, to a palatial estate, but before he can question him, Gonzalez is killed as he dives into his swimming pool, struck by a single bolt fired from the crossbow of Sir Havelock's daughter, Melina.
Thus, 007 and Melina team up to work together on both his mission and her personal vendetta, avenging her parents murder (Despite Bonds assurance her that one pursuing revenge "should first dig two graves")

Melina Havelock, played by French actress Carole Bouquet, is a natural beauty with Mediterranean good looks, piercing eyes and very long and straight dark hair. Speaking in seductive, hushed tones, Melina is arguably the first Bond girl in a long time to break rank of the cliche, being tough, intelligent and truly independent, capable of dropping a man with her trusty crossbow or doing some wacky stunt driving in a Citroen 2CV.

Definitely the most emo of the Bond Girls, Melina spends almost the entire films duration looking pissed off (Well, I guess her parents HAVE just been murdered) this kinda knocks her back and forth between acting like a focused woman of vengeance and a sulky teenager who didn't get tickets for Fall Out Boy.
No, Miss Havelock is not a big one for smiling, or shaving for that matter, as the grey line constantly trailing her top lip will attest to.
I guess it's that "Mediterranean look" right?

Moustache or no moustache, In a series which has a tendency to present its females as weak and useless, Melina Havelock is a breath of fresh Grecian air, and still stands proud as one of the best written Bond girls. Melina is beautiful, lethal and honourable and her character is never required to resort to the the usual forced "Bikini/Evening gown" scenes in order to look sexy.
Whilst For Your Eyes Only is not a Bond film people often reference in conversation, Melina Havelock gives the viewers a glimpse of the hard-edged direction female Bond characters would take in much later years.

20. Sylvia Trench

2011-01-10T18:13:00.013Z

"I decided to accept your invitation"
Appearance: Dr. No (1962) From Russia With Love (1963)
Played By: Eunice Gayson

James Bond is first introduced to the moviegoing public in the film adaptation of Ian Fleming's Dr. No. As the first film to feature the soon to be legendary secret agent, Dr. No is responsible for laying the foundations of the James Bond "template" which would be fine-tuned until they final settle on the formula with Goldfinger.

After British agent Strangways is murdered in Jamaica, MI6 send out for one of their top agents: James Bond 007. An MI6 official arrives at Le Cercle casino in London where we find a beautiful woman playing Baccarat with a sophisticated gentleman in a stylish tuxedo.
After the man defeats the woman in a round, she asks the casino for more money, at this point the gentleman takes out his cigarette case and exclaims:
"I admire your courage, Miss..?"
"Trench" replies the girl "Sylvia Trench... I admire your luck, Mr..?"
"Bond." replies the gentleman, lighting his cigarette "James Bond."

With that short exchange a character who will provide consistently successful and entertaining movies for decades has been cemented in cinema history. Miss Trench leaves the table and moves to the exit, Bond follows her and questions her on any other games she has talent in, they agree to a round of golf to be played the following morning.

After receiving his assignment Bond returns home to find the delectable but apparently impatient Miss Trench has upped and broken into his apartment. Generally, I'd be expecting Connery to launch into his woman-whacking ways. Fortunately for Sylvia, she has bedecked herself in one of his shirts and an absolutely killer pair of gold heels, putting golf balls toward a cup in the centre of the room, her fantastic legs filling the frame in a scene that made many censors balk.
Seconds later, Sylvia and Bond and in each others arms. Despite her creepy but coy habit of keeping her right eyebrow almost permanently raised, Bond is all over the sexy socialite. The scene then fades into Bond travelling to Jamaica.

Sylvia Trench has a small role, but is hugely important in the bigger picture as she can be classed as the very first "Bond Girl" Trench is the archetype of the kind of beautiful woman who will melt into Bonds arms at the drop of a hat. Looking absolutely incredible whether donning an evening gown for a night at the casino or wearing a shirt and heels for a spot of breaking and entering, Miss Trench sets the standard for the hundreds of women to follow in her footsteps. Sylvia's delivery of her name also feeds Bond the infamous line which will become his iconic introduction.

In From Russia With Love, Bond's second adventure, we see Sylvia again, chilling with Bond by a countryside canal, having lost none of her charm. This makes her the only Bond girl to appear, playing the same character, in more than one film. The rumour is that Miss Trench was to be a recurring character, constantly seen hanging with 007 just before he gets called away to duty, but this idea was dropped.

Sylvia Trench may not have the biggest role in the film, she is often forgotten in the wake of the later scenes starring Ursula Andress, but the few minutes she is on screen pave the wave for many of the ladies to come. Miss Trench's contribution to the series is immeasurable.

Prologue - 20 Bond Girls

2011-01-10T11:04:00.009Z

"Am I going to have a problem with you, Mr. Bond?"
"No, don't worry, you're not my type."
"Smart?"
"Single"
-James Bond and Vesper Lynd (Casino Royale)

Amongst the many heroes of the silver screen, one name has consistently delivered high-action, huge thrills and crappy jokes and has done so for 22 films.
("Never Say Never Again" doesn't exist)

Ian Fleming's literary creation James Bond is a character recognised worldwide, and the secret agent has been portrayed in the EON movies by six actors, each bringing his own thing to the role of the suave but lethal spy with a licence to kill, whether it's Daniel Craig's hard-edge, Roger Moore's constantly dancing eyebrows or Sean Connery's "I-don't-want-to-be-here" pissed off face.
The staying power of the Bond franchise is thanks in no small part to its cut and paste design template. All the films contain flash cars I can't afford, exotic locations I haven't visited and girls who would take out restraining orders on me.

Our nymphomaniacal hero has lept in and out of bed with a bevy of the most beautiful women in the world, these "Bond Girls" being an integral part of the 007 trademark. Whether helping him save the world, trying to kill him or simply screaming weakly whilst hiding behind his Saville Row shoulders, these women are as much a part of what makes the Bond films "Bond films" as his piss-poor wisecracks.

Changing throughout the decades in style, looks, personality and role, the Bond girls have ranged from horribly sexist simpering idiots with painfully rubbish innuendo names to scientists, computer boffins, deadly assassins and in rare cases, complete equals to Bond himself. Bond girls are also used to capacity in the films lavish title sequences and in non-speaking roles as hotel clerks, MI6 agents, casino croupiers and so forth. Their elegance and poise matching the surroundings Bond finds himself in whilst on duty.
One thing they all have in common, they're all incredibly gorgeous. Sexism be damned.

For your eyes only (as you're the only person who visits my site) here is a selection of twenty women who have fought against or alongside Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang since the very first time he span around and kindly shot us in the face.

38. Roy Adams

2011-01-10T09:24:00.006Z

(First Appearance: Operation WOLF)
Those who remember the 80's well are getting old now. They will also remember that, spearheaded by Arnold Schwarzenegger's fantastic Commando, a whole slew of movies hit the screens and big box video market featuring lonesome guys tooling up and taking on armies of men. These behemoth battletanks would be armed to the teeth and would stand stock still, gunning down wave after wave of mercenaries running at firing at them from all directions.

Despite training, these armies would always miss their target and receive the hot steel rain delivered by the unstoppable before them. This scenario was so testosterone building and adrenaline pumping that it was custom designed for videogames.
In 1987, Taito released, no, UNLEASHED Operation WOLF into the arcades. So there was to be no confusion whatsoever what this game would consist of, the awesome intro features a typical "Tool up for war" scene as Green Beret Roy Adams prepares to pump lead into hundreds and hundreds of trained soldiers in a mission to rescue a group of hostages and escort them to safety over the six locations that comprise of the enemy camp.

Adams parachutes into battle and gets to work, systematically making his way through enemy territory, destroying communications, gaining intelligence and freeing the hapless prisoners from the concentration camp. The on-rails style leads me to believe that he is ACTUALLY STRAFING ON FOOT through each location, massacring every single man who dares pop their head up from behind a rock or window.
Adams is so steely that he can bring down armoured cars and helicopters with his Uzi 9mm, he is just so gung-ho unstoppable that I choose to believe he was given a platoon of men to work with him on the mission, but he turned them away because he thought it would be LOLs to go it alone.

Upon reaching the final level, Adams runs alongside the rescue plane gunning down stragglers of the long since defeated force that dared raise a gun barrel in his general direction. The plane takes off and our hero sparks up a cigarette, celebrating a job well done. We are left to imagine him going home to what I believe is some hideaway in Alaska where all he does is hunt animals and bang women until he is called up again to deal with some other terrorist threat.

Roy Adams would return alongside token black sidekick Hardy Jones for the far more insane Operation Thunderbolt. By this time Adams and mastered the art of running forwards as some missions scroll into the screen, he's a pretty adaptable guy.
Adams has not been seen in quite some time, but his legacy remains. A lone soldier, who takes on insurmountable odds single handed and gets the job done with nary a scratch on his person.

When I was Roy Adams, I was a bad-ass, never say die Green Beret, as opposed to what I actually was: a small child sat in front of a portable television waving round one of these:

39. Ethan Mars

2011-01-10T09:18:00.002Z

(First Appearance: Heavy Rain)
-DISCLAIMER: I won't implicitly reveal the killers identity, but this entry will contain other plot spoilers-
How far would go to save someone you love?
That awful Hollywood movie poster tagline is cliche, but it is an interesting question. Many games feature a hero who risks life and limb to save a significant other, but Heavy Rain, by self-styled auteur David Cage attempts to have characters ask that question of themselves, then display their answers through acts that go psychologically beyond beating up an army of palette swapped thugs.

Ethan Mars is a young architect whose life has fallen on seriously hard times since the death of his son Jason, killed in a road accident whilst Ethans attention was occupied elsewhere. As a result, Ethan is now a broken man, separated from his wife and living depressed in a stark house where he fails to connect with his second son Shaun, who has become completely distant to him.

Man-up time comes when Shaun is kidnapped, an apparent victim of "The Origami Killer" a child murderer who preys in the area every Autumn, drowning his victims in rainwater and leaving a small Origami animal in their lifeless hands.
Shortly after Shauns disappearance, Ethan receives a shoe box containing a gun, a mobile phone and a series of written trials, which he must complete in order to attain the address where Shaun is being held prisoner: A drain in which the water level is rising daily due to the torrential storm hanging over the city.

Each trial pushes Ethan further and further to the limits of his body and mind, ranging from he performing intricate dares such as driving into headlong traffic and crawling through a tunnel of broken glass, to straight up headfuck horrors as cutting off one of his own fingers and murdering a total stranger in cold blood. Against the clock, Ethan must perform these tasks whilst simultaneously evading the law, who are hot on his trail for performing these acts of public mayhem.

Heavy Rain as a game allows the player to decide how and if Ethan proceeds with these tasks, but whether the player succeeds, fails or simply refuses each trial, Ethan remains a man of broken mind but steel heart. Ethan loves his son and will do whatever it takes to find him, putting himself in situations which cause him no end of physical pain and suffering, not to mention questioning his own sanity as becomes increasingly convinced that he may actually be the Origami killer himself and is setting himself these trials as a redemptive punishment for allowing his first son to die.

Killer or not, Ethan Mars is a great hero. A man rising from the depths of despair and self-pity to try and save his son from a horrible fate. Ethan will put himself through a living hell in order to ensure the safety of young Shaun. Whether he makes it through with his son, his sanity, or even his life is dependent on the player and the choices they make.

Simply put, Mars would be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to save the life of another.
To be fair, that's probably all I really needed to write.

40. Thayer Alconred

2011-01-10T09:15:00.004Z

(First Appearance: Thayer's Quest)
Thayer Alconred is probably the politest hero who will grace this list. In fact, he is so softly spoken and gentle that it would be fair to assume he is a background character. But no, Thayer is the hero of Thayer's Quest, a laserdisc arcade and launch game for Rick Dyer's ill- fated Halcyon system, a games console with a price tag that would make even a Neo-Geo think it was pricey.

Thayer is an apprentice magician who is summoned by the great wizard Druce to recover five ancient relics that make up the Amulet of Power. This amulet, funnily enough contains a great power that could banish the evil sorcerer Sorsabel from his tyrannical reign over Shadoan, the kingdom that all who are fair and good live in.
I'm not quite sure why the wizard Druce doesn't get the job done himself, I think he said something about being too old, but I'm pretty sure he's just lazy.

So Thayer makes his way through the first three kingdoms of Shadoan, using wit, cunning and mad skills to avoid the many traps, dangers and creatures who would attempt to stop him. Well, he tries to at least, being a laserdisc game, turning down the wrong fork in the road or waiting for all of four seconds usually leads to insta-death syndrome, leaving Thayer to fates such as drowning in a lake, being beaten to death by women or falling into a tar pit.

Fear not, Thayer begins his quest with three spells. Now, I'm thinking a fireball spell, a healing spell and maybe some kind of teleport or super strength spell. Oh, actually Thayer has been armed with a spell of "Seeing" a spell of "Release" and a spell of "Understanding"
Gee.. Thanks.. It's like the Great Wizard Druce is actually Ned Flanders.

Despite his crappy spells, Thayer bravely treads through land, looking not unlike a man who is totally out of his depth, using his deadly skills of good manners and impeccable punctuality to defeat many of the obstacles that would do him wrong. Should this novel approach to fighting evil get Thayer past the Crystal Tigers, Cloud gods and the feared Black Magician, Thayer will arrive at a castle run by and arrogant King. Awesomely, this is where our ultra happy, positive thinking hero loses and literally murders the king with a sword.
It's like that moment in Straw Dogs where Hoffman can't take it anymore and goes apeshit.

Thayer's story was supposed to continue over further games, but the Halcyon systems failure led to the cancellation of these games, though in 1998 "Shadoan" was released, a game which essentially finishes of the story, however Thayer was renamed "Lathan Kandor" and his Beatles-esque bowl haircut has been "modernised" into what is essentially a ginger mullet.

Thayer Alconred is a hybrid of many D+D style heroes that feature in 70's cartoons and poundshop DVDs. To his credit though, while his overly quaint and cheerful manner may not really be befitting of a videogame hero, he still manages to take care of business despite his damn crappy "Spell of Understanding"

Please enjoy this video of Thayer's Quests unforgiving insta-death moments, if it teaches you anything about the game, then it's "DON'T GO ANYWHERE OR TOUCH ANYTHING":

41. Hero (Nosferatu)

2011-01-10T09:13:00.002Z

(First Apperance: Nosferatu)
Many, many brave men and women stand up and stare death in the face in the world of videogames, with steely reserve and and hearts of iron, they venture up against the odds to defend or to rescue, armed with their weapons of choice or simply whatever they have to hand.
As a result, justice is served and their names go down in history, Mike Hagger, Master Chief, Solid Snake, Commander Shepard and good old Mario. These are well known characters whose names are synonymous with the franchise they feature in.

There are others though, nameless characters from games lacking in reputation and fame. These unspoken legends braved just as much, maybe more so, to achieve their ultimate goal, then vanished into the annals of time, only to be spoken of in hushed tones by the most hardcore hero hunters of all.
This entry is a testament to the heroes of games that didn't quite make it, yet featured a solid protagonist who didn't even have the roar of the crowd on his side.

Also, this particular hero took on Dracula wearing a denim ensemble.

Nosferatu is an obscure SNES game released by Seta in 1994. A shameless hybrid of Prince of Persia and Castlevania, Nosferatu sees an un-named young man venture into the Dark Prince's castle to rescue his love, who vanished overnight, the latest victim of Nosferatu's lust (As the awesomely stylistic intro tells us) Our hero is no Belmont family member, trading in Simon's enchanted whip and armour for a sports suit and boxing skills.
Seriously, this guy is going to take on demons, werewolves, zombies and the evil vampire himself with only a left, left, right cross combo. I'm in awe already.

The brave young man runs through the dungeons, using his athletic ability to vault the gaps and chasms and traverse the miserable terrain, all while collecting gemstones and dropping any evil spirited creature that stands in his way, he also has a strict time limit to work against, as he must reach his woman before she succumbs to Nosferatu's charms and becomes one of the undead herself.
The challenge is immense (not helped by a slightly clunky control system) but the hero fights on, obviously gaining no help from authorities. He is simply a man who loves his girlfriend and will do everything he can to save her life, or die trying.

For this, Nosferatu's hero deserves a place in this list and at least some level of recognition in the good guy hall of fame.
Should he defeat his immensely powerful opponent, our hero will be reunited with the woman he braved everything for, but will he be too late?
Nosferatu is far from a classic game, but it has a classic hero. Just some guy, like you or me, who has lost his all to a fate worse than death, having no option but to enter hell to get her back and fight off some of the most nightmarish creatures in imagination. Should the player fail, they are greeted with this screen:
Call me emo, but in my book, that question isn't multiple choice.

42.Billy and Jimmy Lee

2011-01-10T09:12:00.001Z

(First Apperance: Double Dragon)
Do you have a brother? How well do you get on with him?
Sibling rivalry is as old as time itself and the videogame world sure likes to cement the idea that brothers generally aren't in the habit of sticking together. I don't really see my brother and we fought a lot when we were younger but we certainly weren't quite at the same levels as Solid/Liquid Snake brotherly love.

Fortunately, Billy and Jimmy Lee do get along. Good thing, as the gorgeous, mini skirt wearing Marian has just taken a punch in the babymaker as is being carted of to some crazy Aztecan complex by The Black Warriors. Despite turning up on the scene about two seconds after her kidnapping, the brothers must apparently fight their way through four stages of gang members in order to rescue her and bring peace to their garishly coloured world.

Billy and Jimmy Lee are the kind of heroes 80s movies and 90s arcades are crammed with, two guys operating outside the law, taking matters into their own hands and scrapping back to back against insurmountable odds, their palette swapped hair and clothing being the only ways to tell them apart. I'm sure I will go further into this in another post, but Double Dragon represents the kind of hero I would like to be, a guy who, if a loved one was in real danger, would be able to reach some crazy level of super resource and Jason Bourne my way through a gang of muggers, or just some drunk guy in a chip-shop.

Billy and Jimmy Lee, though not the first, paved the way for a slew of "Bro's Vs. everyone" co-op teams, that continues to this very day through games like Gears Of War. Much death and carnage making up for the John Woo-esque homosexual undertones of the "Tough guys together" stereotype (Watch "The Killer" you'll see)
Irony of ironies kicks in once the mission is complete, as upon rescuing the damsel in distress, the brothers who have battled together till the end instantly turn on each other in a fight for Marian's affection
Jeez guys, Bro's before Ho's, C'mon?

Billy and Jimmy would return in various sequels and would also feature in a HORRIBLE cartoon series and an awful movie, played by Mark Dacascos and Scott Wolf, with a sexy Alyssa Milano playing a Tank Girl style Marian and a decidedly un-sexy Robert Patrick playing...some guy, I forget his name.
Billy and Jimmy Lee are the personification of back-to-back, against the odds, street fighting, they have risen above their Godfrey Ho movie sounding names to become the most bouffant heroes in the videogame hall of fame.

..And it was all going so well until a girl got involved. 'Aint it the truth.

43. Snotty Ragsdale

2011-01-10T09:11:00.001Z

(First Appearance: Boogerman)
During the 90's platform boom, many one-shot characters appeared, each and every one of them had some form of gimmick. Earthworm Jim was a worm in a cybernetic suit, Zool was a lollipop loving ninja ant thing, Sparkster was a jet-pac utilizing, suit of armour wearing Possum knight.

Boogerman flicked snot.

I'm getting through this one at speed as all things phlegm really makes me gag. Boogerman was basically a platform game made to appeal purely on the fact that kids thinking farting is funny (If you just laughed at that line, I don't know what to tell you) Snotty Ragsdale, aka Boogerman, is a mild mannered millionaire who is sucked into *sigh" "Dimension X-Crement" after a machine that will stop the world's pollution goes haywire. Boogerman must escape this dimension, dodging dangers and vanquishing foes along the way via human secretions and bodily noises.

Yes, Boogerman is a platformer where the heroes weapons are snot, phlegm, farts and burps. Ragsdale can also fart himself to high places and rope swing between platforms using long strands of loogie.
That's really all there is to this hero, snot and fart gags. Kids may have found that pant-wettingly funny, but most kids aren't stupid enough to think that these gags warrant supporting Boogerman's antics over those of a better, or more interesting platform negotiating hero.

The sad part is that Boogerman was really well animated and in a time of nobody videogame icons thrown together to make a quick buck, Boogerman actually looked like he hard solid work put into his movement and design. All for nought though, as a unsuccessful release garnered our hacking hero little more than EGM's "Grossest character of 1994" award.
The ultimate death knell sounded when Boogerman cameoed in Clayfighter on the Nintendo 64. Once you appear in a Clayfighter game, you are fucking done.
There was a slight reprieve as Boogerman has been inexplicably ported to the Wii's Virtual Console. Considering the target age of the Wii demograph, that probably isn't too bad an idea.

Boogerman was one of many platform heroes to hit the 16 bit era and ride the Sonic/Mario wave of success, but aside from his admittedly brilliant animation, he left little more than a bad taste in your mouth.
Considering his love of all things yellow and gooey, that's probably all he ever wanted for his public.

44. Tiki

2011-01-10T09:10:00.001Z

(First Appearance: The New Zealand Story)
Platform games come in all shapes and sizes, but usually you can expect some definate inclusions: They'll be an ice level that drives you up the wall with frustration, Fire, water, or spikes will provide some sort of hazard and usually, but not always, the hero will be a small cutesy animal, or at least have the ability to change into one.

Taito checked every box ever written in the platforming game bible when they created The New Zealand Story. When it came to the hero, someone, somewhere down the line was convinced that a Kiwi wearing massive sports shoes was most assuredly the way forward. Enter Tiki.
After a large walrus kidnaps all his friends, Tiki takes to the mean streets of New Zealand in a quest to free them all, dropping all bizarre chibi opposition with his trusty longbow. Jumping on the heads is not the order of the day for this platform kid, probably the only platform cliche the game misses. Despite this, Tiki bravely pushes on through a series of strangely familiar worlds, rescuing a friend at the end of each zone and doing battle with a range of wacky bosses.

Tiki basically performs as to be expected of a late 80's arcade platform hero, he looks cute, dies adorably and fails to stick the landing of tricky jumps. Regardless, he holds a place in the hall of fame of cutsey platform characters, a hall of fame that features a vast array of dot-eyed, squeaky animals whose bravery far surpasses their eight-pixels-high height.
Not much can be said about Tiki and his ilk. Designed to be played in rapid fire arcade sessions, they are often given little backstory and only the basics of any kind of emotion. All we need to know as players is that they are willing to brave death and beyond in order to save their world, rescue their friends and vanquish evil. They are innocent fairy-tale protagonists created to be experienced in a couple of credits of fast-paced fun. With the arcade-era long dead, we most certainly will never again see this type of 2D valiance and determination.

Which is a shame, as I really want to know where the hell he learned longbow?

45. The Road Avenger

2011-01-10T09:09:00.001Z

(First Appearance: Road Blaster/Avenger)
Laserdiscs games are obviously not the best form of interactive entertainment, with massively linear gameplay and a complete reliance on a trial and error system, but their full motion video at least allows for action packed and impressive stories to be told. This was a case proven to me by playing Road Blaster at a friends and witnessing the Cheshire cat-esque grin on his face as the camera tore through beaches, hotels and shopping malls all in the name of vengeance.

Indeed, for the man not holding the controller, Laserdisc games can be uber-entertaining.

Data East's 80s classic Road Blaster is one of my favourite Laserdisc games, despite being one of the most linear in terms of control. This is because it tells what regular readers should know is my absolute favourite story. Vengeance.
As the super-cool intro shows, a Mad-Max style gang of punks in high powered vehicles are cutting a bloody streak of destruction through the city with no regard for life or property of the innocent. Escaping their latest window shopping session, the motorheads run a car containing a young couple returning from their wedding off a twisted mountain road, the newlyweds careen into the cliffside and the car goes boom. The gang stops to survey their mayhem, then speeds away.

But this is just the beginning, the young man crawls from the flaming wreckage and sheds a tear for his gorgeous wife. His dreams for the future are now as dead as his instinct for self-preservation.

IT. IS. FUCKING. ON.

Days later, a garage door opens revealing a super sleek monstrosity of a sports car, as red as the blood about to be splattered all over its windscreen. The ignition is fired up and the engine roars into battle. Thus the young man and his red death wagon embark in a non stop 150mph burn through the city, annihilating all gang members and their various vehicles who are foolhardy enough to attempt to stop them. Our hero battle his way through the streets, sewers, factories, farms and scrapyards killing off every single gang member one by one. A war in the streets ensues as the red supercar and its revenge filled driver perform a variety of death defying stunts that would make Michael Knight crap his leather pants, including a mid air collision with several helicopters, a shooting star press over a lake and that jump that Roger Moore does in Golden Gun (minus the swanee whistle sound effect)

Despite the reckless abandon with which the supercar leaves broken bodies in its wake, our hero still ensures the safety of the innocent and manages somehow to drive through hotel lobbies and shopping centres without hitting a single civilian.
At the story's conclusion, Our hero totals his vehicle but finishes off the gang's female leader in a full speed head-on collision. The young man climbs from the burning wreckage and, wedding ring in hand, walks off into the city. The non-stop sounds of engine roars and crashing metal replaced by the silence of the night sky.

The Road Avenger is one of my favourite videogame heroes of all time. A man with nothing left to lose, blood boiling, his final recourse is to stop what happened to his wife ever happening again and if a high octane murder spree is his way of achieving that end, then so be it.
As the credits roll, the driver has lost his wife, his car and gained only a small sense of self satisfaction that comes with his personal vengeance, but to the people who can now walk the streets of the city without fear, he is a warrior, a saviour,
A hero.

46. Conrad Hart

2011-01-10T09:07:00.003Z

(First Appearance: Flashback, 1992)
How forgetful are you? I've been finding lately that my memory, once my proudest and strongest tool, is slowly becoming worse at recalling the simplest things. I found myself staring at a phone number on a piece of paper this morning, I know I wrote it, but I don't remember when, why or whose it is. I don't want to call it either and enter into an awkward "Who is this?" conversation.

Conrad B. Hart is suffering a similar problem, except his hasn't forgotten why he wrote down a mysterious number. Conrad has forgotten who is his, not in a "Lion King" sort of self-belief way, he's actually forgotten his name, identity and purpose. All he has is a gun, some of the whitest trainers ever and a holocube containing a message he recorded for himself.

So begins Flashback, a classic adventure game from Delphine and one of my favourite games of all time. Conrad, following the holocube's message, makes his way through Planet Titan to New Washington where he encounters his friend Ian, who helps him to recover his memory. Conrad has learnt that shape-shifting aliens are among us and plan to slowly spread across Earth by infiltrating high society, using their powers to pose as government officials.

Upon restoring his memory, Conrad immediately sets about returning to Earth to expose the conspiracy and stop the gooey bastards from ruining our planet. Sadly, Conrad is unequipped with a hyperdrive spaceship so instead he does what any of us would do in this situation, he gets a job.
This is where Conrad becomes a true hero, for two levels, our boy Hart has to hang around subway stations, repeatedly visit the job centre, get shuffled from window to window and, once all the paperwork and red-tape is dealt with, perform a series of tasks for a meagre wage. Upon earning 1500 credits, Conrad gambles it all on entry into a Running Man style gameshow, Death Tower (or Cyber Tower in the horrible SNES port) winning the show will get him his ticket to Earth.
"Our first contestant is Conrad! Bobby, tell us all about him!"
"Conrad is a wanted spy whose killed a lotta people recently and is hoping to get to Earth to stop an alien conspiracy to destroy his home planet and entire race. He also likes motor sports and walking through the park on clear Autumn days.""

If it were me, I probably would have given up at the "Work permit" mission, there is a nice bar in New Washington and a regular transportation system, Earth could hang for all I care.
But Conrad Hart is a better man than I am and having reached Earth, fought against corrupt cops, escaped from re-capture and battled the aliens on their home turf, he saves the day and blasts into space where his lack of trajectory means he will drift endlessly unless he randomly bumps into a lift home.

Conrad Hart is one of videogames very best heroes. A death-defying, gunslinging, high jumping, super cool customer, Conrad battles against an army of corrupt officials and deadly alien forces, pausing only to help those in need. Our hero gets shot down, loses his memory, gets a series of mundane jobs, wins a game-show, gets captured, travels through the galaxy, blows up the aliens and saves the human race only to be rewarded by being stranded in deep space until he is picked up by the bad-guys and thrown in jail again at the start of wonky pseudo-sequel Fade To Black.

Boy, Saving the known universe can really be a thankless task.
Here's to Conrad B. Hart and hopes that one day he may return to our screens in his rotoscoping, forward rolling, pistol-whipping ways.

47. Blade Warrior

2011-01-10T08:59:00.005Z

-This is not the same game as the similarly titled Amiga/ST release-
(First Appearance: Blade Warrior, 1989)
"Blade Warrior" is one of the most non-heroes ever. The unknown barbarian from a small, budget release game for the Spectrum, C64 and Amstrad is a generic "Conan" style muscle man who must traverse a series of dangerous screens for reasons known only to him, well, and you if you bothered read the instructions.

This plot is like the storyline of games I'd play with friends when I was about six years old. The "Death Demon" has shattered Blade Warrior's magic sword and our hero must collect several un-swordlike ingredients in order to restore it. This boils down to running from screen to screen AVOIDING all the bad guys. You're a Blade Warrior, it says so on the cover and the loading screens clearly show you BEING a "Blade Warrior" except upon loading, you discover that the hero has no weapon.
EXCEPT FOR THE SWORD HE IS CLEARLY CARRYING.

The hero of Blade Warrior is a man who has lost his blade, but carries another one, but you cannot use it. Hit the fire button all you like, the guy will only perform a meagre leap. "Jump Warrior" would be a far more appropriate title, or maybe just "Shit Warrior"
At a time when a hundred thousand games were being released a week with every one competing for our attention, putting us in the furry boots of a hero who had no weapon, or rather, had a weapon but didn't use it, was baffling to me as a child and that bafflement is tenfold today.

(No)Blade Warrior ran around in silence save for some ultra loud fuzzy speech when he crashed into a skeleton, goblin or other such creature, "ARRRGH!" and our man turned into a gravestone, followed by a gravelly "Rest In Peace" This was pretty much the only sound in the game.
But this project is about heroes, not fuzzy speech and I'm afraid Blade Warrior doesn't cut it, literally. BW's false advertising and promise of a sabre-fuelled massacre is never delivered upon and as a child I simply had no time for any half-naked madman who looked like a steroid and rage filled He-Man but chose to leap over his opponents than strike them down with bloody swathes of steel. Shockingly, our loincloth clad superhero dies if he TOUCHES A BARREL, not a Donkey Kong-esque rolling barrel, just a barrel, sitting there, minding it's own business..

Blade Warrior was a hero who couldn't even live up to his own name, let alone my violence-loving childhood expectations, even "Dizzy" was deadlier than this guy.

48. Zool

2011-01-10T08:57:00.002Z

(First Appearance: Zool, 1992)
Mascots.
I recently indulged in a conversation with a friend about the lack of real integrated "mascots" for various consoles in recent years. Whilst characters like Sackboy occasionally rear their heads to no avail, it appears that we are long past the period of sticking a Poochie-esque sunglasses wearing anthro creature in every advert regarding a certain console or company.

And I for one, believe it's better that way.

During the Mario/Sonic wars of the early 90's, companies worked overtime to create these characters that would capture the hearts and wallets of the platform gaming public, hopefully selling a lot of the format or game in question and inspiring a host of terrible drunken tattoos. This brings us to Zool and the Commodore Amiga's attempt to capture some of the cutesy hero glory monopolised by the console giants. Zool, who is apparently "A ninja of the Nth dimension" journeys his way through a series of mysteriously familiar zones vanquishing evil, honing his ninja skills and trying desperately to sell us all a lot of these:

Because Lord knows that until you've rotted the youths teeth then you cannot truly achieve golden ninja warrior status. So the worlds most blatant and unashamed advertising crammed its way onto the screen, especially throughout the first level, the conveniently imagined "Sweet Zone"
Zool runs, jumps and spins his way through each level, pausing only to indulge in a series of mini-games and play a piano (No, really)

But let's call a spade a spade here, Zool was a thinly disguised Sonic clone for Amiga owners. This didn't stop reviewers creaming themselves over the game which, though it didn't nothing for yours truly, was pretty good all things considered. Zool unfortunately failed to become the iconic mascot for the Amiga, mainly because the game eventually ended up ported to almost every other format available, giving the tiny ninja no exclusivity whatsoever.

Our hero returned in Zool 2, where the makers decided he didn't have a family anymore (because having a family isn't "cool") and instead gave him a girlfriend, Zooz, who was pretty hot for a cartoon ant-like ninja. True story, I actually knew a girl who had to wear a Zooz costume and promote the sequel at trade shows. Despite hinting at evils return at the end of this adventure, Zool has yet to reappear on our screens, returning only for a long lost arcade that nobody played.

Zool was one of the few in a crowd of a thousand Sonic/Mario clones that actually stood out and found an audience for himself. In a world of wisecracking, rock n rolling, corporate hip paradigms, Zool was a character that actually sold games and is an endearing memory to many old-school Amiga owners. Zool's day is past and he would get annihilated in today's "super-hip hero" society, but we can sure that somewhere in the Nth dimension, there resides an aging ninja who can be proud of his exploits. I'm sure that comes as a saving grace to a man sitting on a million boxes of unsold Chupa-Chups.

49. Zak McKracken

2011-01-10T08:56:00.001Z

(First Appearance: Zak McKracken And The Alien Mindbenders, 1988)
A regularly used theme in all forms of literature is the idea of an ordinary, down on his luck guy being catapulted into a mission of intrigue and danger, usually with far reaching consequences. This is a great concept as it often makes the protagonist instantly identifiable, as many of us all go about our daily business of work and play wishing that life would toss us an exciting curve ball now and again, usually with aliens and damsels thrown in (or maybe that's just me)

Francis Zachary McKracken, or "Zak" to his buddies is just such a hero. A young tabloid reporter, Zak is one of life's loveable losers whose existence contributes to nothing special until he happens upon a bizarre conspiracy whilst going about his two-bit investigative vocation. Zak believes that the Earth's population is being kept in a state of idiocy via mind-altering hypnotism from aliens, their indoctrination coming through the telephone system.
While many do not believe Zak's crazy claims, Zak finds friendship in Annie Larris, a young scientist and her student friends Melissa and Leslie. Together, this isolated collection of social misfits gather evidence that an alien race known as the Caponians are indeed reducing the general intellect of Earth's population. The team's research uncovers alien technology that will repel the Caponian attack, unfortunately, this device exists in many pieces scattered across the planet and in the far reaches of space.
So our young heroes venture to the corners of the globe in Lucasart's classic point and click style, with it's trademark blend of tricky puzzles and twisted humor.

Zak is a fine hero for all, he features all the qualities that many "Everyday guy" characters posses. Flawed and vulnerable, a loser in luck and love, but Zak is a well-meaning average Joe with his heart in the right place. Zak's adventure follows all the cliches of a regular nobody put in a position of saving the world, bringing with it the responsibility, integrity, danger and sex appeal his normal life lacks.

Zak reminds me of Ash, Bruce Campbell's hero from the Evil Dead movies, they are both young smart-ass kids whose very being contributes nothing to the world, but are forced to take on a responsibility on which hangs the fate of many lives. The idea of putting the hopes of mankind on an everyday loser is a tried and tested storyline, one which will be used again and again until the end of time itself.

Despite Zak's popularity among gamers, he is yet to appear in an official sequel. Dedicated followers have spent the last ten years putting out fan-made games to continue the adventures of Zak and his friends. I love the fact that characters like Zak have a committed fanbase. While it is highly unlikely, there is always that glimmer of hope that Zak may return, especially in this current climate of making episodic Sam and Max and Monkey Island games available for download.

I'm not going to speak for you, but I'm aware that I don't contribute that much to help the world and its problems. I'm just biding my time though, one day, I'll be the guy uncovering the conspiracy with the cute girls and when that happens, they'll make a point and click adventure about me.
Don't worry, it'll be DRM free. I'm all for the people, man.

50. Claire Redfield

2011-01-10T08:54:00.001Z

(First Appearence: Resident Evil 2)
Sisters are doing it for themselves.
Hugely attractive, motorbike riding, gunslinging sisters that is. Not just any sister, but the sister of STARS member extraordinairre Chris Redfield.
As the Raccoon city incident unfolds, Claire Redfield rides into town looking for her brother who she has not heard from in quite sometime. Upon arriving, Claire enters a diner where she is attacked by infected citizens. Escaping through the back alley, Claire runs right into the gun barrel of pretty-boy cop Leon Kennedy, after a huge, out of control tanker puts paid to their escape plans. Claire and Leon are seperated and take refuge inside a seemingly abandoned Police station.

So begins Resident Evil 2, one of the finest games ever made and so begins Claire's story. Young Redfield quickly adapts to her situation and makes moves to keep not only herself out of danger but also provide maternal safety for Sherry Birkin, a young girl whose mother has become a gun waving psycho and whose father has a giant-ass eye sticking out his arm.
Upon escaping the station and huge underground complex within. Claire immediatly sets about finding her brother and uncovering Umbrella's scheme. Redfield travels to Umbrella's Paris laboratory where she is captured and imprisoned on Rockfort Island.

Fate intervenes again and a viral outbreak on the island allows our heorine to escape her cell and continue her search for Chris. Alongside Steve Burnside, the world's most singulary annoying videogame character of all time. Claire travels to Antartica where she finally catches up with her brother and they together they put an end to the current wave of Umbrella scheming and corruption.

Claire is a great heroine, she is vulnerable but brave. Claire begins her adventure fairly naive but by the timeline of Code: Veronica is already deeply involved in industrial espionage. Claire clearly has a deep bond with her brother and goes to very dangerous lengths in order to to find him.
Claire's girl next door good looks belie her iron will and mental toughness. Possibly the least glamourous of the Resi girls, Claire is potentially the most relatable and the easiest to connect with.

I don't know what the Redfield parents had in their genes, but they produced some damn cool offspring. Claire has not appeared in a fresh adventure in the main Resident Evil canon for some years, but I'm sure many would join my call that maybe it's time for the fairer Redfield to don her burgandy waistcoat once again.

-- Back Drop Driver -- Now 37% more bitter!

2011-01-10T07:47:00.014Z

"This time, ALL the rules have changes"
See that quote? Yeah, it reads like a tagline from a street-dance movie, but it is pretty apt regarding the fate of Back Drop Driver leading into the new year.

When I wrote my list of 100 Games, I had very little else to do fo' sho' and it was a wonderful way of killing time, doing something creative AND shoving my ill-informed opinions in peoples faces.
Last year that changed very quickly and essentially boring "real-life" chores got in the way of my constant, never-fail, daily updates. This was depressing to me.
I found myself having to squeeze in entries whenever I could and was generally never happy with the results which thus lead to even more procrastination, all of which resulted in me barely updating the place at all.
I do want to continue this project so, in order to realistically set myself time and targets, it looks like I'm going to have to change the way I do things.

I am now limiting my list entries to far fewer than 100, Probably in all likelihood between twenty and fifty for each. This increases the chances of me getting entries done more often and forces me to be more selective with my choices, which will encourage me more in my scrawlings.

I know dropping the figure is a huge bitch-out on my original concept, but I hope people understand that at least it means I'll start writing here again, maybe still not daily, but far more often. I'd rather be writing something than nothing, even if it's on a much smaller scale.
As a fresh start, I am re-arranging/editing the posts made for the two topics in limbo "Gaming Heroes" and "Wrestling quotes" that were started in 2010. Those topics will return, streamlined, sexy, renewed and still broken, like the slimline Xbox 360. Mmmm, that's good satire.

I hope my few loyal readers will continue to visit here, I may be just another online-opinionated-wannabe-journalist-guy, but where else can you go for my own exclusive brand of overwrought whining and bad grammar?

Nowhere motherfucker.

Welcome back to Back Drop Driver.

-Johnny Beatdown

37. "What's The Password?"

2010-05-16T09:11:00.007+01:00

-"What's the password?...what's the password?...Alrighty"-
(Vince McMahon, WWE Raw, 2008)
Can you imagine being so rich that you could afford to give away huge amounts of cash? Can you imagine watching your favourite TV show and by the end of it being a quarter of a million dollars richer? Now, to me that sounds like pretty exciting stuff, talk about sweaty anticipation, right? Now, can you imagine said event being one of the most mind-numbingly slow and tedious experiences of your life?
If you said "Yes" then you have not managed to erase "McMahon's Million Dollar Mania" from your mind and I share your pain.

Post-Wrestlemania, the WWE goes into a ratings dip, the excitement of the previous years programming reaches its conclusion and many fans take a time-out from watching wrestling, or simply get turned off by the new direction WWE maybe be taking its stars in the aftermath of its superbowl equivalent. Despite this happening pretty much every year, WWE often panic and throw a whole load of panic ideas at the wall in an effort to keep the fans tuned in.
But non of these zany ideas were more surreal than "McMahon's Million Dollar Mania" which was simultaneously obnoxiously nauseating and car crash addictive. Vince McMahon made an announcement that every week on WWE RAW he would give away one million dollars "of his own money" to randomly selected viewers, provided they register on WWE.com and quoted a password should he call them live on the air during the following weeks episode of RAW. McMahon would then show off his dick size by awarding the caller a random amount of money.
Yes, you read correctly, Vince McMahon was paying the audience to watch RAW.

So, week one of Million Dollar Mania began and WWE fans sat on their edge of their seat with excitement (well, providing they lived in the USA and had bothered to register)
What basically followed was a series of long, awkward and drawn out segments where Vince stood on the arena ramp and failed to call contestants. McMahon would call number after number, sometimes the call wouldn't connect, wouldn't be answered, would get cut off etc, occasionally when the moon and stars aligned and McMahon got through to the lucky player there would be awkward pauses and bad sound. Despite the game only having one rule, Vince would often forget to ask for the password and would have to correct himself afterwards. The only truly glorious moment was when McMahon got Rick Roll'd by an answerphone, the confusion on his face was incredible.

Somewhere amongst this abortion, a selection of lucky viewers made sums of money around the 25,000-250,000 dollar mark, apart from one woman who only got two dollars because Vince was feeling like a prick. These segments went on and on and ate heavily into the shows running time which could have been dedicated to something really insane like some pro-wrestling matches.
The weirdest part of this whole debacle is that I personally think McMahon is generally awesome in his on-camera role, he has a distinctive voice and a very natural arrogance that fans love to hate, but here he just seemed bored and confused, pretty much the way I felt watching it at home.

McMahon's Million Dollar Mania ran for three decades, or it may have been three weeks, I'm not sure but they sure felt about the same length. At the end of the final giveaway, some wacky explosions happened and the RAW set "fell" on Vince McMahon, this stunt-fest lead to a storyline where, actually, come to think of it, it didn't lead to anything.
All that mattered was Vince didn't have to spend forever calling people on his show to give away his money, something that made both of us very happy indeed.

Here is a video that captures the banality of this competition in just five minutes. If you can't get through this clip without getting bored, remember that is the competition in its EDITED form:

38. "..What I Think Of The WWF Women's Championship Belt"

2010-05-02T09:17:00.008+01:00

-"And that's what I think of the WWF women's championship belt."-
(Madusa, WCW Nitro, 1995)
Over the course of this project, many incidents will appear that are a part of a time period in Pro-wrestling that is today known as "The Monday Night Wars"
During the late 90's, WWF and rival promotion WCW would go head to head every Monday night with their flagship TV show, fighting to wrench the viewers from the other channel. It was an insanely aggressive battle as both companies reached deep into its bag of dirty tricks to undermine and mudsling the other.

Madusa Miceli had been on the wrestling circuit since the mid-80s and built a name for herself in Japan as a top female competitor. By the early 90s Madusa had reached an international platform in WCW in her role as a badass bitch. Madusa was popular with the fans and her charisma and natural ability convinced the WWF to come calling, persuading her to join the McMahon family in 1993. The WWF re-instated its retired Women's Championship belt and handed it to Madusa, who was also re-named "Alundra Blayze"
Despite some great matches with Japanese legend Bull Nakano, there was very little for Madusa to do in the WWF, whose womens division was lacking in competitors and prestige (Today, the division has competitors that can't wrestle and all the prestige of a two dollar hooker)

So, a mere two years later, the business was going through some changes, Eric Bischoff, president of WCW, made an all out, balls to the wall effort to take WCW to the top of the business. Deciding that one of the best tools at his disposal was shock and the element of surprise, Bischoff formulated a scheme to undermine the WWF as the "lesser company" that no-one wanted to work for, and Madusa would prove to be the first example of many Bischoff would go on to use to this end.

One night, on a airing of WCW Monday Nitro, the announce team were doing their horrible schtick when Madusa appeared on the set, grabbing a mic and telling the team to cram it. Madusa faced the camera, denounced she was ever anyone else but "Madusa" and threw the WWF's women's championship belt (which she still had in her possession) into a waste paper bin. This was a ridiculously shocking and cutting edge event at the time. Despite the belt's less than stellar reputation, the idea of a champion from one company turning up to the other with the championship and basically saying on live TV "This belt doesn't mean crap to me" is a heavy blow for the company on the receiving end and a huge coup for the company exploiting it. The audience was unaware that Madusa had any intention of leaving the WWF, but Bischoff had convinced her to jump ship and bring the belt with her, so he could stage the belt trashing event as a symbol that even the WWF's very own champions couldn't stand working for Vince McMahon.

Madusa would continue to wrestle for WCW until the company was bought out in 2001 and she retired soon after, claiming that she was unhappy with the direction of women's wrestling in the States. Rightly so, as despite some very talented exceptions, the WWE have ensured that women's wrestling has a reputation for uninterested, fat breasted twigs having horrible "matches" in front of uncaring audiences.
Madusa trashing the WWF Women's Championship on WCW was one of the first shots in a war of words and ratings that would last many years and would involve events that would go down in Pro-wrestling infamy.

39 "Just When They Think They Got The Answers.."

2010-04-23T08:23:00.005+01:00

-"Just when they think they got the answers, I change the questions."-
("Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Piper's Pit, 1984)
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper is a legendary name in professional wrestling. The Canadian-born Roderick Toombs made a career for himself playing a wild-eyed Scotsman with loud, arrogant interviews and a string of feuds with some of pro-wrestling's finest heroes, such as Hulk Hogan and Bret "Hitman" Hart.

Piper's interview style and charismatic, fearless work on the microphone earned him his own pseudo "Talk show" segment on WWF television. Known as "Piper's Pit" Roddy would sit in a nasty, three-walled set and interview various "good guys" usually mocking their answers and goading them on with his trademark fast-paced, witty comeback style. More often than not, this segment would be used to further feuds between wrestlers or start a feud between Piper and the star "lucky" enough to be invited on the Pit as a guest/victim of Piper's insults and barbs.

Piper's Pit was the scene of many legendary moments, Piper's berating and assaulting of journeyman Frank Williams (Which ended with Piper spitting the above quote to camera) Andre the Giant turning on his long-time friend Hulk Hogan, A verbal argument between Piper and Mr T. and, most infamously, Piper's violent, coconut assisted attack on "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka, an event that has gone down in pro-wrestling history.

Piper was at his best as the antagonist, and Piper's Pit allowed him to turn his volume to eleven. A truly despicable bad guy, Piper was able to use the interview segment given to him to raise the profile of wrestling feuds and storylines, either his own or by playing ringmaster to others.
Maybe it's a coincidence, but Piper, throughout his career, appeared to do some of his most despicable mic work when his opponent was of any ethnicity other than white. There's a world of Piper fans out there and I'm not trying to encourage their wrath, but fact is, even when Piper later became a face (good guy) announcer, very rarely would wrestlers of Mexican, Italian or other background be allowed to get by without some racial epithet being snuck into the commentary. Piper was good at everything he did on the mic, but his particular expertise seemed to be the field of racism. Piper once had the most surreal feud with African-American Bad News Brown, but that's a story for another day...

After Piper's first retirement ("Retirement" means nothing in wrestling) Various attempts were made to replace Piper's Pit with different interview segments featuring other stars and their gimmicks, but none of them featured the same level of energy and chaos that Piper brought to each and every one of his appearances.
Piper's Pit has made sporadic returns over the last ten years, with the now (much more rotund) Piper hosting interviews with the stars of today. Lightning rarely strikes twice though and many of these modern instances of the famous segment don't cut it.

Roddy Piper was one of the very best bad-guys in the history of the business. Piper's microphone style was such that he could not only raise and lower the public perception of himself, but also of anyone else that took the seat in his flimsy cardboard studio.

40. "For Those I Deeply Offended.. I Apologise."

2010-04-11T09:43:00.006+01:00

-"So I choose to respect your privacy and your religious beliefs, and for those I deeply offended.. I apologise"-
(Raven, ECW Arena, 1996)
Extreme Championship Wrestling (ECW) was a small promotion running out of Philidelphia. ECW has a long and storied history, far too involved to discuss here, but it was basically a small scale, low budget wrestling promotion that managed to make a huge name for itself and compete somewhat with multi-million dollar rivals WWF and WCW. It built this reputation with a combination of truly incredible wrestling matches, showcasing some of the best workers in the world, mixed with wild brawls featuring untold levels of violence.

Raven was one of ECW's most iconic wrestlers, essentially a moody loner doing a grunge style gimmick, Raven was a trashy guy with no morals and would cut dark, grim interviews with a style reminiscent of a cult leader. Once in the ring, Raven would attack his opponents with an ugly, vicious, fast-paced brawling style. While not the most technical wrestler around, Raven made a legacy for himself by always performing at his best for the fans and soon became the poster boy bad-guy for ECW. Raven embodied the spirit that ECW presented to its audience.

Another such worker was The Sandman. Simply put, Sandman was a legit drunk guy who could barely wrestle but won the crowd over with his insatiable appetite for carnage, extreme violence and drinking, often popping beers and cigarettes mid-match. The Sandman is HORRIBLE to watch in the ring, but his dirty zubaz trousers, iconic entrance routine and penchant for drunken mayhem made him a solid fan favourite.

In 1996 a feud began between The Sandman and Raven, Raven started "dating" Sandman's ex-wife Lori and along with Lori came Tyler, Sandman's son, who was about eight at the time. Raven encouraged the boy to hate on his father for being a drunken thug and used his "cult-esque" mind games to poison Sandman's family against him.
During a taping at the ECW arena in 1996, after Sandman had taken a beatdown in the ring, Raven and his cohorts "crucified" him by tying him to a badly made wooden cross and forcing a crown of barb-wire into his head. Sandman hung awkwardly propped to this crucifix in front of the ring, whilst his eight year old son looked on, performing Raven's trademark pose. The usually raucous and loud ECW fans went deathly silent, a sign that for them, things may have gone a little to far.

Not long after Sandman was carried to the back, Promoter Paul Heyman sent Raven out to the ring again. Dressed in his street clothes, Raven took the microphone and delivered what is referred to as the "Sincerely Insincere" apology. Raven told the fans that the crucifixion was all his idea, the promoters had no hand in it and that he was sorry for what he had done. The look in his eyes and tone in his voice completely belying his words.
Kurt Angle, who had recently won gold wrestling in the Olympics was in the arena that night, brought in by Paul Heyman to potentially work with company. Angle was furious at the crucifixion and went off on Heyman. The general belief is that the apology order and denial by Heyman was a result of wanting to keep Angle interested in working with the promotion.

WWF would do a similar angle with The Undertaker a few years later and receive a billion complaints about it. It's funny, wrestling fans will sit, cheer on the violence, scream obscenities, call for weapons, sing sexist chants and encourage the bad guys to win, but every now and then, they will then decide that they're oh so offended by something they see.
The problem with pro-wrestling content is it's all or nothing. In my opinion, you can either be offended by it all or offended by none. It smacks of hypocrisy of the highest order to say "I'll cheer this women getting put through a table but how dare you do that crucifixion scene"

The only thing that offends me about pro-wrestling is idiotic booking and a lack of respect for the audience by the promotion. I learnt to ignore the cheap shock tactics a long, long time ago.

41. "..Does 'Dis Fella Weigh?"

2010-03-30T08:28:00.007+01:00

-"How much does 'dis fella weigh?"-
(Art Donovan, WWF King Of The Ring 1994)
One of the single most important jobs in pro-wrestling is commentary. As a commentator, it is your job to narrate the action, directing the viewers eyes toward certain events, reminding them of how the match came about and encouraging sympathy or anger from the viewer toward a particular wrestler and his attitude.
The announcer is the storyteller and the star-maker and it is essential that he uses his voice and vocabulary range to provoke the desired response from the home audience.

It is a truly lost art, many of today's commentators do not have what it takes, I recently watched the interminable team of Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Matt Striker stumble their way through Wrestlemania XXVI showing shallow bias, weak emotion and a complete misunderstanding of psychology. Seriously, they were awful. Current pro-wrestling commentary causes the late, great commentator Gordon Solie to turn in his grave. The only man to reach Solie's level, Jim Ross, has been MIA for a while now. It looks as if one of the single most important aspects of pro-wrestling storytelling is long gone, at least from the West.

Vince McMahon has, from time to time, put the headsets on special guests, bringing in celebrities and the like to sit alongside his team and provide insights on the action. It is understandable that to these guests the action playing out in front of them is baffling and difficult to follow, so mostly they stay fairly quiet and follow the lead of the in-house commentary team.

But not Art Donovan, Oh no. Art Donovan will be forever remembered as the number one reason why a celebrity should rarely, if ever, be placed at the all important ringside table.
WWF's King of The Ring 1994 Pay-per-view emanated out of Baltimore, so Vince roped in local football hero Art Donovan to give the commentary some "Home town" appeal. Donovan, however, had no knowledge or interest in pro-wrestling and had clearly not been briefed on anything prior to the show regarding workers, storylines or, God forbid, what "pro-wrestling" was.

So, the live show began and, beside the team of veteran announcer Gorilla Monsoon and veteran nutcase Randy Savage, Donovan proceeds to consistantly and thoroughly hit the airwaves with a vast line of constant questions and surreal observations to the faux-fights that were happening before his puzzled expression..
"How much does 'dis fella weigh?" "Who's 'dis guy?" "Did dat really hurt 'im?" "Who's dat guy over dere? "What's she screaming about?" "Can he really kick 'im wid his feet?" "How much does 'dis fella weigh?" "HOW MUCH DOES 'DIS FELLA WEIGH?" "Who's der fella in der white over dere?" "I fink dat guy's dead!!" "Who's dat guy again?" "Is he gonna wrestle wiv dat stuff on?"

Donovan continued this way for the entire three hours of the show. Asking the same questions over and over and not even learning from the answers, he would ask a wrestler's name after repeatedly hearing it mentioned, then would ask it again two minutes later.
It had the exact same effect as when your mum comes in halfway through a film you're watching and constantly asks you random questions about the plot, except she's being paid for it and is doing it in front of an international home audience live on TV.

Art Donovan's commentary is the stuff of legend and whilst it was rage-inducing at the time, today it is hilariously funny and a plus point on what is essentially a fairly dull show. Play-by-play in any sport is incredibly difficult and takes years of practice and on the job experience to raise to a level where your abilities can make superstars out of so-so performers.
In a perfect world, the headset should never be donned by anyone who isn't capable of perfectly capturing the action and story for those at home, but in the wacky world of pro-wrestling, having a moron on the mic can sometimes be just one more guilty pleasure to facepalm over.

42. "Time To Man-Up"

2010-03-17T09:19:00.007Z

(Catchphrase, The Briscoe Brothers, Ring Of Honor)
Pro-wrestling has transformed dramatically in the last ten years or so. A new breed of young wrestlers on the independent circuit have developed a new style, mixing the brutality and high risk of the East with the character and theatre of the West. Ring Of Honor (ROH) is a promotion that has showcased this style to the masses. A borderline suicidal mix of hard strikes and overly choreographed, incredibly dangerous maneuvers that showcase the lengths these young men and women will go to prove the worth of their sport and the passion they are willing to live, breath and die for providing entertainment to the fans and displaying their love of their craft.

The Briscoes are perfect examples of this new wave of pro-wrestlers, Jay and Mark are two Delaware born brothers in their mid-twenties who wow the audience with complicated moves and fast paced, hard hitting action that defies both physics and death itself.
Wrestling since the start of the last decade, The Briscoes built a reputation for themselves in various independent promotions, but have made their biggest mark on the business mainly through Ring Of Honor, where they have developed a personal link with the fans that goes beyond any shallow hero worship and into deep respect.

The Briscoes wrestling style cannot be really described due to its complexity. Essentially, it combines vicious martial art strikes and kicks with perfectly timed two and three man combination holds that, should they be mis-communicated, would result in dangerous and possibly fatal injury. This style has garnered the brothers huge popularity throughout the world, including Japan where their intricate double-team moves wow the Eastern crowds.

I should make it clear that I don't care one bit for that style of wrestling, I think it is overly dangerous, unnecessarily violent and leads to the shortening of men's careers and lives. I grew up watching pro-wrestlers entertain crowds of thousands with simple moves combined with body language and emotional psychology. Hulk Hogan, for example, would bring an arena to its feet by cupping his hand to his ear and performing a basic legdrop as opposed to landing on his head repeatedly for the approval of a few hundred fans on the independent circuit.

I am not jaded enough however, to be unaware that that was thirty years ago and that the business has changed since then. Whilst the ROH style of wrestling isn't for me (and that's purely fearing for the lives and spines of the men performing it) I can't deny that, like any good stunts, it is impossible not to appreciate the athleticism, technical ability and trust that these wrestlers have and put on the line for their devoted and die-hard fanbase.

The Briscoes are poster boys for a style of wrestling that I honestly wish hadn't been invented, but they are masters of their craft and of both the old and new aspects of the pseudo-sport.
I do not deny the Briscoes their talent, heart, drive, passion and masterful skills.
I just hope they can still walk ten years from now.

43. "Problem With The Rockers?"

2010-03-17T08:21:00.006Z

-"Is there a problem with The Rockers?... I don't think so."-
(Shawn Michaels, The Barber Shop, 1992)
Wham! were a hugely successful pop act, George Michael and Andrew Ridgely had huge success throughout the 80s. Eventually, however, one member of the team outgrew the other and before you knew it, there was a split. George Michael went on to international superstardom and phenomenal success, Ridgely went his own way and slowly drifted into obscurity.

The crazy parallel here is that legendary tag-team "The Rockers" have exactly the same story. Seriously you could just use the above paragraph but change the names to Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty and it all still stands (Well, apart from the pop act bit)
The Rockers were a pioneering tag-team in the 80s, two pretty-boy good guys who wooed the ladies and dropped the opposition with innovative high flying maneuvers and risky, sometimes death defying stunts. They eventually made their way to the WWF where the quickly established themselves as fan favourites with their fruity outfits and sexy mullets.

Shawn Michaels, the younger of the two Rockers, was hungry for more, both on camera and off. In his book, he describes the time he made the decision to become THE man in pro-wrestling and after a short, ass-kissing meeting with Vince McMahon, he got his wish.
A storyline began where Michaels was growing tired of sharing the spotlight with Janetty and that his party and girls fuelled lifestyle was costing the team its integrity. As a last ditch effort to save the long travelled partnership, Jannetty called Michaels out on the WWF's abortionate interview segment "The Barber Shop" hosted by the dreadful Brutus Beefcake.

Jannetty and a super smug Michaels argued briefly before Jannetty gave Michaels an ultimatum: Walk away now and do your own thing, or shake his head and get back to business. The crowd cheered Michaels to go back to his likeable, trusting tag partner and, after pondering the situation, Michaels grabbed Jannetty by the hand then raised his arm as the crowd roared its approval.

It was time for George Michael to release "Careless Whisper"

Out of nowhere, Michaels blasted Jannetty in the face with his trademark superkick and the shocked crowd started raining boos down on him. Grabbing Jannetty by the hair, Michaels thrust him face-first through the window of the Barber Shop set, which was, at the time, an incredibly violent scene by the WWF's standards. Jannetty bladed and came back a bloody mess.

Michaels turned to the camera and, stating the above quote, tore a picture of The Rockers in half, walking off set to howling derision from the audience.
The rest is history, Shawn Michaels took his sexy boy, super arrogant, smug-bastard character to the bank and began to work on his legacy, becoming what many people believe to be the finest pro-wrestling performer of all time.
I would write more about his future endeavours, but when it comes to Shawn Michaels, this is the first appearance of many he is due to make in this list, having been controversially involved in almost every major incident in pro-wrestling, both on and off screen.

The Barber Shop was a damn terrible WWF segment, but it gave birth to one of the absolute best performers the business would ever see.

44. "Just Hurting All The Time"

2010-03-12T10:05:00.007Z

(Terry Funk's Doctor, Beyond The Mat, 1999)
For the uninitiated, Beyond The Mat is an awesome documentary film by Barry Blaustein. Released at the height of pro-wrestling's boom in the very late 90's, the film presents the behind the scenes of the business in a respectful and intelligent manner. It is not just a great documentary about wrestling, it is a great piece of documentary film-making in general. I would encourage everyone to check it out, wrestling fan or not. Whilst some of the aspects of the business shown are outdated today, depressingly, all the negative elements of pro-wrestling it reveals are still relevant and probably always will be.

Terry Funk is a legendary Texan wrestler who has consistently performed for decades, selling out arenas in the U.S and Japan for generations of wrestling fans. Terry Funk's legacy transcends the business and his achievements are etched in the annals of time. This legacy however, comes at a painful price.

One section of Beyond The Mat follows Funk as he approaches one of his many "retirements" A very short scene shows Funk visiting his doctor who has some very sad words for him.
The doctor essentially tells Terry how he's knees are doing, his descriptions would be incredibly shocking for you or I to hear but Funk, a man who has been in the business since forever, takes the information on board and gets back to work.

-Doctor: "On your good knee, your left knee, you have moderate to severe degenerative arthritis. You don't have good joint space here, you have narrowing of the space..arthritic spicules in there and it's not going to function very well,. It ought to be able to get by, the rest of your life just hurting all the time.
On your bad knee, your right knee, you have NO joint space, you have severe degenerative arthritis, you have worn that knee out, it's been hurt too many times and you are gonna need a new knee.
You need a new knee NOW."

-Funk: "..If I don't have an operation..Can I go ahead and live comfortably.. get around comfortably"

-Doctor: "You shouldn't be able to get around comfortably now. This ought to give you pain chronically, it ought to be disabling to you.... There's not a lot we can do and chronic pain for the next thirty or forty years isn't a fun thing to think about."

To hear a man's anatomy described so destructively is misery-inducing. The idea that his "good knee" has barely any joint left is shocking. What truly makes this scene especially tragic is that anyone knowing Funk would be aware that his concerns are less about his condition, but about whether he can fulfill his future work commitments.

I don't need to write anything else, It's a scene that speaks for itself. A fifty year old man with the legs of a ninety five year old, preparing to step into the ring again despite the consequences. The best case scenario being constant pain in one knee forever and the other needing replacement.
When you're a pro-wrestler, I guess you could just call losing the ability to walk an "occupational hazard"

45. "Get The "F" Out"

2010-03-12T09:06:00.013Z

(Slogan, World Wrestling Federation/Entertainment, 2001)
In 1963, a dispute between Vince McMahon Sr. and partner promoters resorted in McMahon opening his own promotion, The World Wide Wrestling Federation (WWWF) McMahon's company traded under this name for over fifteen years, before a cosmetic name change was made, dropping the "Wide" part to make the shorter World Wrestling Federation (WWF)
This name became synonymous with Western professional wrestling throughout the 80's and 90's.

The World Wildlife Fund For Nature (WWF) had used the same initials since it's inception in 1961, but generally the two companies had little to no issues with the fact that the other company shared the same name. In 1994, an agreement was reaced wherein The Wildlife Fund and the Wrestling Federation came to an agreement that McMahon would be allowed to use the WWF initials internationally but limited it's permissibility in certain areas, particularly merchandising.

However, in 2000 the charity believed that the McMahon had violated these terms and filed a lawsuit against the wrestling promotion. In 2001, an English court decided in favour of the Panda pals and, on May 5th of that year, the wrestling federation officially changed its twenty year old trading name to World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE). McMahon changed his companies branding literally overnight, one day they were WWF.com, twenty-four hours later, they were WWE.com.
Using the slogan "Get The "F" Out" WWE did its trademark "re-write history" thing as it blindly punched its audience in the face that the company was now the WWE and had never, ever been called the WWF, ever ever. They even released a T-shirt line with the slogan emblazoned on it.

Without boring you with all the dull law-speak, there are a bizarre mix of rules and loopholes associated with the name change. All merchandise bearing the WWF name had to be taken off shelf by a certain date, meaning a massive discount on all WWF branded merchandise the world over which was a bonanza for collectors. All DVD releases of WWE events before the name change had heavy visual and audio editing to remove any and all references to "WWF" This results in a very horrible viewing experience and has rapidly increased the value of "original" non-edited versions of these events. WrestleMania XVII (arguably the greatest WrestleMania) is rendered nearly unwatchable in its censored form, a mass of blurs and audio cuts. It resembles my vision after I eat cheese (no, really)

The only thing more blurry than WWE DVDs are the loopholes. A rule disallows the audio of anyone saying "WWF" BUT only one visual version of the WWF logo is banned, meaning the company can show this logo on their DVDs if they wish: (1984-1997)

but not this logo: (1997-2001)

As one final freak hypocrisy, the UK DVDs of older events are not censored. An international loophole allows publisher Silvervision to release all past events visually and audibly intact, only U.S distributed DVDs are censored. This has obviously led to a huge market of Stateside wrestling fans importing the UK DVDs in for their collection.

When all is said and done, the company now IS World Wrestling Entertainment and has been for many years now. Personally, I think it was a load of bullshit politics over nothing and although pro-wrestling is not really a business you want your charity to be confused with, I think the whole lawsuit was a hugely unnecessary on the animal-lovers part....

..Well, maybe not "hugely"

46. "Is That Fake?"

2010-03-08T13:03:00.014Z

-"What's that? Is that fake? Huh? What the hell's wrong with you? That's a open hand slap, Huh? You think it's fake?"-
("Dr.D" David Schultz, 20/20 Report, 1984)
During the pro-wrestling boom of the 1980's, a million and one investigative reporters launched one-man missions to prove that the in-ring action was less than real, hopefully uncovering the "shocking" truth that pro-wrestling was indeed "fake" with choreographed moves, staged finishes and scripted outcomes.
Perish the thought.

John Stossel, right-on ABC reporter decided that he should join the leagues of men dedicated to telling you what you already know and being the first to do so.
So Stossel made his way to Madison Square Garden with his 20/20 investigative team armed with a microphone and the golden bow of truth. Backstage at the arena, Stossel confronted longtime journeyman "Dr. D" David Schultz and asked him some questions about the business, Schultz towed the company line and delivered some sneery lines about being a tough guy in a business where only the tough survive. Basically, Schultz cut a wrestling interview (as one would expect him to in the days where the business was "protected" from outsiders)

Stossel then ramps his smarmyness up to eleven, pithily mocking Dr. D's response, he then hits him with what he refers to as "The standard questions" Sounding smug as you like, Stossel implies that wrestling is fake, then a small nuclear explosion goes off on the left side of his head.
After being struck to the ground with a super extreme version of a clip round the ear, Stossel makes it back to his feet just in time to receive one for the road to the right side of his head, Stossel, now sans smugness, scurries off into the background and calls his lawyers.

After various apologies, investigations and lawsuits, Stossel walked away with nearly 500,000 dollars in damages and an constant buzzing in his ears. David Schultz walked away with his pink slip, but has continued to claim ever since that he was pre-warned by WWF officials that Stossel would call him on the business, and that he was ordered to slap the piss out of him if he did.
When all is said and done, it's simply an awesome and very funny piece of car crash TV. The Schultz/Stossel incident is an example of the lengths people used to go to in order to keep the secrets of the business under wraps in those pre-Internet times.
Today, the business is fully aware that most of its former "secrets" have become common knowledge and workers are far more likely to "break character" in public, but all of them put their bodies on the line for the people's entertainment and whilst what they do may not be completely legit, that doesn't mean that they don't deserve the media's respect for doing it.

Just ask John Stossel, speak loudly though.

47. "Stand Back!"

2010-03-05T10:04:00.006Z

-"Stand Back!"-
(Vince McMahon, Slammy Awards, 1987)
Vince McMahon is a twisted evil genius.
Part shrewd businessman, part evil mastermind and part total carny. The owner and proprietor of the WWE has built a billion dollar monopoly with his unstoppable drive, ruthless aggression and arrogant pride, all fuelled by a red-hot temper and a constant desire to be the best, always.

McMahon's various tactics and ideas that have gotten him this far can often be questionable at best, whether its buying up everyone elses best stars and shutting them down during the territory era, or whether its his infamous mud-slinging tactics he uses on any and all people who don't see his way, Vince McMahon has a nasty streak in him and is a man who can bear a grudge against an individual for an insanely long time, borderline an obsession.

McMahon however, is also a tireless patriot and humanitarian, ensuring that his global company regularly performs many acts for charities and the armed forces. McMahon is also a complete workaholic and has famously been working for hundreds of hours a week, every week since he first bought the WWE off his father in 1980.
As soon as Vince had control of the company, he took huge steps to take pro-wrestling from the countries many sporting arenas and turn it into a huge, multimedia icon. Vince worked hard to promote wrestling alongside music and movie stars, adding far more pomp and circumstance to wrestler's costumes, characters and entrances. Vince filled his shows with more interviews and wacky skits in an attempt to sell wrestling as a more theatrical production than an athletic contest, which is the way it had been viewed by the public for many years.
This wasn't "Sport" This was "Sports-Entertainment"

Our entry today concerns "The Slammy Awards" Vince's ridiculous idea for a "Grammys" style ceremony to award pointless trophies to his workers for their performances in a selection of terrible wrestling themed music albums that the WWF released in the late 80's.
The ceremonies were long, arduous and interminable and were a perfect example of everything the classic fan of the time hated about Vince's new direction for the sport they loved.
Vince didn't care about the old-timers or their traditions, what's more, he had a message for them, delivered in his own imitable style.

Because if you're going to tell a huge group of powerful and shady promoters that you're here to shut them down and take over their business. You might as well do it in style. So, backed by a twisted, wrestler based version of Jim Henson's Muppets band, McMahon delivered a warning to his opposition. I accept no responsibility for any mental raping experienced while watching this clip.

Total "Drunk dad at a wedding" enjoyment.
Vince McMahon is a man of questionable ethics, die-hard work practices and unforgiving business methods, but damn, the kid can move.

48. "What I'd Like To Have..."

2010-03-04T15:38:00.003Z

-"What I'd like to have right now, is for all you fat, out of shape, inner-city sweathogs, to keep the noise down, while I take my robe off and show you what a REAL sexy man, is supposed to look like... Hit the music."-
(Ravishing Rick Rude, 80's-90's)
Rick Rude was a hated man. A true heel, Rude made a career out of flaunting the fact that his perfectly chiseled physique was a far cry from the less than svelte anatomy of your average pro-wrestling fan.

Starting his career in the national territory system in 1983, the Minnesota born Richard Roode made his way from promotion to promotion, honing his craft and working on a character that drew guaranteed hate with little effort.
Rude arrived in the World Wrestling Federation in 1987, managed by Jimmy Hart at first but best remembered as a major player in manager Bobby Heenan's "Heenan Family" faction.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude would arrogantly stride to the ring and the call for his music to stop. Amidst deafening boos, Rude would slowly and deliberately recite the above phrase (or a variation of) before revealing his spectacular body to the audience. As a final insult, he would select an attractive woman from the audience and plant a sloppy kiss on her big-haired mush, known as "The Rude Awakening" Another Rude trademark was to have a huge variety of airbrushed tights, rarely wrestling in the same outfit twice.

Rick Rude was a master of the fine art of being a badguy, or "heel" as they are known in the business. Rude was capable of taking his act from town to town and achieving the same reaction from the audience due to his obnoxious arrogance and rule bending tactics. Rude was also aware that, in many cases, the job of the heel is to make the good guy, or "face", look incredible. Like a villain in any good action movie, the heel's role is to make the crowd hate him so much, that they will pay money to watch him get his face kicked in by the current flavour of the month hero.
This is a subtle art that all the best heels from any generation of pro-wrestlers are masters at, Rick Rude being one of them.

Rude plied his trade in the WWF for three years, feuding with Jake "The Snake" Roberts and The Ultimate Warrior, who Rude defeated to win the Intercontinental championship. The ravishing one then left the WWF to join up with rival company WCW, where he feuded with such legends as Ric Flair, Sting and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, whilst also having possibly the single most ass-kicking entrance theme ever written. Rude continued to appear in the late 90's in less physical managerial roles for both companies and the renegade upstart ECW promotion.

Rick Rude passed away from heart failure in 1999 at the age of forty, his contributions to the business will be solidly remembered and his trademark entrance routine and verbal abuse is the stuff of legend.

49. "Broken In Half"

2010-03-03T15:13:00.003Z

-"AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!!"-
(Announcer Jim Ross, The Undertaker Vs Mankind: Hell In A Cell, 1998)
Mick Foley loved pro-wrestling. As a young child, he and his friends would get together and film matches, storylines and interviews where he would display an innate ability to risk life and limb for the sake of a good stunt, consequences be damned.

Foley had been around the business for quite some time when he appeared in the WWF as masked lunatic Mankind, he already had developed a reputation for going above and beyond the standard threshold of risk and pain in his matches and had been the victim of many brutal injuries including the loss of half an ear during a match in Germany with behemoth Van Vader.

Mankind's dark persona was custom-made to be used in a storyline feud with dedicated WWF wrestler an all round professional The Undertaker, who was regularly feuding with similarly dark or twisted characters. The Taker/Mankind feud built until it was decided they would meet in Hell in a Cell, an Undertaker trademark match where the ring was surrounded by a sixteen foot steel mesh cage. The story had built to the point that this violent conclusion was inevitable.

The match began and Mankind made his way to the cell, then in a puzzling twist, he climbed the outside of the cell wall until he was positioned on its roof, high above the fans and the ring. Undertaker made his entrance and joined Mankind on top the monstrous construction. The two wrestlers gingerly brawled on the cell roof while various clips twanged and panels bent, it was a truly uncomfortable sight. Suddenly, scant seconds into the match. Undertaker grabbed Mankind and hurled him from the roof down onto one of the announce tables, obliterating it. The crowd stood and roared whilst millions of fans jaws around the world simultaneously dropped. It was an incredible and highly dangerous stunt that very few expected, but knowing Foley was involved, we should of known better.

After some medical help, it appeared the match was over. Incredibly, Mankind made it to his feet and re-climbed the cell, upon reaching the top, Undertaker choke-slammed Foley through the roof and into the ring below, a move which Foley has gone on record as stating was far more damaging than the more visually spectacular first fall and an event he has little to no recollection of. Following him down, The Undertaker continued to systematically dismantle Mankind until finally ending the match via a Tombstone piledriver and a bag of thumbtacks.

In wrestling, you don't always have to actually "win" matches to be a success, for those fans who weren't already aware of Foley's death-defying bumps, the Hell In A Cell match introduced them to a man who appeared to live to entertain the fans through his vulnerability and bloody-mindedness, living the principle of entertainment at any cost.

WWE have regularly used the Hell In A Cell footage in many highlight reels and it is a staple mention in discussions about pro-wrestling's most shocking events, or "Holy Shit" moments, as they are often called.
Sadly, this match also saw the beginning of a misguided attempt of constant one-upmanship and to this day many young wrestlers have fixated on the idea that a quick route to success is to nearly kill yourself in the ring, even if in front of a small, uncaring audience.
One of these days, someone will receive something much more permanent than crowd approval.

Prologue - 50 Gaming Heroes

2010-03-02T16:08:00.004Z

“The average is the borderline that keeps mere men in their place. Those who step over the line are heroes by the very act.. Go.”
- Henry Rollins

The concept of being able to do something, anything to help out any person in trouble or danger is one I'm hugely into.
A lot of people face various forms of oppression daily, sometimes through bullying or abuse at work, school or home, random violent attacks in the street, or simply when walking home and some stranger feels the need to spout off insults just to big themselves up.

Life is hard enough without having to constantly defend yourself from the rich, powerful, aggressive or just simply rude individuals that put my faith in your race at an all time low.
I do what I can to help others, it makes me feel better about myself, but I'm yet to take some kind of insanity fuelled vigilante stand...
..not yet, anyway.

So the following countdown represents 50 Gaming Heroes, a wide variety of videogame characters all essentially on the side of the good and true. Whilst each and every one of them may have his or her own honest or shady way of going about their business, some could even be considered anti-heroes, You can be safe in the knowledge that the completion of their tasks will essentially be in the name of justice.
Through them, we could be defending the innocent, punishing the guilty, gaining deserved revenge, rescuing the helpless and making the world a safer place, either for one individual or the entire known universe.

They are the imaginary characters who are free to do the right thing without the restrictions of fear and red-tape. They offer an important escape from a world where the an obsession on "rights" makes it a dangerous place to even defend yourself and others from the scumbags who would do us harm.

And while reading, never forget that heroes aren't fairytale, they exist in our world and are called into action across the globe each and every day. We are all the heroes of our own lives, but the real heroes will also a part of somebody else's.

Enjoy, and as always, feel free to comment.

--SPOILER WARNING--
Whilst I have tried to avoid discussing games from the last year or so, I cannot make ANY guarantees that any entries will be spoiler free. I will avoid spoilers only if I can without compromise.

50. "Hulkamania Is Here!"

2010-03-02T16:06:00.007Z

-"Hulkamania Is Here!"-
(Announcer Gorilla Monsoon, Hulk Hogan vs The Iron Sheik, 1984)
Whether a wrestling fan or not, the whole world knows at least one wrestler and its usually Terry Bollea, known globally as superstar Hulk Hogan.

Hulk Hogan was one of the very first pro-wrestlers to receive worldwide recognition and acclaim. Though many wrestlers throughout the 80's were stars in their own right and were far better technical performers, Hogan was an international phenomenon, introduced to much of the world through his wacky "Thunderlips" role in Rocky III.

When Vince McMahon Jr bought the World Wrestling Federation from his father, he immediately sought to change the face of the business into a global entertainment franchise, dubbing his wrestlers "Superstars" and becoming fixated on the role that marketing and merchandise would play in expanding his business from a faux-sport to a crossover form of entertainment, part athleticism, action movie and rock show, all bright lights/big city.

McMahon saw Hulk Hogan, with his incredible frame and infectious charisma as the man to lead pro-wrestling into this new direction. Upon buying the company, Vince took the heavyweight title from long-time champ Bob Backlund and placed it on the villainous Iron Sheik. This led to a match between the self-belief proverb spouting red white and blue of The Hulkster versus the evil Iranian, twirly moustached villain (Those who do not know will soon get to learn pro-wrestling is as sensitive as a tea party between Hitler, the Ku Klux Klan and Mel Gibson)

During the match, Hogan broke the Sheik's feared Camel Clutch hold and started his soon to be regular routine match comeback. With a running leg drop of the ropes, Hogan pinned the Sheik to claim the WWF Heavyweight Championship.
Longtime announcer Gorilla Monsoon stated the above quotation and it was on. Hogan appeared repeatedly on WWF television espousing the virtues of "The training, the prayers and the vitamins" to his fanbase "The Hulkamaniacs" Hogan made regular appearances on MTV, mainstream television shows and in lifestyle magazines, he became the flag bearer for American pro-wrestling and a true global superstar, gaining a variety of merchandise and even THE WORLD'S MOST HORRIBLE CARTOON...

Hulk Hogan is a shameless self promoter and a man with questionable, but effective practices of ensuring he is, and will always be, one of the guys "on top" of the business.
Regardless, it cannot be denied that his legacy is solidly etched the annals of pro-wrestling history. Hogan had the look, the voice and the ability to make the fans come out in droves and, coincidentally, buy a helluva lot of T-shirts. Hogan was also one of the first of many WWF performers to work main event matches using mostly body language and psychology, whilst actually performing very little in the way of physical action. A lost art that would save many lives if it were still around today.

McMahon was off and running. No other promoter stood a chance.
"Brotha!"

Prologue - 50 Wrestling Quotes

2010-03-02T16:03:00.006Z

"For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who do not, no explanation will be good enough"
- Old saying

The above line is much used by people within the pro-wrestling industry, with good cause, as it is incredibly apt.
The sport of wrestling dates back thousands of years, but it's current incarnation of "Sports-Entertainment" is only a million light years away from the sport practiced by the Greeks in biblical times.
Mainstream pro-wrestling in the West falls under this "Sports-Entertainment" banner, a genre coined by World Wrestling Entertainment owner Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Essentially, it was the business, which had protected the truth for many, many years, coming clean about the fact that it was a choreographed spectacle with pre-determined results and a much heavier emphasis on the who's why's and wherefore's of matches than the actual athleticism of the "sport"

Pro-wrestling is an incredible money-making business and millions upon millions of dollars have been made and lost over the last thirty years. Companies have risen and fallen, men have reached superstar greatness and suffered unbelievable tragedy and this has played out on television screens the world over, the business constantly attempting to evolve, but usually falling foul of narrow-mindedness, bad practices or plain old greed.

I have been involved in the business on a super small scale as a backstage producer, student, wrestler and twenty five year fan. I have seen a history play out on TV ever since I was a child and have seen and read of the sacrifices and moral lows people will endure in order to make it in "the business" whether for fame and fortune in front of millions or just on an incredibly small, local independent level.

Pro-wrestlers are bizarre, passionate and complex individuals and much of the business is built on their talent and ego, as a result many things take place on and off camera that are far more dramatic then anything any promoter could have scripted for his workers. On the other side of the coin, sometimes moments are captured that propel a man to superstardom or capture the essence of the fine art of pro-wrestling in one photograph or spoken line.

Here is a list of 50 Wrestling Quotes. These are single soundbites that tell many stories of the peaks and pitfalls that the wrestling business and the colourful characters within have been a part of for our entertainment. Moments that display the science and psychology of wrestling at it's absolute finest and the horrors of the business at its most depressingly tragic.

Please enjoy. Even if you are not a wrestling fan, some of these stories tell of the many dangers of trusting too much, believing your own hype and, most importantly, learning when to say "No"
As I've heard people exclaim many, many times:
"Only in pro-wrestling."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you are a faithful wrestling devotee, please don't be offended if I tell age-old stories or explain obvious terminology. I am writing this as much for people who have never watched a wrestling match in their lives as I am for those who have seen it all.

Many of these events can be viewed on YouTube or other video sites.

00. 100 Games - Epilogue

2010-02-28T16:05:00.007Z

That's that.
100 videogames presented for your consideration, picked and arranged at random and written on the fly with no prior drafting.

I'm not the happiest person in the world, far from it, but I find much escapism and excitement in gaming and the worlds, characters and stories they introduce us to. I am an unashamed gamer and someone who would much rather play games than fight on Internet forums about them.

Videogames are a huge part of my life and have been since that very first game of Horace Goes Ski-ing. As long as I'm breathing, I will be playing games. Videogames have brought me happiness, tears, rage and elation, they have helped me to reflect and learn about myself and through gaming I have met many like-minded friends and associates.

Despite videogames current mainstream acceptance. Gamers are still frowned upon as being nihilistic loners with nothing better to do. It is likely that stigma will never go away, but any gamer worth his salt doesn't care.
Because we have PASSION for games, we CARE about the worlds and characters that hours upon hours of hard work goes into creating for our pleasure. We LOVE videogames because we LOVE to have fun, to be entertained and enthralled, whether in a one man challenge or friendly (and not so friendly) competition with friends or total strangers.

Videogames play on the very best of human emotion and Ill be fucking damned if I'm going to allow myself to feel any such guilt or embarrassment at the behest of a society that thinks it is entertainment to watch z-list celebrities going about their generic daily routines.

Videogames are an art form, they can produce vibrant images and sounds, incredible music and effects and beautifully written storylines and universes. Like all art, some of it is terrible, but for every hundred generic daubings, there's a Michaelangelo.
Games are changing now more than ever, they are becoming very corporate and buzz-word and many fine studios have sadly had to close their doors in the wake of identikit shooters and "designed in a week" shovelware.
The business has crashed before and it may do again, but like a phoenix it will rise from the ashes, the suits will have gone elsewhere to hunt for the almighty dollar and a new generation of studios will have the freedom to express the creativity, originality and interactivity you only get from our most beloved pastime.

The videogame is dead, long live the videogame.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks to everybody who tuned into this list, whether a follower from the beginning or a late joiner, it's irrelevant as I'm indebted to you all.
Thanks to those who added comments which are always great to read and to good buddy Swabbleflange, not only for his Syndicate entry but for much inspiration and good gaming times, you push me when apathy starts to kick in.

It has been an absolute pleasure to write a few passages about what these games are to your humble host. My only regrets were the many games that didn't make the cut that I would have loved to spin a yarn about.
You can read a professional review of any game anywhere, I wanted to to put a more personal spin on what each game means to me and, possibly, to you.
The next list starts in a few days, I hope I will see you all back here for it. My original plans went technologically awry and it appears that I'm gong to have to try something a bit bigger in scope. I hope this is merely the end of the beginning.

Until then, all the best and keep on pressing that "Start" button, because they can't keep implementing quicktime events forever...can they?

Johnny Beatdown.

"The only legitimate use of a computer is to play games" - Defender creator Eugene Jarvis

01. Maniac Mansion

2010-02-28T10:07:00.008Z

(Various Home, Lucasfilm Games, 1987)
Point-and-click adventures are timeless. One of the very few genres that appear ageless and remain fairly unchanged from their original inception to this day are story based adventures games controlled via a small arrow and a series of verbs. Whilst it is very hard to go back to earlier versions of other genres as they can often seem dated or old-fashioned, point-and-clicks appear to be futureproof with Cruise For A Corpse, Sam And Max, Full Throttle, The Monkey Island series and many others all still as enjoyable today as they were on release.

Maniac Mansion set a precedent for this type of game. Released at the end of the 80's, Mansion saw the player take a choice of three super cool teenagers, each with their own awesome theme music, then trespass into a mysterious house in search for a friend of theirs who has vanished into the night. Before long, a bizarre, dangerous and witty story unfolds involving the twisted residents of the house and the mysterious meteor crash site nearby.

The player switches between the three characters of choice and must use each teen's specific skill in order to unlock doors, avoid traps and stay one step ahead of the clutches of the mysterious Edison family residing within the many rooms and corridors of this death trap of a house. By performing a series of tasks ranging from the logical to the downright insane, our heroes can hopefully find their damsel in distress and flee the house before events reach cataclysmic proportions.

Maniac Mansion was the debut of the SCUMM engine (Script Creation Utility for Maniac Mansion) which was an arrow and verb based interface which would go on to be used in a variety of fantastic adventure games, all following the same basic principles of problem solving and and witty, well scripted humour, practically each and every one of these games is immensely playable and mind-bendingly challenging.
Maniac Mansion was released on various formats, each having their own pro's and con's, but however you choose to play it, MM is a clever, funny and hard-working title, providing many hours of amusement and brain scratching. MM is another game I could boot up and play through right now, still finding it as enjoyable as I did when I first encountered it nearly two decades ago.

Maniac Mansion is forever. The game has cool characters, cute visuals, great sounds, brain teasing challenges and long term appeal, with multiple endings and various different paths to get there, depending on the characters you took into the foreboding Victorian estate.

Above all, it's simply a fun way to escape your troubles and while away the hours in an unreal world of fantasy and adventure..
That's avoidance? distraction? irresponsibility?
Nah, That's enjoyment, excitement and satisfaction..

..That's videogames.

02. Max Payne

2010-02-26T09:04:00.010Z

(PC/PS2/XBOX/GBA, Remedy, 2001)
If you were Mr or Mrs Payne, don't even pretend you wouldn't name your son Max.
Vengeance is my all time favourite theme in films, games and comics, Justice is a close second, Vigilantism brings up the rear.
Anybody want to take a guess what I think of Max Payne?
Released in 2001, Max Payne rocked my world, probably the last game my age old PC could run at full spec. I bought the game from the shop I was working in at the time and spent all my time every evening for weeks playing through the game again and again and AGAIN AND AGAIN AND....

Anyway, for those not so inclined, Max Payne was a third person shooter by Remedy Interactive. Max is a homicide detective who one day returns home from work and wanders straight into a home invasion. The resultant tragedy leaves his beautiful wife Michelle and his baby daughter dead and leaves Max a broken, ice-cold man. Tranferring to the DEA, Max goes deep undercover in an attempt to bring down a underworld boss, but a mysterious leak causes Max to become trapped in a situation where he has lost his identity and is now a wanted felon. Max has no choice but to go totally rogue. Without his badge, Max chooses to bring down the underworld the only way he can, in slo-mo and spraying masses of hot lead in harm's way.

The player takes Max through a noir style story, the narrative played out through a gravelly voice-over and comic-book style cut-scenes, word bubbles and all. The big gimmick that sold the game was the introduction of Matrix style "Bullet Time" Max can slow the scene down whilst simultaeniously moving in real time, allowing for brilliantly cinematic, John Woo style gun battles and twin gun diving mayhem. This effect has been milked to death now and is as commonplace in gaming as having a "Jump" button, but at the time was an groundbreaking and very, very cool feature, setting the game apart from the plague of generic shooters on the market at the time.
Max makes his way through the story, racking up a huge bodycount of wacky and not so wacky gangsters in a tale of betrayl, revenge and Norse mythology. There is an army of untrustworthy and sick characters to gun through and even a femme fatale who is the closest thing Max may have to an ally. The voice acting is over the top and the scripting often needlessly over-wrought, but it still feels right for the game's clear comic-book influences. Satisfying sound effects, bleak music and dark lighting all help add to the classic "Noir" look and theme.

A very so-so sequel disappointed me a few years later, and a film released in 2008 was decidedly meh. A third game has been in development hell for a while now and repeated changes in production team, character design and storyline leaves me feeling that it is probably going to be really horrible, should it ever ACTUALLY get finished. Clearly, many other Payne fans feel the same way:
The original game is nearly ten years old now, that makes me feel REALLY ancient. Despite the fact that so much of Max Payne has been copied and over-produced by many lesser games, the game has a very special place in my heart and easily saunters its way into my top ten of all time. Max Payne is a game I will go back to again and again, even if it's graphics, themes and effects are now quite passe. As long as Max cries for retribution, I'll be there to guide him to it..

Because vengeance is timeless.

03. Fallout 3

2010-02-26T08:17:00.007Z

(PS3/Xbox360/PC, Bethesda Studios, 2008)
In recent years, something has become commonplace in adventure gaming, the concept of creating a character of your physical design and then building a moral code of your choosing for them. Many recent RPGs feature this model, with Mass Effect, Oblivion, Fable II and many others all allowing much leeway in your choices to make a man or woman of your choosing, then sending them out into a fully inhabited world to act as noble or despicable as you see fit. Truly, we are in an age where we have some say in how a game plays out, even if, at the end of the day, we don't really have control over the story's events.

Fallout 3 is a great example of this. A sequel to a franchise that had lost its way, Fallout 3 returned the series to its hardcore post-apocalyptic RPG roots. Fallout 3 tells the story of an individual who escapes the "comfort" of their totalitarian bunkered vault to venture into post-war Washington D.C, now just a smouldering mess of rubble, despair and broken buildings. Once out of the statistic building vault section, The player is free to explore the world, following the game's plotline or performing the very many side quests that litter that bleak and terrifying landscape. A cast of hundreds inhabit the world, each with a story to tell and their own attitude towards the socio-political climate that they find themselves in.

Essentially, Fallout 3 is as good as YOU make it, you choices, actions and decisions will decide whether the game is a hundred hour journey of discovery or a twenty hour action movie. By giving the player carte blanche to search, help, loot or kill as they see fit, Fallout provides a stage for the player to become the wasteland hero or scourge they choose to be. People can be befriended or killed, robbed or saved, teamed with or turned against. A side quest can end in bloodshed, resolution or revelation. All of this builds and builds to a climax that sees the shape for civilisation's future forming.

Fallout's story, dialogue and missions are well written and do well to provide solid immersion. The game's faults (if any) are mostly technical. Using the almost archaic-by-today's-standards Oblivion engine, the game suffers from terrible glitching, vanishing skies, ghosting characters and awkward textures and animation. Whilst conversations can go in a wide variety of directions, the character models are very flat and unemotional, lacking the body language and facial features of say, Mass Effect's characters.

For me however, these issues can be easily suffered. Fallout 3 provides me with an exciting, deep and frightening universe, populated with interesting characters that I respect or despise in equal measure. A great selection of missions ranging from the political to the downright crazy await all who wish to explore the capital wasteland and the various expansion packs. Fallout 3 is a game that I can load up and literally spend three hours playing without achieving much more than discovering new places and making the world a better (or worse) place. There's nothing I enjoy more than scouring the lands for Slaving rings and putting those guys out of business at the barrel of a 12-gauge. I'm the Captial Wastelands answer to Frank Castle.

I've done pretty well to summarise Fallout 3 in this entry as I can truly discuss this game for hours (as my long suffering friends can attest to) I havnt even gone into all of the perks, weapons, armours or far reaching moral dilemmas the player will encounter. But hopefully, I've done enough in this short space to sell that Fallout 3, despite its technical shortcomings, is a game that is as addictive and as enjoyable as you choose to make it. Fallout 3 rewards exploration, dedication and deliberation, as opposed to just pulling the trigger on anything that moves. It is very apt that this game should have the fortune to appear so late into this project, as it is a great example of everything that is divine about videogames.
Fallout 3 is not a perfect game, it may not be the best game ever..
But it's dangerously close.

See you in the wastelands brother.

04. Sunset Riders

2010-02-24T09:16:00.007Z

(Arcade/Various Home, Konami, 1991)
Howdy stranger.
Cowboys will always have a place in videogames. From FMV shooters to Grand Theft Auto style sandbox games, the wicky-wicky-wild wild west is an setting often re-visited as much action, danger and excitement abounds. Anyone who has watched one of those live shows where people get shot off rooftops and flip into perfectly positioned hay bales can attest to the excitement of watching hat wearing grizzled guys murdering each other for our children's entertainment.
Personally, I believe the ACTUAL wild west was less like The Lone Ranger and far more like Unforgiven.

Sunset Riders takes place in the most colourful West you've ever encountered, where bulls are red, horses are pink with green hair and bandits all have palette swapped clothing. Into this incredibly fruity rendition of deathsville stride four equally colourful bounty hunters, each running and gunning their way through the game's fast-paced levels, blasting off glowing neon lead at all and sundry, stopping only to drink beer, receive kisses from showgirls and rescue damsels in distress.

"You are listing my broken dreams."

After taking down a series of wanted criminals, enjoying some horse rides and suffering the dullest bonus rounds known to man, our intrepid gunslingers come up against the aristocratic Richard Rose in a battle to free the land from, well.. crime I guess.

Sunset Riders is a classic and well-known arcade and has been experienced by many, many people. Basic in style and design, it is still fun and incredibly chaotic to play with friends as an old fashioned dose of straight, no-brainer entertainment. Konami obviously realised they were onto something good, as they blatantly ripped off their own game for Mystic Warriors sometime later.
Sunset Riders isn't anything astounding to write home about, but it has fun, cartoony graphics and very cool music and sound. There's something about the games basic appeal and retro style that brings to mind a great era where arcades were being churned out ten a week and as long as the quality was at least reasonable, then it was good enough to warrant your loose change.

So lets "Saddle up" and "Round up the wagons" and erm.. "Westwood Ho" or something. By completely ignoring the fact that the West was a nasty, violent, disease-ridden, back-stabbing and bloodthirsty place. Sunset Riders puts the "Fun" into "Fundamental anachronism"

And I got through this entry without a single tired Brokeback Mountain joke.

05. Myth: History In The Making

2010-02-23T11:02:00.006Z

(Various Home, System 3, 1989)
I loved history class, I was never a fan of school in general, but I always enjoyed learning about the past. Especially when our teacher got in trouble for showing us Full Metal Jacket when we were all about thirteen. We can all learn a lot from "The way things were" and whilst the mass media loves to claim how human beings have "never been worse" a mere glance at any book recalling events from any time period often shows that life has always been tough and for every villain, there is usually at least three more heroes.

Myth: History In The Making is an old-school game about a very different kind of history. A young man is chosen by the Gods and pulled through time and space in order to defeat Dameron, a demon who has risen to tear the universe asunder with the help of many mythological creatures.
An action-platformer with puzzle elements, Myth sees the player control the letterman jacket wearing jock as he fights his way through the various time zones, battling an army of Ray Harryhausen style minions using the weapons and magical items bestowed on him or found along his journey.

Many classic characters from Mythos are all present and correct, Achilles, Medusa, Skeletons, Harpies, Norse Vikings, Odin, The Hydra and many other creatures you remember from your favourite stop-motion movies. The young hero must vanquish these beasts using knowledge learnt from their respective legends (Attacking Achilles on the heel, using the Gorgon head against the Hydra etc) As a result it helps the player to be well versed in mythology, though hints are given in the game's instruction manual for the ignorant.

Myth was a very ambitious game and British developers System 3 did an excellent job of squeezing the very best out of 8-bit computers like the Spectrum and Commodore64 to great a colourful, fast moving and visually impressive adventure. It is a great testament to the team that they created such a well animated and attractive looking game on formats that many thought had already peaked in terms of their technological capabilities.
The various timezones are nicely realised and a very imaginative series of puzzles and boss battles await the player who is able to make his way through the constantly re-spawning enemies and avoid the many deadly traps, pits and gaping chasms.

As a kid I really loved the concepts in this game, Myth appeals to that classic childhood adventure idea of being "sucked into" a universe. Kind of like that Captain N: The Games Master show but without the hot princess or the raping of Simon Belmont's dignity.
Myth should be readily available to those versed in emulation, I would strongly suggest giving it a go and logging it into your gaming CV. Relatively unknown, Myth is an absolute classic that deserves to be experienced by all.
It is a reminder of how a format's technology never truly peaks and there is always "one more game" to be squeezed out.

06. Prince Of Persia

2010-02-23T08:45:00.014Z

**CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS AND BITTERNESS**
(PS3/Xbox360/PC/Mac, Ubisoft, 2008)
Has a videogame ever broken your heart?

Prince Of Persia was the 2008 incarnation of the long running series of fine games originally designed by Jordan Mechnar. The 2008 title saw a re-launch of the series with a new Prince and a new approach to the series art, music and storyline. A handsome, down-on-his-luck rogue, the Prince stumbles upon a beautiful young Princess named Elika, who is attempting to seal away an evil power that is slowly destroying her land, turning all the lush scenery into a murky blackness, known as "The Corrupted"
Our reluctant hero decides to help her and together the acrobatic duo must make their way through the broken down kingdom, learning from each other about life whilst slowly restoring the land to its former finery using the powers of Elika's god "Ormazd" Eventually hoping to seal the evil "Ahriman" and his souless creatures away in a temple in the centre of Elika's kingdom.
The player controls the Prince as he and Elika make their way through the land, performing all sorts of high flying maneuvers and relying on speed, timing and teamwork to get through their quest. The game is short and overly easy, but the pleasure comes more from the flow of traversing the dizzying landscape and the enjoyment of the story rather than the challenge of the game itself.

PoP's new art style is wonderful, reminiscent of fine watercolour paintings and is a welcome change from the grimy, industrial look of the previous games (Which are good games in their own right) The Prince is a good hearted and likeable hero and Elika a beautiful and strong-willed girl with just the right amount of vulnerability to make her completely captivating. I found much enjoyment and satisfaction in seeing these two heroes bust themselves hard to right the wrongs and save the kingdom...

Until the end... Boy, I gotta cram a lot of words here.
At the conclusion of the game, Elika sacrifices herself to imprison Ahriman. The Prince, going against all he has learnt on his journey, then re-releases the evil to bring her back to life. The corruption takes over the whole land and Elika is distraught at the Prince's selfish actions. The game ends with Elika's kingdom crumbling to the ground whilst the heroes blindly walk off into the desert.
Now, a game doesn't have to have a happy ending, nor do I mind a story having tragic elements, BUT, what PoP does is a cardinal sin in gaming, It says to the player "EVERYTHING you have done since you picked up the controller wasn't worth a shit"
By allowing evil to triumph and Elika's kingdom to collapse, all prior events are null and void. No matter how well you play, no matter how the chemistry builds between our heroes and no matter how much you achieve. Evil triumphs and the kingdom is destroyed.
Fuck your effort kid, here's an "edgy" ending.
The character development is betrayed, the Prince's selfish act proving that the adventure taught him nothing, Elika and her father sacrificing their lives was for nothing, the player's time and effort was for nothing. Evil won.

The general rumor is that this was to be the first chapter in a new series, fair enough, but Ubisoft have now abandoned this series, choosing to return to its "Sand of Time" storyline to fit in with the upcoming Disney movies. As a final face-stomp to the fans, Ubisoft banged out a forty minute "Epilogue" level. Better than nothing, right? Wrong.
The "Epilogue" still doesn't finish the story, with Elika admitting defeat and flying off, leaving the Prince to battle an approaching demi-god on his lonesome.
Thanks for that Ubisoft, now I only think you're fucking cunts.

Prince of Persia is a beautiful game, it isn't perfect by any means, it is very short and repetitive, but like Mirror's Edge, it provides the player with an almost zen-like, parkour-esque experience. PoP has brilliant, well voiced protagonists, an absolutely gorgeous visual style and a determined "Against all odds" storyline that pushed me to complete the game and see our heroes receive the kingdom they deserved.
I will AGAIN re-iterate, so there is no confusion, my problem isnt that the game had an unhappy ending, it is that the ending meant the player shouldnt have bothered trying. PoP is a game that should you 100% complete it, the conclusion essentially takes you back to 0%
I can think of about ten better ways to finish the story, both happy and sad, all of them better than the one Ubisoft gave us. But hey, I'm just some internet hack, right?

Whether they intended to complete this story over a trilogy or whatever remains to be seen. The deal of cosying up to Uncle Walt is one I don't see Ubisoft driftng from anytime soon,
This could well be the end of the road for the enthralling art style and wonderful characters PoP's 2008 entry gave us, all cut short well before their time. All we are left with is betrayed protagonists, an unfinished story and players cheated out of their hard work. Now I know how Shenmue fans feel.

I've broken my own rules, I've written beyond the length I promised myself for each entry and I've been reduced to spitting venom at games that I love.
Passion for gaming, movies, music or anything is no different from any other type of love:
When it's good, there's nothing better.
When it's bad, it's heartbreaking.

07. Cruise For A Corpse

2010-02-20T09:27:00.006Z

(Amiga/AtariST/PC, Delphine, 1991)
Remember when murder was classy and dignified?
As opposed to today's "knifed in the street by a nobody for looking a bit funny" I'm led to believe that in the 1940's murder was incredibly clean and stylish, always performed for the most dignified of reasons by a beautiful young girl who, upon being discovered, would light a cigarette and take the arm of the detective as they walked to his Bentley.
Of course, that's all bull, murder has always been a tragic and grisly occasion, yet a lifetime of Cluedo and Christie has given me a romanticism about the act of homicide should it occur to rich aristocrats anytime before 1950.

Delphine's Cruise For A Corpse is just such a romanticised murder mystery. As Hercule Poirot rip-off Insp. Raoul Dusentier, the player must solve the murder of a wealthy and disliked business, killed during a yacht journey with all of his enemies invited (Another great cliche "Hey, all you guys who hate me, come and stay for a few days")
Inspector Raoul doesn't mess around with this kind of matter, just look at his shoes and moustache, he's clearly a man of superior intellect and cunning skill. The player takes our snooping hero around the ship using a point and click interface. Searching for clues, interrogating suspects, finding logic holes and hypocrisies, Inspector Raoul aims to bring the perpetrator to justice before the journey ends and our killer escapes scot-free.
Cruise For A Corpse is considered a fine, if very difficult, early entry in the point and click genre. Corpse features lavish backgrounds, polygonal characters, atmospheric cut-scenes and an in-depth and complex plot to work the little grey cells of even the most hardened murder mystery fan. A click-item-then-select-verb based interface was debuted in the game and worked extremely well at the time, allowing for easy manipulation of items, furniture and people. Against the clock, the player must decipher the clues, who's, why's and where's before gathering the suspects together and pointing the accusing finger (Literally dude, that part is in first person)
Women put their hands to their head and faint, men stand and shout accusingly, justice is served and our Inspector smugly walks off the boat. Another well dressed, knife wielding psychopath is behind bars.

Cruise For A Corpse is a classic adventure game that reviewed brilliantly and sold successfully. Whilst Cruise (like many point and clicks) has aged a little roughly today, it is a fine murder mystery game and still one of the toughest adventure games developed.
Wax your moustache and polish those spats because wherever cigar smoking businessmen, gorgeous, fan waving dames, jealousy and cold hard cash are involved, you can always expect one thing..
..Merde!

08. Super Castlevania IV

2010-02-17T11:29:00.011Z

(SNES/Virtual Console, Konami, 1991)
I recently wrote that the Super Nintendo was one of the very best videogame consoles ever made. It's an easy statement to make as, upon its release, Nintendo's new baby blew much competition out of the water with its colourful graphics, visual effects, superb sound quality and innovative control pad, which is still the basis for almost all controllers to this day.
Of course, backing all this up was an incredible selection of games, many of which were simply better than their Sega counterparts. Let's not argue, Whilst the Sega console was very good and released much earlier, thus denying them the "later technology" advantage, the simple fact is in almost every single case, the SNES port of a game would hammer the Genesis/MD version.

Super Castlevania IV is a typical release that defines the formula for many of the earlier SNES games, take a successful genre, keep its classic gameplay style but push the graphics, sound and design to "the next level"
Super Castlevania IV, arguably a remake of the NES game, saw our hero Simon Belmont traverse the deadly, hazardous and terrifying grounds of Dracula's homestead, before making his way through the many halls and rooms of the castle itself, all the time edging one step nearer to a battle with the prince of darkness himself.

With an unashamed simple concept, SCIV is an arcade platformer as they are meant to be. It is a great challenge with scores of enemies, well-timed jumps, pixel perfect landings and a supply of weapons and power-ups to get our boy Simon down the path his family is forever cursed to wander. Armed with his faithful whip and a selection of throwing items, Simon must battle past zombies, Medusa heads, skeletons and a who's who of traditional horror bosses while simultaneously avoiding the many pitfalls, weak floors, spikes, flames and other hazards that Dracula somehow felt the need to install in his house. I bet you can't get that shit at Ikea.

SCIV uses all of the SNES's graphical capabilities including the much vaunted Mode 7, sprite scaling and parallax scrolling effects to create an exciting but foreboding atmosphere. The game is backed with a typically brilliant Castlevania score featuring the badass "Theme of Simon" one of my favourite pieces of VGM of all time. Against this backdrop the player puts his gaming skills to the test, pushing Simon on through insurmountable odds to the final confrontation so he can once again return Dracula to his slumber. Until next time...

I will play Super Castlevania IV forever. It is one of those old games that I can consistently load up and enjoy, the gameplay never dating and the visuals and sound never failing to immerse me. SCIV also brings me waves of nostalgia, as it was one of the games that essentially sold the console to me. By this point, the Super Nintendo had Mario World, Super Ghouls and Ghosts, Final Fight, Pilotwings, F-Zero and Actraiser, the following twelve months would see Super Aleste, Mario Kart, Contra III, Street Fighter II and Zelda: Link To The Past.

I don't remember doing anything much other than gaming in the early 90's
Who'd blame me?

09. Alien vs Predator

2010-02-17T10:30:00.007Z

(Atari Jaguar, Rebellion, 1994)
I have purchased many computers and consoles in my years. I even paid small fortunes for a Panasonic 3DO, an Atari Jaguar and the Neo-Geo. I feel, because of the money I have spent and the trauma suffered as a result I have a given right to make the following exclamation:

The Jaguar was fucking awful.

It looked terrible, it felt terrible, the control pad was an abortion, too light, uncomfortable and lumbered with an appalling keypad. The cartridges were tacky and the games soldered into them sucked balls.
Yes, the 3DO was also bad, but at least on rare occasions when the moon and stars align correctly, I will boot that console up for retro laughs. There is nothing funny about the Atari Jaguar. It is the only console that gives me a stomach ache to use, like all the acids in my body are collaborating to kill me lest I play five minutes of Club Drive or Kasumi Ninja.
I wouldn't find it hard to find people who would agree with me on those feelings, but I'd probably find it harder to find people who think that Rebellion's Alien vs Predator game was terrible, unless I look in the mirror I guess..

You see, there's this cliche that the Jaguar was awful "but Alien vs Predator was AMAZING" Now, I may have over-exaggerated for the sake of terrible comedy, but I need to make it clear that AVP was most certainly NOT amazing. Rebellion made an incredibly brave effort to meld the world of AVP with the First-Person Shooter and it just wasn't the right time yet. I thought the game was terrible, with messy graphics, clunky combat, an obstrusive HUD and boring gameplay. The player's character walks endlessly down corridors before coming upon a lone enemy or two, you kill him then continue wandering for a bit longer. Repeat. What was also a sure fire bet to be a pant-wettingly scary game isn't, as the sound effects and blocky sprites doing nothing to encourage any feeling of fear.

People will argue that I'm being unfair to an old game and there is truth to that, but when I bought AVP home in a desperate attempt to enjoy something, ANYTHING on my Jaguar, I was just left bored and uninspired. I still think Doom is a smoother, more satisfying and far better designed game. I'm sure I won't convince many gamers that this game is overrated, but if you can find some enjoyment on the Jaguar, you're a better, or possibly more determined man than I am.

Rebellion's second attempt at the AVP franchise was on the PC in 2000, where they produced a brilliant, atmospheric and terrifying game which delivered upon all the ideas one would expect from a FPS based Alien vs Predator game. As of this writing, a THIRD Rebellion AVP game is released in only a matter of days. It will be interesting to see if they can pull it off again as they've raised their own standard pretty high.
It is never my intention to ragebait, only to be true to myself. So, if you disagree, don't cry at me for this entry. Have a think about what this game may have seemed like to people who paid a fortune to play it in 1994, not just to people who retro-actively experienced it for free on an emulator in 2010.

The Alien vs Predator FPS was released way too early, when the technology couldn't have possibly hoped to deliver the ambitious plans that Rebellion conceived.
I can taste the fanboy RAGE already. Let's move on, I'm nearly home.

10. Night Driver

2010-02-15T09:35:00.009Z

(Arcade/Various Home, Atari, 1976)
Night Driver is the original first person racing game.
Take a look at the screenshot above, now imagine that scrolling toward you for about ninety seconds, then dumping you back into the demo again, the lack of sound being the only clue that the game is over.

That, fellow gamers, is Night Driver completely summarised.

The player inserts a coin, hits the gas and turns a wheel to control the car as it "speeds" through the night. A very conveniently dark night at that, obscuring both the front of the car, any roadside buildings or, for that matter, other cars. It truly is the blackest night you've ever seen, can't the guy hit the headlights or something?
Unfunny cynicism aside, Night Driver is essentially the first real attempt to create the cockpit driving simulator we take for granted today, everything from Pole Position to Gran Turismo has roots in Atari's classic which rocked the arcades at the same time as other bare bones genre starters such as Outlaw, Pong and Stunt Cycle, all of which were very popular amongst the many gamers who themselves paved the way for you and I today.

It's very easy to take videogames for granted today. We cannot be blamed for being so quick to rubbish 90% of releases for the most pathetic of reasons when such an incredible abundance of software has been thrust upon us week after week since the 1970's. It is quite bizarre to imagine a time when less than a hundred games were even in existence. A lot of people are quick to complain about how gaming "Used to be better" but in actuality it isn't all that different, there will always be good games, exceptional games and terrible games, it is more a case of whether gaming remains true to itself and its dedicated fans.

Atari paved the way for a lot of the games you see today, to think that driving games have gone from Night Driver to Forza 3 in a little over thirty years is incredible and humbling. Night Driver is one of the few 70's games I have had the pleasure of playing in its original, dedicated cabinet form.
Today, the game has little to keep interest for more than a few seconds, but do not despair Night Driver, for you are one of the most trail-blazing games ever invented. You also have a damn cool cabinet.

I choose to believe that this dude is behind the wheel.

11. Super Mario World

2010-02-15T08:19:00.016Z

(SNES/GB Advance/Virtual Console, Nintendo, 1990)
As we approach the end of this list it is notable that few Nintendo games made the cut. The list is completely random so there is no big conspiracy here. Also, I am a huge fan of the majority of Nintendo's first party software, or at least I was, looking at my Wii as it gathers dust underneath my PS2, I think my fandom waned a long time ago.
Nintendo, in a strong and very successful attempt to lead the mainstream videogame charge into the new decade, have basically turned their backs on their faithful audience. Nintendo have let their unblemished track record slip and have resorted to slapping together easy sale games and marketing them with tacky, classless and sometimes arguably false advertising. Throughout this, their die-hard fans remain true and faithful to the big N, despite being slapped in the face then kicked in the balls.
The reason is that these fans know what Nintendo are truly capable of when not shilling awful brain and body trainers to people who like being fashionable but hate videogames. Back when no-one could give a damn or even conceive the idea of a Wii heart-rate sensor, Nintendo were busy making games like Super Mario World.

A launch game for the Super Nintendo, one of the finest videogame consoles EVER produced, Mario World saw the faithful plumber mascot transported to a typically cutesy prehistoric world, featuring all the classic Mario styles, enemies, platform jumping, power-up and coin collecting action one would expect from this never fail series. The player guides the iconic hero across the map and through a possible ninety-six exits leading to the far reaches of the map and beyond. The new power-up this time around was a feather which granted Mario a cape for fast gliding fun. Yoshi was the Scrappy Doo sidekick this installment, but manages not to be too annoying and is actually of genuine use.

Every inch of Super Mario World screams class, effort and professionalism, from the crisp and colourful graphics to the fantastic music and sounds. The game features many visual and audio effects that show off the capabilities that the SNES brought to home gaming, not only is Mario World an incredible game, it showcases the new console at its finest like all launch games should. There is immense replay value to be had trawling through the various locations. I have played through the game repeatedly and will continue to do so for the rest of my days. Even upon unlocking all the levels the temptation to wipe your save file and start again is a strong one, you almost can't get "too much" of Mario World. I truly believe that.

I also truly believe Nintendo have lost their focus, their flip-flop attitude toward third parties, shallow advertising tactics and terrible gimmicks (such as games where you score yourself and games which play themselves if you get stuck) have turned them from honorable videogame giants to Fisher Price-esque toymakers.
That is an essay in itself, I can explain my points better elsewhere and I'm sure Nintendo fans would disagree with me anyway, which is fair enough.

Please do not read this as a negative entry. I rage against Nintendo only because of their fall from a commitment to absolute excellence. The better you are, the easier your standards can slip and as Mario Bros/Kart, Zelda, Starfox, Metroid, Punch-out etc prove, Nintendo were the very, very best.
I think Super Mario World is a perfect game, it is one of the best games ever made on one of the best consoles ever produced. Super Mario World is a symbol of everything Nintendo was capable of achieving when five star gaming everytime was their top priority, not selling gimmicky consoles to bored soccer moms.

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Please visit: http://swabbleflange.blogspot.com/2007/08/8-super-mario-world-super-nintendo.html for a far less cynical and more deserving write up on this fine game.

12. Weird Dreams

2010-02-14T12:06:00.003Z

(Amiga/ST/C64/PC, Rainbird, 1989)
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today"
That's all well and good James Dean but what happens if your dreams are trying to KILL YOU. The concept in Rainbird's Weird Dreams is just that, but that is only the tip of the iceberg.

Weird Dreams is one of those games from the late 80's/early 90's that played with a whole manner of completely experimental ideas just to see how things would work out as a result. The game came with a sixty four page novel featuring the game's backstory, the novel ends at the point where the player begins the game.
Essentially, a young man named Steve falls in love with a girl called Emily who, unbeknownest to him, is possessed by a demon. The demon within Emily tricks Steve into taking some medication, ostensibly to cure his mild illness. Instead, these pills allow the demon into Steve's mind, forcing him to undergo terrifying lucid nightmares. Steve has brain surgery to try and control his restless nights and the player controls Steve as he is under anaesthetic on the operating table, walking him through his nightmares and hopefully keeping his heart rate steady to avoid our hero being literally scared to death.

Pretty heavy stuff, huh?

Weird Dreams is a sideways scrolling arcade adventure and arguably an early example of survival horror. Steve makes his way through a series of bizarre and frightening sequences, fighting and dodging all manner of surreal and mysterious creatures. As the levels take place within the human mind, all bets are off and absolutely anything can (and will) materialise to either help or hinder Steve in his quest to survive his surgery and clear his head of his demons.
Weird Dreams is, as it title suggests, an incredibly surreal experience, like real-life dreams, there is no rhyme or reason to the enemies, weapons or locations. Events change by the second and this perfectly captures the unpredictable and sometimes very scary imagery that dreams can evoke. A suitably eerie soundtrack by veteran David Whittaker punctuates the story with both original tunes and twisted classical music.
It is worth noting that a special version of Weird Dreams was made for children's Saturday morning UK TV show Motormouth, viewers would call in and control Steve via their telephones. Back then and still today I think it was a very odd choice of game.

Weird Dreams is far from fantastic. Questionably balanced difficulty and typically horrible Amiga load times can ruin the momentum. Steve is quite clunky and slow to respond to the player's controls which can lead to some frustrating deaths. I'm sure you're aware by now that I'm a huge advocate of experimentation and any attempts to try something "a bit different" from more mainstream games. In that regard, Weird Dreams rates highly, with a bizarre and dark plot, a novel for an instruction manual and a very eerie approach to visualizing the subject matter of nightmares, demons and major surgery. Weird Dreams is an unsettling and unforgettable experience with a healthy dose of twisted Python-esque humour stirred in. I would recommend any gamer to give it a try. Don't expect anything fantastic, just let yourself soak in the surreality of game which sees you trapped in a wasp infested candy floss machine and also features attacks from killer footballs and giant piano keys.

Just don't let the bed bugs bite. Literally.

13. Blade Runner

2010-02-13T10:23:00.012Z

(PC, Westwood, 1997)
People are forever clamouring for a definitive Blade Runner game. Last year, some mysterious art was leaked for an alleged "in the works" game based on Ridley Scott's incredible sci-fi classic. Sadly though, it appears that this game was canned.
So fans got real sad and went back to wishing that a dedicated and faithful recreation of Los Angeles circa 2019 will one day surface.

Do any of these people know this already happened thirteen years ago?

Westwood's Blade Runner is a point and click adventure telling the story of Rep-Detect agent Ray McCoy, who has been assigned to track down a group of replicants who were involved in the massacre at a pet store, a crime most heinous in the universe's post-animal times. As McCoy investigates this case, murder, mystery and intrigue will all combine in the polluted, dystopian world where danger lurks in every shadow and the most simple conversations can have fateful consequences.

Blade Runner absolutely goes out of its way to placate die-hard fans of the film by faithfully recreating locations, characters and even camera angles from the movie. The player investigates crime scenes, gathering evidence and interviewing witnesses via dialogue trees. The game has brilliant sequences involving the photograph analysing Esper unit and the Replicant detecting Voight-Kampf machine. These sections are very cool and integral to the game's design, as what you see and miss in photographs and interviews can change the outcome of various characters lives.
The other characters all go about their business in real-time, meaning that fellow agents or dangerous killers can the better of McCoy, or see him as a severe threat based on what you have uncovered, you even have the choice to withhold any evidence that you would rather keep to yourself. The results of these interrogations, photographic clues and gun blazing choices all build toward various endings, ranging from generically happy to quite bleak, with various stages inbetween.

Blade Runner looks and sound incredibly authentic, with locations, sounds, music and cast members from the movie, as well as recreations of opening and closing sequences and the use of BR's range of wonderful vehicles and gadgets. The graphics are done with animated FMV backgrounds ala Fear Effect and are a little blurry today The visuals probably look horrifying on a HD monitor, but it's unfair to blame old games for suffering on new technology. Good voice acting and a strong script re-enforce the story and bring life and emotion to the characters. Action scenes with multiple outcomes and various conversation paths provide replay value for the dedicated player.

Blade Runner is a game made for the fans. By avoiding re-telling the events of the movie again, it has allowed for the developers to weave their own tale of deadly life in the BR universe (though many scenes in the game are chin-strokingly reminiscent of the movie's plot) The result is quite succesful, whilst there are better point and click games available, BR more than fulfils its purpose. The game has mysteriously faded into obscurity in recent times and I'm convinced many people do not even know it exists.
I would be very happy to hear that a new Blade Runner game is being made for this generation of consoles. As a huge fan of the movie, I would be anticipating it with both sweaty palms and a fear of dread (because you shouldn't trust any movie tie-in) but if that game never, ever emerges, it doesn't matter.
The definitive Blade Runner game has already been made, you just have to get digging and find it. It has been lost in time..

Like... Tears, in rain.

14. Rolling Thunder

2010-02-11T13:20:00.007Z

(Arcade/Various Home, Namco, 1986)
I'll tell you what was big in the 80's, lanky, well animated secret agents storming complexes to stop evil men from destroying the Earth. In this case, sadly, the hero found that the name "Agent 4125" had been taken and was only left with the codename "Albatross" Yeah, this guy was definitely last in line at WCPO headquarters.
Agent Leila Blitz has failed to return from her assignment investigating a mysterious society known only as Geldra. Interpol, rather than disavowing any knowledge of her actions, has decided to send another agent after her. So Albatross dons his roll-neck and drainpipe trousers and heads into the danger zone armed with a pistol and the ability to leap stories in a single vertical jump.

I just wish he'd brought a bulletproof vest and a gumshield.

Rolling Thunder is a classic Namco arcade from the mid-80s in which the player controls Albatross as he makes his way through Geldra's cavernous base, gunning down an army of men who look like KKK members who were involved in an explosion at a paint factory. As Albatross ventures deeper into the stronghold, strange mutants and other creatures will also attempt to halt his progress. If he is to face Geldra's Ming lookalike leader Maboo and rescue his fellow agent, Albatross and the player are going to need fast reactions and some very skilfull game playing.

Rolling Thunder is cooler than ice. A James Bond-esque action game that plays very similar to Sega's later Shinobi series. Albatross scrolls through each stage, traversing the two floors while constantly fighting off Geldra's soldiers attacking from all directions, some armed with guns and grenades. I don't know how Interpol trains it's agents, but Albatross, despite his ultra classy attire, is a bit glassjawed. Our hero will drop if he receives a single bullet or just two punches to the face. I don't blame Albatross as such, but it does make me believe anyone could join the WCPO.

"So, Albatross, You're going in and getting Agent Blitz back."
"Awesome, can you tool me up?"
"Here's a pistol and a handful of bullets"
"Ah.. Ok..Umm what about a machine gun or maybe some extra ammo?"
"On-site procurement."
"Ok... a Flak jacket?"
"Here's a roll-neck sweater, It's 100% wool"
"Um. Thanks, what if I'm attacked by mutants?"
"Hide behind a door until they walk past you. Get going."

Rolling Thunder ticks all the boxes on my "Classic arcade" list. It's fast paced, simple in concept and exceptionally difficult. It relies on lightning quick reactions and hardcore perseverance. It looks and sounds great and is still a lot of fun today. It was followed by a great sequel and a so-so Megadrive only third iteration.
Rescuing the red-headed Leila and dropping Geldra is no easy task, especially in those trousers, but as you should have learned about me by now, if there's a damsel in distress, she might as well chill back and and read a magazine. I'll be there. Eventually...

I have a red-headed girlfriend called Leila, of course it isn't a coincidence.

15. Twisted Metal: Black

2010-02-10T11:43:00.008Z

(PS2, Incog Inc. 2001)
Speed kills. So do clowns with their heads on fire.
I mentioned somewhere in this project how I'm not really a fan of driving games, more specifically, racing games. I don't think they're bad games, I'm just terrible at them and I don't believe in using the brake button. For me, a game involving vehicles has to have some kind of gimmick, if that gimmick involves driving dangerously and without the hope of self-preservation, sign me up.

Twisted Metal: Black was a return to form for the franchise. Debuting on the Playstation around the consoles release, the Twisted Metal games document a series of tournaments in which crazed characters battle to the death in various modified vehicles laden with tricks and weapons. The winner of the tournament is granted a wish by its host Calypso, a man left scarred and burnt from his own lack of using the brake button.

After 989 Studios spectacularly failed with the abysmal third and fourth incarnations of the franchise, Sony handed the series to Incog Inc with hopes they could revitalise what had become a complete joke of a game. Incog went to work and produced a new, mysterious and dark vision of the TM universe, incidentally, they also produced an outstanding game.
TM:B is fantastic, the player chooses from one of a selection of seriously messed up drivers and their respective vehicle and goes headlong into war over a series of battlegrounds, along the way we learn of the chosen characters backstory and future plans should they win the tournament, after defeating the boss, the player is treated to an ending depicting the victor receiving their heart's desire.
Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

TM:B jams along at breakneck speed, with crisp graphics, brilliantly designed interactive arenas, slick weapon effects, vicious difficulty and a cataclysmic music score. The game truly captures the feeling that this tournament could bring about Armageddon with its constant destruction and an absolute disregard for both the environment or human life. The only thing these characters are speeding toward is oblivion.
The oppressive atmosphere is bleak and dirty. Black clouds, fog and thunderstorms permeate the skies, whilst buildings topple, factories explode and Ferris wheels come lose from their hinges and storm through sleepy suburbs, all this takes place while the vehicular homicidals speed around launching missiles, oil drums, freeze rays, landmines and a variety of trademark weapons against all and sundry.

The story mode's cut-scenes are brutal and grim, but tend to come off as very nu-metal cheesy and sometimes unintentionally funny when the game is trying way too hard to shock. Still, the backstories are curious and provide real intrigue for the character's fate.
I love Twisted Metal, but for anyone who has gotten over themselves, it is very hard to find fellow fans who aren't massively obnoxious. Y'see TM fans tend to take the storylines incredibly seriously and have a God-like reverence for killer clown mascot Sweetooth, despite the fact he is clearly the most un-original character in the history of horror. Wacky designer David Jaffe has gone on record claiming that "he is" Sweetooth. Many TM fans are die-hard to the point you wonder just how far their love for the games will take them. Imagine hardcore Nintendo fanboys but with added Slipknot and self-harm and you're getting there.

I may be being a bit judgemental but the majority of TM fans I've spoken to online have been unlikeable, rude and angry. I'm sure they're not ALL like that, but it seems that feeling sorry for yourself, hating life and Twisted Metal go hand in hand.
I imported an American PS2 just so I could play the uncensored version as the PAL release removed all the cut-scenes, all the written backstory and even some of the arena interactions, leaving the game butchered. So yes, I love TM:B enough that I imported a console solely to play it as it's one of my absolute favourite games, but fortunately I know where the line is between loving something and treating it as a reflection or a guide to your own life.

Twisted Metal: Black is total mayhem, it's annihilation in videogame form.
Jaffe has metioned that a PS3 sequel is coming but to date Sony have yet to confirm this. In these "Everybody's online" times it would be a perfect multiplayer.
Gentlemen, start your engines.

16. Fear Effect

2010-02-10T09:26:00.007Z

(Playstation, Kronos, 2000)
Remember when EVERYTHING was like The Matrix? There was this awful period of time where all games, films, TV shows, adverts and music videos used effects and styles blatantly stolen from the acclaimed Wachowski movies. As part of this trend, a slew of futuristic techno adventures hit the home consoles. Try to remember three of them... see, that's how great they were.

Fear Effect was one of these hip games. Three mercenaries are hired by a wealthy but crooked Hong Kong businessman to look for his daughter who has been kidnapped by a bizarre doomsday cult. Our anti-heroes venture into a grimy steampunk-esque version of Hong Kong armed with an array of automatic weaponry and some highly dubious moral standings. The player alternates between the three characters (two grizzled dudes and a sexy girl) as they search for the missing girl, fast becoming trapped in a nightmarish world of Chinese folklore and demonology.

Fear Effect was similar to many survival horror games of the time, all fixed cameras, rotating tank controls and logic puzzles. The kick here was in the game's visual style, Fear Effect uses sprites made of shaded polygons to create a very angular, comic book look. These sprites are overlayed onto animated FMV backgrounds. This approach has mixed results, while very stylistic and cool, the sprites can look horribly "stuck on" and on occasion you can clearly spot the moment where the background animation loops, which really takes you out of the atmosphere. Overall though, it's a pretty groovy concept.

The player guides the characters through various locations over the game's four discs. Death results in the game cutting to some often incredibly violent cut-scenes depicting the character's demise followed by a varied and classy Game Over screen. These scenes further emphasise the cinematic feel Kronos were working toward. The game features frequent puzzles, but as a twist, the answers to many of them of hidden amongst the game's decor. For example, the solution to a colour coded door lock may also be the colour pattern of a neon billboard in a previous screen. This can make for some backtracking and physical note-taking, but is at least a novel approach and a welcome change from "Find gem, place gem"

Fear Effect is not an excellent game, the visuals are very stylish but do not always blend well. The combat is awkward and the characters have awful leg animation that makes them look like they have no knees. The game also suffers from some nasty load times after death. It is a game of great intentions though, with atmospheric sound, impressive cut scenes and a creepy storyline. I often think that Fear Effect may have been a little ahead of its time and had it debuted on the PS2, all the ingredients would have worked together a little better. A sequel was released which improved upon many issues but also tacked on a cringe inducing bisexual sub-text that was both immature and embarrassing, setting back the "Adult gamers are adults act" by about fifty years. I like gorgeous pretend women as much as the next freak, but sometimes it can go so very wrong.

Seriously. Grow the fuck up.

Fear Effect was a legitimately good game, I just think it was born a few years too soon. Work began on a PS2 sequel, but was scrapped for budget reasons. Maybe it's time for a new adventure for Hana and friends, their morally dubious lifestyle would fit today's plethora of videogame scumbags perfectly.

Kane and Lynch vs Hitman vs Fear Effect. Make it happen Eidos. Oh, right.

17. Final Fight

2010-02-09T13:55:00.015Z

(Arcade/Various Home, Capcom, 1989)
My favourite comic book characters are The Punisher and Batman. I love Death Wish 3. I love scrolling brawlers. What do these all have in common?
No, not leather pants, Vigilantes.
I loathe street crime. The idea that as human beings we do not have the right to walk the streets in comfort without being aware of the people around us, the places we shouldn't go and the areas we should avoid at night is unfair and wrong. I have no problem with the police, but as I have said before, their hands are tied. Without being too Daily Mail about it, the police have all sorts of procedures and paperwork they have to follow as well as worrying about the "human rights" of those that choose not to respect the rights of others.

Better put, the thought of a rapist having his face blown off with a Magnum makes me FUCKING LAUGH.

Final Fight is the grandfather of the "Take back the city" genre that was hugely popular in the late 80's/early 90's. Other games had already used similar concepts, but Final Fight took it to another level. With huge sprites, grimy music and a series of stereotypical "gang locations" Final Fight presented the basic premise of walking from left to right whilst hitting a button and made Capcom a small fortune in the process.

Metro City is in serious trouble, not only are they overrun with "Mad Gear" the most colourful gang ever formed, but the good people of the city have decided to put a pro-wrestler in office. When Mayor Mike Hagger's beautiful daughter Jessica is kidnapped, rather than sort out the fiscal year's budget cuts, Mayor Hagger dons some green trousers and hits the streets. Hagger also enlists the help of Jessica's boyfriend Cody and some golden ninja warrior called Guy who likes to be a third wheel. Seriously, It couldn't be more "on" if it tried.

Our heroes hit Metro City and paint the town red, with blood probably. The players can utilise either Cody's boxing and tight jeans skills, Guy's supreme ninja empire skills, or Hagger's skill of pretending to fight in order to massacre their way through hordes of gang members on the way to meet gang boss Belger, residing in an uptown penthouse office. Along the way a variety of weapons can be put to good use and never forget that in the world of scrolling brawlers, an oil drum can contain anything from a fully cooked roast chicken to a steaming cup of coffee or a nice watch. The game also has an amusing history of censorship, with a host of back and forth changes made to various releases of the game too numerous to list here.

Final Fight is timeless. While the game's concept and presentation may have dated, it seems impossible not to still have lots of fun playing through the game with a friend. It's simply mindless mayhem, with an array of cartoonish badguys, great bonus rounds, over-dressed bosses, a grindhouse synth soundtrack and a ridiculous approach to crime-fighting. If these games are to be believed, you can clear crime out of your city by leaving the house and literally walking through each district while kicking the tar out of everyone who looks like they may get a bit rapey.

Capcom are clearly very proud of Final Fight as various characters, backgrounds, cameos and references have since been made in their other games. They are right to have this pride, as Final Fight spawned a slew of imitators through the early 90's and is still finding itself ported to new formats today (An Xbox360 HD version is just around the corner)
I don't believe Final Fight should be "remade", it had a place in time where it was king and that time is not today (See entry #55) But that doesn't mean it can't still be enjoyed for what it is today by gamers both old and new, whether re-visiting their own past or just learning about Capcom's.

I keep my fists constantly taped. No matter how many times Hagger's office phone starts ringing, I'll always be ready to rumble.

18. The King Of Fighters

2010-02-08T13:36:00.020Z

(Arcade/Various Home, SNK, 1994 Onwards)
I'm a fighter, not a lover.
The family of fighting games is an extended one with a deep history and unlikeable relatives. Since Capcom's roaring success, many contenders have thrown down the gauntlet with their own series. Usually a one-on-one fighting game with a new gimmick thrown in, be it more gore, more weapons or every fighter being a PITIFUL ROBOT. For every fighting game fan their is that one franchise that for them stands supreme, a "home territory" if you will. Whilst any fan worth his salt will gladly play various games and accept challenges from all comers, each and every one has a franchise that is "their world"

Welcome to my world.

The King Of Fighters series began in 1994 on the brutally expensive Neo-Geo console. Mixing characters from Fatal Fury, Art of Fighting and other games, SNK put together a three-on-three fighter which had brilliantly detailed visuals, loud, anime-esque sound effects and difficult, fast-paced gameplay. From this 1994 incarnation SNK went on to make an update each year, adding and subtracting characters, moves, backgrounds, teams, system features and bosses, all played out against an incredibly labyrinthine plot (Seriously, there really is a storyline for each character as well as a general arc that goes through the entire franchise. It is skull crushingly deep and wacky)

With each new game the player was encouraged to work on their dream team of three fighters, dissecting each characters strengths and weaknesses and working on combos, super moves and even the psychology of order picking. The roster had soon grown to over fifty characters, leaving the character select screen looking incredibly daunting to new players. There is someone for everyone though, with an enormous selection of "cool" dudes, emo whiners, sexy tough girls, moody ninjas and nauseating kids. KOF manages to keep the game fairly well balanced despite the huge roster size and most of the characters follow the command/charge style that almost all fighting games have adopted since Street Fighter II.

The characters have incredibly hip designs (the later game's protagonists looking more like Japanese fashion models than anything else) and colourful, detailed backgrounds. The Neo-Geo synth busts hard and creates a mostly hit and miss soundtrack for each game, with many teams having their own themes. Everyone is also quick to spout out fantastic engrish cries, move names and win quotes.

For sixteen years I have played each and every one of these games since the franchise began. I have never stopped enjoying the pace, action, characters, competition and even the crazy story that KOF has thrown my way. The latest installment was sadly a little lacklustre, being hot on graphics but cold on content. There is also a HORRIBLE looking live-action movie nearing completion. These and some bizarre ideas (a schmup and online RPG) are among the reasons that lead many to believe that the series may have finally reached its end.
That remains to be seen, the same year (2009) also saw the Japan release of KOF 2002 Unlimited Match, which is an incredible collaboration of everything that makes the series glorious, this alone provides me with the hope that future can get brighter.

(Leona Heidern. My one and only)

Whatever time and fate holds for the KOF franchise, the previous games are indelibly etched into my heart. The King Of Fighters is my favourite videogame franchise of all time.

I think they are the greatest fighting games ever made.

19. Impossible Mission

2010-02-08T12:29:00.005Z

(Various Home, Dennis Caswell, 1984)
"Another visitor... stay awhile... STAY FOREVER!"
The evil Professor Elvin Atombender has hacked his way into the world's defense systems and is planning on creating missile-firing mayhem in six hours. Once this occurs, World war III will surely follow. Prof. Atombender is in deep though because one man is determined to stop his plan. A man in a black jumpsuit, a man who apparently didn't feel the need to bring a gun with him, a man who has mastered the art of the forward somersault...

..He has no name, you can call him Agent 4125.

Impossible Mission is one of my earliest gaming memories, I remember sitting in my friends living room and spending hours on the Commodore 64 with this game, playing on a huge TV that didn't have a remote and was surrounded in faux leather video cases and pirate copies of films like The Exorcist and Clockwork Orange. It was a joyous summer indeed.
As the incredibly well animated Agent 4125, the player must make their way through a series of single screen rooms, linked together by elevator shafts. Each room features a selection of items that must be searched for puzzle pieces and passwords, all whilst avoiding the patrolling robots and pits of doom. Unarmed, Agent 4125's only "weapon" is a ten out of ten somersault that he can perform over the robot's heads, he can also temporarily disable the robots should he collect a "Snooze" to do so. In the elevator, 4125 must put all the puzzle pieces together in order to open the main door to Atombender's control room so he can deadly somersault his ass back to the stone age and save the planet.

Impossible Mission is what retro games are all about. The game has basic but stylish graphics and cool sound with some iconic speech samples. Impossible Mission is simple in concept and easy to play but incredibly difficult to complete. There are thirty-six puzzle pieces to collect and re-form, these sequences are especially mind-numbing and are a far cry from the pixel perfect jumping fun that is had in the robot rooms. There's also a terrifying globe that slowly chases you ala The Prisoner and a "Simon says" style bonus game where you can gain extra "Snoozes".

I never completed Impossible Mission, I usually gave up after spending so much time rotating and re-colouring those damn puzzle pieces. Despite this, it is one of my favourite games of all time. I spent many hours playing it with friends and think its look, feel and sound effects are so very cool (especially the never-ending scream should our intrepid hero mis-judge a pit jump) I cannot emphasise enough how succesfully this game transports me back to my youth, it is one of those glorious games that actually conjures up images of long forgotten sights, sounds and memories.

Impossible Mission is easy to find today, it was on a slew of home formats (C64 being the definitive version) and was also re-released on PS2 and Wii Virtual Console. If you haven't played it before, track it down and give it a razz, it's an absolute classic.

Here's to Agent 4125, he was flipping over robots before Snake had even sparked up his first cigarette.

20. Rez

2010-02-03T09:22:00.007Z

(Dreamcast/PS2/Xbox360, United Game Artists, 2001)
"Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand." - Albert Einstein.

Occasionally, someone uses the medium of videogames to try something that they see more as a vision than anything else. I'm not referring to experiments such as Laserdisc games or motion sensor controls, I mean examples of games where the player's interactivity is secondary to the overall audio/visual result of the player's reactions.
There have been various games, for example Vib-Ribbon, that use the idea of music and vectored imagery to create a playing experience like none other, where game playing goes beyond a hand-to-eye coordination challenge and more of an attempt to create a flowing dynamic of sound and art.

Rez is an excellent example of this. In Rez, The player controls a pulsing avatar as it travels along a linear path. This avatar represents a hacker attempting to infiltrate an all encompassing supercomputer named EDEN. EDEN's incredible A.I level has caused it to become self-aware and it is entering into a status of shutdown that will have far reaching consequences should it be completed. The hacker must reach the very base level of EDEN's program and re-boot the system whilst analysing any extra data to facilitate the task.

The avatar flies through an incredibly detailed, vibrant and colourful world, "painting" enemies with a lock on target to destroy them. As the player makes their way through EDEN's network, they will come across various viruses, firewalls and boss battles that attempt to impede their progress.
Rez is incredibly simple in concept, but that concept is only the base for the game's real vision. Playing along to a futuristic electronica soundtrack, drum fills, sound effects and various synthesised samples are added by the player's actions, such as locking on to enemies, firing weapons, collecting power-ups or activating special attacks. The key to Rez is to play the game with a style and grace that allows the music to mix with these user generated effects to create a beautifully flowing soundtrack. Whilst there most certainly is a "game" there, with levels, boss battles and an ending, the idea isn't so much about finishing levels as it is to get there while creating wonderful musical compositions that match the artistic visual action.

It is a game that is best played than described and played it was, building a huge cult fanbase and making many people's "Best games ever" list. Nearly ten years later, very few games have matched Rez's vision and accomplishments in the field of interactive sound and music.
Rez is not my type of game, but that does not mean it has no importance to me. If you have read this far into this project, you must be aware of my love of any attempt to experiment with videogames from a different angle, but whereas most of those attempts are "Nice try, but no" from many gamers, Rez truly locked on, fired and hit the mark with style and class.
The HD format was made for Rez and the Xbox360 version is awesome.

Rez is imagination in videogame form, whilst these kinds of games will never set the charts blazing, it is integral to us as gamers that they get made at all.

21. Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts

2010-02-03T08:29:00.004Z

(SNES/Various Home, Capcom, 1991)
Videogames are too easy. It's a hoary old cliche that is rolled out time and again by anyone who has played games for over fifteen years and it is tiring to hear.
Do you know why these things become cliche? It's because they are usually the truth.
When videogames mainly consisted of arcades, the key for developers was to kick the player off the machine as quickly as possible so the next person standing in line could have their change pockets emptied in a matter of minutes, then the next and so on.

In the 90's, arcades were slowly on the way out and home gaming was assuredly the future of the business. There were no queues of eager players with handfuls of quarters, just one player, who had already shelled out their hard earned cash for the product. Thus, the tradition changed, as games got easier and easier in an attempt to get that game finished and on the shelf so that (it was assumed) the player would rush straight out and buy another. It's worse than ever now than it was in the late 90's, with many games story modes lasting sparse hours and some Wii games having the option to PLAY THEMSELVES if you find them to difficult.
The majority (but not all) of gaming today is just about perseverance, you WILL complete the game you attempt if you just bear with it, in our overly-wanting society, we DEMAND the right to finish a game we payed for.

What does all this have to do with this entry? Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts was a game that FUCKED. YOU. UP. It wasn't a case of "Ah, you'll get there" or "Keep trying son" It was a case of "Are you good enough? if not, get lost" You complete Super GnG because you are a good gamer, not because you are just a persistent one.
Essentially a remake of the arcade classic, Super GnG saw the player attempt to control our hero Arthur on a classic quest to save a princess, the gameplay was anything but fairytale though. A huge myriad of creatures and monsters swarmed Arthur at every step and attacked him from all angles. Arthur would lose his armour at the first hit and be killed on the second. Not only that, but a deadly landscape of pits, fires, spikes and other obstacles had to be overcome, often while under a consistent onslaught of enemies. A variety of weapons and power-ups were offered as aid, but even these treasure chests could contain a wizard who would temporarily turn Arthur into a seal, peasant girl or harmless baby. Super Ghouls 'n Babies.

Super GnG required expert timing, pixel perfect jumping, fast reflexes and an iron will, as much death and frustration awaited the less zen (or just crapper) players. It should be pointed out that Super GnG wasn't "unfair" it was just very difficult. On the visual/audio side, Super GnG also has fantastic, colourful graphics and an absolutely awesome music score which really showcased the stereo sound power of Nintendo's new console. Super GnG was the game that sold the console to me.

So the next time you see a gamer whining over the difficulty of the latest third-person adventure game. Give them a helpful face punch, because gamers have never had it so easy, a whole slew of games from the 80's and 90's can attest to that. Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts is one of the absolute leaders of that charge.

And should you defeat Super GnG's "last level", then prepare yourself for a joyful surprise, the battle has only just begun.

22. Final Fantasy VII

2010-02-01T14:12:00.021Z

(Playstation/PC, Square, 1997)
As of this writing, I'm not feeling very good at all. I'm miserable beyond sin and full to bursting with a horrible sense of despair and melancholy. That isn't important to this blog. What is however, is the next game on the list is Final Fantasy VII and in my present state of mind my ability to discuss this game without overwhelming levels of intolerable emo cannot be guaranteed.
Oh, and this, like all my entries, may contain major spoilers.
What can be said about FFVII that hasn't be documented in the thirteen years since it was thrust upon Playstation as one of the absolute must-haves for the console? Nothing. Its all been said before, so all I can do is add my voice to the lifestream and record what this game means to me.

It means "The best videogame ever made"

Final Fantasy VII is a breath-taking masterpiece. An epic RPG telling the story of a young man and an adventure that begins with an act of terrorism and ends with a cataclysmic event that could end life itself. Along the way, Cloud Strife will meet many friends and adversaries and the player will be called upon to use their very best skills to help our heroes reach the destinies awaiting them some fifty or so hours later.
In doing research for this entry I was reminded of the incredible size of the FFVII universe and timeline, with a cast of hundreds and a history spanning back far enough to warrant a prequel (FFVII: Crisis Core) FFVII truly went above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to providing players with a fully inhabited world of colourful and unique individuals with deep backstories given to as many of these characters as possible.

The beautiful, lavish FFVII soundtrack is in the safe hands of the celebrated Nobuo Uematsu, a man of amazing talent who can bring any required emotion he pleases out of his audience. From excitement and fear to reflection and overwhelming sadness, Uematsu's soundtrack reigns as one of the finest VGMs ever created.
I won't spend any time discussing how the game plays, that is documented everywhere else, I'll just say that I hadn't played an RPG in a very long time before FFVII but found the system easy to pick up while still being reasonably deep. The same applies to the combat which is friendly to new players but still has underlying levels of depth and strategy for RPG veterans.

The story is the heart of FFVII and it's one of the most emotional stories written for the medium. Whilst suffering from FF's trademark self-indulgence, it is a deep, complex (occasionally confusing) intelligent and touching series of epic events. FFVII truly drew me in to its world and did what any story-based videogame HAS to do to even warrant my attention: It made me care about the characters as if they were real people.
The death of Aerith Gainsborough was a sudden and brave move by the writers, a move that also broke me. I am completely cool with admitting to the incredible sense of loss and tragedy I felt at the fate of a fictional character. In fact, I'm glad I was so upset by it, it's one of the signs that no matter how long I have played or will continue to play videogames for, there has been no desensitising of my feelings toward good storytelling.

The remake rumour mill has churned for years now, with a new release of the game seeming more likely by the year. I'm not on that bandwagon. To me, re-making FFVII would mean remaking every important game in history. While you're at it, why not remake Resident Evil 2? and Secret of Mana? and Fable? and Metal Gear: Solid? and FFVIII?
No. Leave FFVII in 1997, without speech, without sultry-anime CGI and without Leona Lewis songs. If you truly love this game, you won't want to play it any other way than the way it was originally intended.
I'm aware it is cliched and seemingly taboo to praise FFVII as a masterpiece, I have to feel pity for all those "holier than thou" gamers who take much delight in loudly proclaiming to anyone who will listen about how the game is "overrated" Whilst I believe everyone's argument is valid, some critics are trying way too hard to be cool and different.

This is a game beyond my writing capabilities, so I'll leave it at this:
Final Fantasy VII has a indelible mark in history and in the hearts of many gamers forever, it is undeniably one of the best videogames ever made...

..quite possibly THE best.

23. Lethal Enforcers

2010-01-28T09:03:00.017Z

(Arcade/Various Home, Konami, 1992)
^Check out that girl on the left. BLAM!
Harry Callahan didn't give a shit. A tired, world-weary homicide detective, Dirty Harry, fantastically portrayed by Clint Eastwood, was an awesome anti-hero. Harry dealt with crime his way and had little to no time for paperwork, bureaucracy or his superiors. Just a tall dude in a geography teacher suit packing a Magnum. That's all the rehab San Francisco scum needed.

Konami's Lethal Enforcers arcade was more than a little influenced by Harry's antics (the title screen is lifted directly from the opening of Magnum Force for a start)
Set in Chicago, one or two players take the role of two law officers who are about to be called to a series of incredibly busy crime scenes. Seriously, Jack Bauer would cry if he had to deal with this situation.

Lethal Enforcers is an on-rails shooter that I am officially proclaiming the re-birth of the lightgun game. With digitised graphics, high violence, a selection of weaponry and the "Reload" feature (shooting off-screen) Lethal Enforcers brought the Operation Wolf rail shooter screaming into the 90's.
The players gun through five crime scenes and a shooting gallery, filling anyone who pops up wearing sunglasses with more lead than a pencil factory. The game is backed with wailing guitars and awesomely funny voice samples "You can't kill me, copper!" Yes. Yes I can. As usual, various innocents feel the need to leap into the line of fire and the players must avoid gunning them down with a big blood splat. Other than that, it's anything goes, rapid fire and background destruction is the order of the day. Like Midway's NARC before it, Lethal Enforcers has a wonderfully republican attitude toward crime.

Say no, or die.

Lethal Enforcers is best played today as arcade emulation or the rare Playstation version. The home versions of the day suffered from grainy graphics and in the SNES incarnation, laughable levels of censorship (Going so far as to change "Drug-Dealers" to "Gunrunners" and "Chinatown" to "Downtown" I swear I'm not making this up) Of course, compared to today's double-screen Time Crisis 4 and fifty-inch HDTV House Of The Dead 4, Lethal Enforcers looks rigid and dated, with the digitised sprites and photograph backgrounds looking antique. Don't let that fool you, Lethal Enforcers was an important videogame and Konami kept lightguns alive and blazing when many had long since abandoned the genre.

-"I don't want any trouble like you had last year. Understand? That's my policy."
-"Yeah, well, when an adult-male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard, that's my policy"

24. Kingdom Hearts

2010-01-28T07:51:00.010Z

(PS2, Square, 2002)
The Walt Disney Corporation has a crazy reputation. Filled with urban myths and underground whispers, the long running billion dollar franchise specialising in animated feature films and merchandising has been the subject of various rumour due to its history and controversial founder, Uncle Walt himself.
Whilst the Walt Disney corp. it can be argued, have questionable ethics and a dark history, we cannot lose sight of the fact that they are responsible for some of the finest feature films ever made. This legacy, in my opinion, has been tarnished in recent years, with more of their films appearing to be churned out, souless, stereotypical CGI crap. For me, the Disney dream is over.

The idea of Square creating an RPG which hybrids Final Fantasy with Walt Disney and places the cast in a completely new universe is kinda horrible. I can't really see the characters working together well and the idea of an intelligent RPG with such a twee child-friendly cast seems doomed to failure. But I shouldn't have bet against Square.

Kingdom Hearts is a very good action based role-playing game. The player controls Sora, an idealistic young boy who is pulled from his desert island home with his friends to a mysterious series of planets that are under attack from "The Heartless" dark, shadowy and soulless creatures. Sora chances upon two knights, Donald and Goofy, who are looking for their king (Take a guess) This trio team up to search for their respective friends but will quickly become part of a much bigger plot that affects everyone in the colour-drained universe.
Kingdom Hearts is a hack-n-slash brawler, but features an identical magic and equipment management system to most Final Fantasies, along with all the levelling up, story twists, summons and item synching you'd expect from your average RPG. The game features beautifully realised worlds based on various Disney features and has a classically orchestrated music score. The game also features an all-star voice cast and many of the Disney characters have their original voices.

A huge array of hidden items and side-quests await any player wishing to explore beyond the main storyline. These players will be rewarded in kind with special items, weapons and XP. The game has a intelligent but not confusing storyline which occasionally succumbs to Disney cutsey-ness, but not so much to make me vomit or anything. As Sora and friends "lock" each world from further invasion, I personally got a real feeling of satisfaction, but this is probably more due to my OCD than anything else.
Variety is provided with interchangeable characters, an underwater world and a mini-game filled Winnie the Pooh novel. Each world must first be travelled to via a colourful schmup-style sequence, for me these didn't work and were a dull chore to deal with. Cameos from Final Fantasy characters are nice but its odd to hear some of them actually speak. Aerith is not only alive but sounds, no other way to describe it, mentally ill.

The Kingdom Hearts series has created a universe many have fallen totally in love with. Just enter "Kingdom Hearts" into YouTube or DeviantART to be drowned in fanart/fiction and homemade tributes, music videos and trailers. Clearly for many, Kingdom Hearts isn't a videogame franchise, it's a way of life.

Being an RPG, there are far too many features and quirks to discuss than I can fit in here. Kingdom Hearts was a joy to play through and whilst hardcore RPG fans may balk at the idea of levelling up Goofy to do battle with Sephiroth, the less precious of us (or those who are crapper at RPGs) should find Kingdom Hearts a pleasing, exciting and more than satisfying adventure.

Most importantly, The Incredibles aren't in it.
Sold.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Sadly I must take time out to comment on the fact that Kingdom Hearts II sucks hard. A terrible voice cast, bad script, mismatched worlds, confusing plot and almost complete lack of side quests, tactics and variety make it a button-bashing mess. Apart from its great "Tron" level, it is an insult to the game that came before it. Don't let the superfans fool you, KHII is a pretentious cash-in that loses all the magic and wonder of its predecessor. It's the videogame equivalent of "Aladdin IV: Jafar may need glasses")

25. Another World

2010-01-27T09:34:00.008Z

(Various Home, Eric Chahi, 1991, US Title: Out Of This World)
Another World was the most sarcastic and miserable comic-book and film memorabilia store that ever existed. There, I got that out of the way.
Another World was also the title of an exquisite videogame designed and developed by Eric Chahi, an independent French programmer who singly handled brought the game about from conception to release.

Another World is a cinematic adventure telling the story of Lester Chaykin Knight,a young nuclear physicist who is thrust into a land beyond all comprehension when the particle accelerator he is working with is struck in a lightning storm. After this intro, the game begins and the player is immediately thrust into control, death can follow mere seconds in if the player doesn't hit the ground running. The terrified Lester has no time to take in his surroundings, from the second he materialises, the fight for survival is on.
The journey will take Lester through a stark, minimalist land where everything is a danger and adaptation is the only course of action if Lester is to survive and hopefully find a way back home.

Another World is beautiful. After being inspired by the Amiga's brave attempts at handling Don Bluth's laserdisc games, Chahi conceived a world of characters created out of vectored polygons, allowing for more depth and colour whilst not taking up as much storage space. The land in Another World is a stark and bare, at once enchanting and terrifying, filled with deadly creatures and bizarre inhabitants. Lester is truly out of his depth from minute one and is battling from each scene to the next, completely oblivious to where he is going or why. Lester doesn't have time to figure out how to get home, he's too busy trying to stay alive.

To match the visuals are mysterious sound effects and an atmospheric and cinematic score composed by Jean-Francois Freitas which matches the on-screen action perfectly. With no HUD and no Earth-based dialogue, the player is expected to rely on his wits and an appropriated laser gun to get Lester through his ordeal. While this approach can lead to moments of trial and error, I believe this is warranted as it truly immerses the player in Lester's situation, where he too has no idea what to do next or what his next step should be. Most games have an arrow or map to point the way. Another World just has instinct.

After a very short, but action-packed adventure, the ending arrives, usually a scant hour into play. To complain about the game's length is to miss the point, Another World isn't just like "a videogame" it's more of an experience, a cinematic tale of a man thrust into a horrifying situation and instantly taking steps to escape imminent danger so he can give himself space to get his head together and figure out what is going on.
He never will though, from the moment lightning hits his lab, a battle against the complete unknown is on and for all his knowledge, athleticism and education, Lester is doomed.

Eric Chahi created a masterpiece and he did it almost on his lonesome. Another World is one of those games that shows how vision and talent, properly applied, can combine to create something very special indeed.
Videogames couldn't be more cut and paste now. We need another Another World.

26. Wonder Momo

2010-01-27T08:29:00.008Z

(Arcade/PC Engine/Virtual Console, Namco, 1987)
Did you have to put on stage shows at your school? I'm sure you did, I myself was repeatedly forced to construct, paint and wear the world's flimsiest, cheap-ass costumes in order to pretend I was a thundercloud, Shem from Noah's Ark or a Happy Hungarian Hunter. Once, I played the owner of a marionette show who played a flute to make my puppets dance, the harlequin puppet had a girlfriend and there was some other puppet who wanted her, so he jealously stabbed the harlequin to death. At the end, the harlequin's ghost came back for vengeance.
Indeed, my junior school was dark.

Wonder Momo also puts on stage shows. Momo's shows however have far less fatal stabbings and far more panty-shots than any I starred in. Basically, the player controls Momo as she fights off hordes of creepy looking mutants with a physics defying high-kick. After much brawling, she gains her super-powers and becomes the armour clad "Wonder Momo" which allows her the use of the terrifying "Wonder hoop" to defeat some boss or other nasty creature.

Here's the kicker though: this is all a theatrical play. the action takes place on a small stage (The Namco theatre, no less) with a badly painted backdrop and a sparse audience in the foreground watching the action. Momo entertains with the story of her super-hero battles as she is cheered on by the headband wearing onlookers. In a beautifully perverse twist, When Wonder Momo falls down, you can see her panties, some sweaty-ass guy with a camera runs along the stage constantly and Momo must be careful that this dirty nonce doesn't get a Kodak moment of Momo's momo. Should this happen, Momo becomes incapacitated with embarrasment for a short period.

The game simply plays through the show's various scenes while increasing in difficulty. In between rounds, the curtain drops to reveal various pictures of Momo. For a girl who is shy about getting her photo taken, she doesn't appear to mind having a giant half-naked image of herself emblazoned on stage. Girls have such damn twisted logic.

Wonder Momo is an ok game, it rises above its generic gameplay by having a great concept, cutesy art and voice samples and nice presentation. Momo is a cool character who has since made cameos in various games. Like Time Gal's Reika, Momo is a fun and sassy anime heroine whose failure to get her own game since is mind boggling.
Maybe she's still too traumatised by her paparazzi ruined fifteen minutes of fame.
The paparazzi, they kill princesses and crush the dreams of 80's anime girls.

Anyway, I'm off to the Namco theatre, I've got tickets for Splatterhouse: The Musical.
Jack-6's spoken word show was sold out.

27. Rock Band 2

2010-01-26T12:23:00.010Z

(Xbox360/PS2/PS3/Wii, Harmonix, 2008)
I'm sure you know how rhythm-action games work, so I'm not going to bore you with details of how to play this game. Instead, I'm going to make pithy observations on the concept and legacy of this style of game. Rock Band 2 in particular.

Now, I don't care what you believe, there is NO music experience better than ACTUALLY CREATING SOUND with a REAL instrument. Rhythm-action games make you press buttons in what is essentially a dressed up quicktime event, so that the program plays a sample of someone else playing an instrument. Not only that, but there is no real room for improvisation, just "Play this note at this exact time" There is simply no freedom.
This isn't up for debate, compared to playing a real instrument, rhythm-action games don't even come close.
HOWEVER, this logic could be applied to any game, as a result, pretending to play a guitar is no more ridiculous than pretending to be a footballer in FIFA, a WWE wrestler in Smackdown or a murderer in Modern Warfare. Whilst I'd encourage EVERYONE who enjoys rhythm-action games to at least try an instrument, even if its a frickin' Recorder, I don't think people should be judged with the hoary old "Play a real guitar, loser" cliche.

Rock Band 2 is, in my opinion, the very best of all the rhythm-action games. I'm not talking just in soundtrack, I think it has the best design, presentation, art, character customisation and atmospheric "live gig" venues, crowds and on-stage camaraderie. I think it shits on Guitar Hero in all of the above departments and leaves the Activision trail-blazer looking like The Jonas Brothers to EA's Slayer.
I have spent many hours playing guitar and bass in RB2, with occasional mis-juged forays into vocals (My residential situation prevents me from enjoying the drums, unfortunately) and over the years have gotten very good, but not excellent, at the game.

I have used the character design to create an awesome band of girls who like to gob in your fucking mouth before kicking your mum's face off. I've been playing as Back Drop Driver for so long now they're starting to feel a little too real, almost as if I've watched them build a career, a career miming to other people's songs, but more of a career than my short-lived real life band got, meh..
RB's true glory lies in multiplayer, many hours have been spent bashing along amongst friends with the sound cranked up to eleven. With hours passing by in minutes and chronic back pain and finger cramps, a marathon RB session can leave one feeling truly beaten, especially on the harder songs or higher difficulty level.
The music warrior in me (See entry #64) truly abhors the fact that these games make music so fucking corporate, strict and cliched (Hey kids, buy another shit load of "Punk" songs so you can fight the power on your Sony/Microsoft console in this Activision/EA game) but so little integrity is left in the majority music scene now that this is more a sign of the times than anything else.
The simple fact remains that when it comes to multiplayer experiences for two or more wannabes, euphoric levels of fun can be had whilst simultaneously enjoying some of the finest music to grace the local popular music beat combo hit parade.

Rock Band 2 is the peak of rhythm-action games, I guarantee you it all goes downhill in that genre from here. Guitar Hero have already resorted to crappy compilation packs and desperate grave-raping celebrity appearances. Even the very best rhythm-action gamers are starting to show signs of burnout and boredom and we all know that anything remotely gimmicky in videogames never lasts forever.
So get some friends together and enjoy a few hours of some of the finest team gaming known to man. Also, please consider learning an instrument, because when you play music, I promise you, it's five Gold Stars everytime.

28. Mortal Kombat II

2010-01-26T11:19:00.007Z

(Arcade/Various Home, Midway, 1993)
MORRRRTALLLLL KOMBAAAAAAT!!! (Cue awful techno music)
Mortal Kombat was my favourite fighter as a youngster, I really appreciated the darkness of the first game and all the guitar-wailing ninjas. I'd never even heard of the infamous fatalities until one day at the arcade I watched this guy (playing Scorpion) take his mask off to reveal a skull then proceed to incinerate his opponent. I stood agape:
"How did you do that??"
"Secret."

It was on.

So I became an avid MK player. Fast-forward to the arcade release of Mortal Kombat II, I couldn't have been more excited. I'd already bought every U.S magazine I could (Ah, those pre-information superhighway days) to gather all the info on the game and its exciting new characters and features. I studied the move lists and learnt the various background fatalities. The big day finally came and a glossy MKII cabinet was installed at my local arcade. It was time for weeks of revision to pay off, for this, was my moment of glory.

I got fucking annihilated.

MKII is, for me, the peak of the series, with beautifully animated, digitised models that are much cleaner than the first game and sit better against the imaginative and spooky backgrounds. MKII is alarmingly paced and fights can be over within a matter of seconds for the player who knows his game. A nice selection of well balanced characters with awesomely wacky background stories do battle armed with an arsenal of special moves and a variety of ways to end the fight. Each character was given two "Fatalities", the infant producing "Babality" and the amusing comedy relief "Friendship" move (which was a dig at the super-violent Mortal Kombat reputation garnered at the senate hearings)

The game has very little structure in the way of combos, with most fights boiling down to fast sequences of moves as opposed to an unblockable chain of hits (though these do exist in some form) As such, it could be argued that Mortal Kombat is far less technical than its arch nemesis, Street Fighter. This is true, but I believe that they are two different types of fighter, SF has more of a precise science in learning your character, whereas MK (at this point, at least) seemed more like a straight up, hyper-speed fist-flying, high-kicking battle to the gory death.

MKII also saw the dawn of the series obsession with Easter eggs, hidden characters and moments to get players guessing "What does that mean? Is it a character? a new move? etc" This gave MKII a real "urban legend" feel, with people to this day STILL claiming they've seen people morph into Goro, the sub-boss of the original.
There is also has a hidden mode which simply turns the game into Pong for a bit. Sold.

Mortal Kombat's legacy is a bit iffy. The games have changed a lot over the years, from 2D scrappers to martial arts based 3D fighters, from crappy spin-offs and TV shows to surreal experiments (Though I will add I'm a big fan of the MK vs DC game) Mortal Kombat has become a crazy parody of itself and much of its charm has been lost amongst its many re-launches, comics, cartoons and less than stellar installments. MKII represents a shining light for the franchise and is one of the few games in the series that still holds up to repeated play today. Mortal Kombat II is fast, violent, atmospheric and addictive. It is a definitive classic.

Stand two steps away from your opponent, Hold Block and press Up twice.
It isn't "Secret" anymore. Bitch.

29. Syndicate

2010-01-25T07:32:00.012Z

(Various Home, Bullfrog Productions, 1993)
-- Guest writer: Swabbleflange --
I was once in a syndicate. For a couple of years I was involved in a fiercely competitive scheme, gambling on overwhelming odds for the promise of great personal gain. My dreams of fortune have so far failed to materialize, but I still play the lottery in hope.

Bullfrog however, did hit the jackpot with this 1993 release, coming at a time when the studio was well on its way to the pantheon of videogame development. Having established themselves as a creative force to be reckoned with in the shape of their Populous series, the Guildford team turned their attention to a decidedly more sinister concept. Cyberpunk was still a fertile framework to hang a game on, and throwing the corruption of big business and government into the mix served up a vicious treat for fans of strategic action.

As the founder of an ethically dubious corporation, the player has to literally take over the world territory by territory. Moral bankruptcy being a distant second to its financial brethren, this is achieved by sending genetically and cybernetically-enhanced agents into the field to assassinate, kidnap, terrorise and otherwise eliminate all resistance and opposition. As each territory is captured and controlled it can be taxed to provide funds to further the R&D on the team. Weapons, gadgets, enhanced body parts and performance enhancing drugs are all on the menu for the lucky agents. Overly brutal taxation results in the territory revolting, which basically just means that the player has to redo the mission to capture it.

Playing out in an isometric viewpoint, all this technology is put to great use as the squad makes its way to each objective. Though the missions are mostly concerned with killing specific targets, there is a lot of freedom in the approach. Storming in guns blazing can be as viable as a sniper shot from a distant bridge, and there's a lot of fun to be had in simply causing mayhem and destruction in the cities (something that earned the game a little controversial press - flamethrowers and civilians can be a potent mix). The squad can be split up or moved as a unit, and performance tweaked on the fly - though a careful balance should be maintained to prevent burnout.

I always consider the 16-bit computer era to truly be the golden age of innovation in game concepts. Early enough in the industry's life to provide plenty of unexplored avenues and technologically advanced enough realise the ideas found there. Syndicate is just another example of the hard-to-categorise games that were rife in the UK/European software scene through the 8 and 16-bit years. Though it later received ports to various formats the Amiga version is to me the definitive one, and even if it's a little rough around the edges these days there's no denying it was a true original.

I haven't seriously revisited Syndicate since it first came out, but I conquered the world with the help of my loyal agents Ripley, Hicks, Vasquez and Bishop*, and loved every moment of it. The setting, blend of real-time action and strategy, (literal) team-building and a wicked sense of humour ensured it a solid place in my affections and a perfectly remembered gaming moment.

(*What do you want from me?)

-- Swabbleflange's views toward various games are dependent on random factors ranging from the weather to what colour smoking jacket he is wearing. Further fantastic musings can be found at: http://swabbleflange.blogspot.com/ --

30. Night Trap

2010-01-22T10:16:00.014Z

(SegaCD/32X/3DO/PC, Digital Pictures, 1992)
"Night Trap is one of the worst games of all time."
No, it isn't. What's more, I'm gonna go all out to prove it. Because I love a challenge..

Night Trap was the brainchild of Tom Zito, A journalist and toy manufacturer who decided to explore the idea of emphasising the "video" part of "videogames" after his interactive bear product failed to defeat the vomit-inducing Teddy Ruxpin.
This is a man who lost a fight with Teddy Ruxpin. TEDDY. RUXPIN.
Around 1986, Zito turned to Hasbro with a concept of a console, named Nemo, that ran video footage that could be interacted with in real-time, essentially running on videotapes. Footage was filmed for two games, but the project fell apart and Zito put his films and dreams into cold storage, no-one wanted to find this particular Nemo.

Fast-forward to 1991 and CD technology is now where it's at. Sega's new CD machine is in the works, it's now or never for Zito. Forming Digital Pictures, Zito dusts off his prototypes and takes them to Sega. Sega, eager to show the new machine's FMV capability, welcomes Zito with open arms and set about re-working his two games for their machine. The first is launch game Sewer Shark, the second is Night Trap.

Night Trap plays out entirely in FMV, the player controls a series of CCTV cameras arranged around the household of the Martins, a well-off family whose daughter has been hosting a string of slumber parties from which people haven't returned. As a member of the unfortunately named SCAT (Special/Sega Control Attack Team) The player must essentially spy on the party via the cameras, activating a series of hidden traps to capture anyone or anything that may have intentions of harming the girls attending Sarah Martin's latest soiree. One of the guests is undercover SCAT agent Kelly (played by Diff'rent Strokes favourite video store robbing coke-fiend, Dana Plato) As the story unfolds, events become clear and chaos ensues as the house is overcome with vampiric creatures, "Augers" It is the player's responsibility to trap the Augers, overcome the Martins themselves and save the funky 80's haircut babes.

Night Trap does not play well, running in real-time, the player has to CONSTANTLY change cameras, so as not too miss too many Augers, these opportunities are often seconds apart, meaning no time is allowed to even watch any of the "drama" unfolding in the other rooms, anyone following dialogue will soon find they are missing Augers by the bucketload. Ironically, you can be locked out of using the traps if you DON'T follow the dialogue and miss password clues. Essentially, to play the game properly, the player has to spend less than a second or two cycling through each and every room over and over whilst having a comrade note the time and place of each and every Auger for another playthrough. Ask my girlfriend about that process one day, don't blame me if she goes into the foetal position and starts sobbing.

This linear gameplay and goofy FMV ensures Night Trap makes many "Worst game ever" lists. These people are hugely overreacting, Night Trap does not play well, agreed, but the concept was devised in 1986 and thus was already six years old by its first release. It was also one of the first examples of the "interactive movie" genre and was basically an attempt to try something new and exciting. Night Trap was one of the biggest victims of the Senate hearings on videogame violence in 1993, a ridiculous witchhunt in which Tom Zito and others had to fend of startlingly ill-informed questions and accusations from fear crazed Senators and lobbyists. Zito was attacked throughout these trials as a purveyor of violence, Night Trap was straight up referred to as "Child abuse" Zito was also repeatedly mis-lead and once even informed of a hearing "being cancelled" when they actually went ahead with it anyway.

But I'm getting off-topic and running out of space. In my pithy attempt to summarise, Night Trap is a game that really doesn't play very well. It's linear, cheesy and is designed in such a way that its big selling point (real video) cannot be enjoyed lest you get Game Over. But one of the worst games ever? At the time it was different, innovative and intriguing in concept. Night Trap is a snapshot of a crazy, experimental period of videogaming, it sold a lot of copies (and consoles) and its release led to a man standing before congress and fighting for ALL of our rights as gamers.
If loving those aspects of Night Trap is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

If you think Night Trap is a bad game, then fair enough. If you truly think it's the worst game ever, you better get out there and play more games, because buddy, you haven't even scratched the surface.

31. WCW/nWo Revenge

2010-01-22T09:14:00.009Z

(Nintendo64, AKI Corp./Asmik Ace, 1998)
Don't ask me to explain the why's, what's and wherefore's of professional wrestling. A huge part of my life revolves around the pseudo-sport of pretend fighting. Not as a ticket buying fan, but as a student of the game, a backstage producer and, on occasion, a worker myself. All this happens whilst I simultaneously have grown tired of defending "Sports-entertainment" from its many naysayers and haters, especially when the product I see on television gets shallow, less logical, badly written and more exploitative by the week.
That's all a debate for another time, maybe another countdown. You see, I used to truly love pro-wrestling, now all my heroes are dead and I'm not sure if I do anymore.

For now, let us visit a place where pro-wrestling is always fun, exciting, enjoyable and never loses its essence, that place is on the Nintendo 64.
WCW/nWo Revenge is the second in a series of wrestlers developed for the N64 by the Japan based AKI corporation. Released in 1998, the game sees WCW at the very peak of it's power, a year or so before its tragic downswing which saw mismanagement run the hyper-profitable organisation into the ground and bought for next to nothing by Vince McMahon, owner of the rival (then) WWF promotion.

As it reflects the company's peak period, the game features a very impressive roster that reads as a who's who of pro-wrestling. From twilight career legends such as Hogan, Randy Savage, Bret Hart, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and franchise players such as Sting and Diamond Dallas Page, to pioneering cruiserweights like Eddie Guerreo, Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio Jr, theres even a bunch of fictional wrestlers (which are all re-skinned versions of Japan's finest, such as Kenta Kobashi and Mitsuharu Misawa) Truly, there is a recognisable face for everybody who picks this game up.

Running on a 3D polygon based engine, The game controls beautifully, whilst maintaining a "easy to learn, hard to master" striking, grappling and reversal/defence system. Each wrestler has a huge selection of their own moves, plus a finisher that is activated by building momentum throughout the match. It was one of the first instances of a mainstream western wrestling game truly feeling like a simulation, with the ability to create matches that have a natural flow, removing any "health" meters encourages events that could turn on a button, so that the guy on the losing end would never give up hope that he can still turn the momentum into his favour.

The game has nice graphics which, despite their dated appearance today, still animate nicely and have a real conviction of "weight" to them (one of many wrestling games biggest flaws to this day is that guys will often throw each other around like they're weightless, Smackdown Vs Raw being the best example of this) The music is your typical horrid N64 music but we always used to mute these games and run them with Power Metal playing in the background anyway. By today's standards the game has very few options and modes, but this can be forgiven as real N64 wrestling gamers know that the only REAL matches worth playing are one-on-one or four player rumbles.

The licence would eventually go to the WWF and AKI would produce two games for them which added many more matches, moves and features, but purely as a snapshot of WCW's finest hour, as well as the stupendous roster of all and sundry, Revenge can't be beat. Over ten years later, I still have a group of friends who, should we get together, ALWAYS fire up the N64 and run the gamut of AKI wrestling games, we NEVER tire of them.
Many people believe these games are, and always will be, the best pro-wrestling games ever created.

They just might be right.

32. Chase H.Q.

2010-01-21T08:11:00.007Z

(Arcade/Various Home, Taito, 1988)
What's your dream job?
There's an abundance of vocations I'd like to have, but more than anything else, I wish I had the balls to make a difference. Last night, I was awoken at 3a.m by a loud commotion. Looking out the window, I see some Police cars, a fire engine and an ambulance. In the middle of the road, a man lies handcuffed surrounded by about five officers, two of which are packing heat. Two more officers then smash the crap out of the front door of the house opposite mine before pulling out a second guy. After all the shouting, banging, sirens and alarms are done, the street is silent again. I've missed out on an hour's sleep, but another prick is behind bars, for now anyway. There is still forensics van parked outside.

Real life crimestopping is incredibly hard. With so much red-tape, i's to dot and t's to cross, keeping the streets safe is a demanding and dangerous role that appears to get more bureaucratic by the day. I don't know how they do it.

But if real-life was like videogames, without a shadow of doubt my CV would be winging it's way to the fine people at Chase Headquarters.
Chase H.Q. has the player assume the roles of Lethal Weapon wannabes Tony Gibson and Raymond Brody as the speed down America's highways in their sexy black Porsche 928. Their job is tracking down fleeing criminals, who are attempting to cross the border and get away scot-free from their nefarious deeds, ranging from murder and drug-dealing to kidnapping and espionage. The player is given sixty seconds to catch up to the perpetrator at which point our heroes hit the siren, the theme music kicks in and the player has sixty more seconds to ram the offending vehicle off the road. The Porsche is equipped with three "Turbos" for a sudden burst of ridiculous speed and guidance on time and direction is available from the overhead helicopter and the gorgeous Nancy, who is operating from the offices.

Chase H.Q. is an absolute blast. The cabinet is super stylised with cool controls and great retro-chic art. The game itself is superbly late 80's, with it's Reagan-esque approach to crime, action movie music and Miami Vice style cops, all pastel coloured jackets, wisecracks and high hairstyles. The graphics are crisp and the roads speed by at an alarming rate, requiring quick reflexes and a steady hand on the wheel. More so than anything, Chase H.Q. is simply hugely satisfying to play. The seconds tick by and the adrenaline keeps flowing, then once the siren starts blaring, it's time to take things up a gear. Literally.

Chase H.Q. is another game that is crying out for a new release. With frame-rates and audio/visuals the way they are today, A modern day home version, done correctly, would be mana from heaven for me.
I'm not a big fan of driving games, they're just not really my thing. The ones I do like usually have some kind of kick to them, rather than just being racers.
Chase H.Q. is a driving game where piece of shit scumbags get busted.
That's all the kick I'll ever need.

Let's Go Mr. Driver...

33. Shadowrun

2010-01-20T15:21:00.008Z

(SNES, Beam Software, 1993)
It's 1993, I'm still at school and I'm broke, I visit Another World, a local shop that sells pre-owned games, I can only afford to trade in one game and a small amount of money I have. This will be my last game in a while, I better make it a good one, one I'm aware of, in a genre I adore and part of a franchise I'm a fan of.

Sod it, I'm gonna get this RPG I know nothing about and have no previous reference to.

It could of been a tragedy, but the gods of gaming were smiling down on me that day.
Shadowrun is an isometric RPG set in a dystopian cyberpunk future where firearms, technology and magic have combined to create a dangerous and hostile exsistence beneath the corporate skyscrapers that litter the skylines of Seattle. Based on a classic pen and paper RPG, Shadowrun tells the story of Jake Armitage. Gunned down in the streets, Jake awakens on the mortician's slab. Jake is alive, but why? and who wanted him dead in the first place?

These questions and many more await players lucky enough to play through this marvellous but difficult game which combines action-adventure with deep RPG storytelling and inventory management. Jake makes his way through a dirty, grimy underworld where many want him dead and every building is a potential ambush. Fortunatly, Jake is able to arm and protect himself and even hire protection to follow him through the mean streets and subways of Seattle. As the story unfolds, corrupt politics, evil corporations and the art of cyber-jacking will all come into play before Armitage finally faces the truth about himself and his destiny.

Shadowrun is a dark game, with sleazy characters populating an unloving environment. The graphics of the humble SNES convey the locations incredibly well and the game is backed with fantastic, atmospheric music (One of my favourite SNES soundtracks) A keyword based dialogue system allows Jake to learn words that will open doors for him once dropped into conversation with other characters. Usually these doors will lead to certain doom, as Jake can't tie his laces without somebody taking a pot shot at him.
I very much made the right choice that day many years ago, as Shadowrun not only kept me playing long after I could afford another game, but it was good enough to secure a place as one of my favourite games of all time. Further attempts to revisit the franchise have been made and have assuredly failed, but I'm convinced it's only a matter a time. One day the right formula and the right studio will get together and Shadowrun will return with a game worthy of its SNES predecessor.

Hang with the drekheads, but don't go unarmed. Life in Shadowrun is absolute murder.

34. Garou: Mark Of The Wolves

2010-01-20T08:32:00.006Z

(Arcade/NeoGeo/Dreamcast/Xbox360, SNK, 1999)
Garou: Mark Of The Wolves is the evolution of fighting games to an art form.
The ninth (and possibly final) episode in SNK's Fatal Fury series, Garou takes everything that was good about those games and ramps it up tenfold, whilst eliminating the aspects that had become dated or redundant (such as plain shifting)

Set ten years after the previous incarnation, Garou follows the story of Terry Bogard, who has raised Rock, the son of his deceased arch rival Geese Howard, as if he were his own. Southtown has become a safer place to live, but that all changes when then aristocratic brother-in-law of Geese, Kain Heinlen, opens a new fighting tournament as a roundabout way to become the new crime lord of the city.
Upon hearing of the tournament, a variety of fresh new faces sign up, all with their own reasons for entering, be it intrigue, money or good old fashioned revenge.

Garou is a beautiful game, with gorgeous, wonderfully animated sprites and detailed, intricate backgrounds, it's in game graphics, cut-scenes, special effects and fight intros pushed the Neo-Geo console to its absolute limit and proved that there was still life in the old dog yet. There are a great array of characters that are fine-tuned to perfection, ensuring that Garou is one of the most balanced fighters ever released. A deep fighting engine, known as the T.O.P system, allows the player to decide when and where he is able to perform one of his special moves, choosing to unleash it to get an early advantage, or save it until things are looking grim. These special moves are two-tier, with the strong "S-Move" evolving into the powerful "P-Move" If in T.O.P status, then an incredible T.O.P move can be unleashed, resulting in much whiz-bang flashes and chaotic background effects.

Garou is a fighter's fighter, a game that insists on you learning each and every attack at your character's disposal. Fighting gamers who like to rely on special moves or fireball spamming need not apply, as Garou's basic strike system is designed to be far more effective and devastating, when used correctly. Anyone expecting crouch and HK to result in a legsweep for every character will be sadly disappointed. Garou is a game which rewards players who take it seriously and learn it's intricacies.

Cleary, I'm a Garou fan, after playing on home MVS for many years, I'm also now able to play on 360 (though online competition is sadly hard to find, especially considering the huge lag issues) I'm not great at Garou, only competent, but I keep coming back again and again, no matter how much my ass is handed to me. This is simply because Garou is a joy to play and humbling in its class and style. Garou could be considered the SNK answer to the awesome SF Third Strike, which was released the same year, but in my opinion, Garou has better designed characters and is simply more fun to play (Don't bother complaining fanboys, It's my opinion and I'm not interested in arguing)

Whilst Garou: Mark Of The Wolves isn't my favourite SNK fighter, it's more than likely their very best game and will be played by its fans for years and years to come.
Garou: Mark Of The Wolves rises above most games in the fighting genre, maybe any genre, as an example of what can result from nothing more than a great idea and an absolute commitment to excellence.

"Bootifull Victollllly!"

35. Mutant Fighter

2010-01-19T10:17:00.010Z

(Arcade, Data East, 1991, AKA: Death Brade)
A real oddity here, you have to dig deep for this gem of poo.
Mutant Fighter is a one on one arena fighter from the dawn of the 90's. One or two players pick a warrior from a list of eight mythical creatures and go into battle, either against each other or in co-op, in order to win control of the entire kingdom.
The characters have no names and are instead referred to by race. Such as Werewolf, Minotaur, Dragon, Amazoness and erm.. "Fighter" and "Hercules"
Hercules and Fighter are apparently races.
You know, when I think of mythical beasts of legend battling to the death, two things spring to mind: Pro-wrestling moves and SLAP BASS!!~~

Mutant Fighter is essentially a wrestling game, super clunky characters dawdle about the trap-filled battlegrounds, their strikes constantly ghosting until they lock up in a grapple, after some hard button bashing, one of the two fighters launches into a vertical suplex, piledriver, neckbreaker or whatever. Until you've seen a blonde werewolf hitting a frankensteiner on a five headed snake, you haven't lived.
All this is backed by wacky music, with some of the most dated synth drumming ever committed to the planet. When a fighter finally falls, his carcass his carried off by this little monk dude and his portrait is hilariously replaced by a skull with a bloody sword sticking in it and the word "DEAD" splashed across it.
Seriously, It's like it was designed by a fourteen year old.

The main issue with Mutant Fighter is its insane level of difficulty. The fights begin with some awesomely useful Engrish tips, such as "Danger when he dashes, or is apart." Thanks, now I truly have the upper hand. A true credit eater, Mutant Fighter's controls and attacks are so clunky and useless that grappling is the order of the day. The only problem is, the CPU is really stingy on the grapples and no matter how hard you mash, it will, in most cases, only allow you one move to its three. You also have a "Super Throw" which the computer will allow you to do, but generally only AFTER it has performed its own.
You will get the crap kicked out of you as you play Mutant Fighter. It appears to be part of the programming. At least it sounds ace while doing it, the fighter's even shout hilarious quotes to each other like "I will mash you!" and "Feel the authority of my horn!" (I'm saving that one for my next real-life fight)

People like to argue about which is the most "Hardcore" fighter. Let me tell you something, I played Mutant Fighter whilst on holiday in 1992, I took on a series of opponents who then watched as I battled the computer, hammering the controls in a desperate attempt to make them work for me and my Golem guy. This kid watching suddenly goes "Oh..crap." I look down and the control panel is splashed in blood. In my SUPER THROW~ induced craziness, I had sliced my finger open on the base of the joystick and been playing for the last five minutes with blood pouring down the cabinet.

I know Hardcore. Hardcore is blood and slap bass.

36. K.C. Munchkin!

2010-01-19T08:30:00.007Z

(Odyssey/Videopac, Ed Averett, 1981)
Look at this game's title. k.c. munchkin... K.C. MUNCHKIN!!
Surely you're sold already? but if not, here's some more info. Way back when, Pac-Man ruled the videogame roost but had yet to be ported to home consoles. Back then there was very little in the way of copyright law in the wacky world of gaming and many arcade classics were shamelessly ripped off by small companies and rush released to the various home consoles of the time. K.C. Munchkin! changed all that.

Munchkin was a Pac-Man clone with a few cool differences and even a maze editor. Atari had the rights to produce the first home version of "Pac-Man" itself, so when they saw a game so incredibly similar to what they thought was going to be their cash cow, they sued the pants of Phillips and the furry Pac-Man wannabe found himself in the dock, like a common smack dealer. It took several months and two judges, but Atari won out and production was stopped on poor old K.C (though in the meantime, the game had made a lot of money and been quite popular amongst those eager for home Pac-Man thrills)

The awesome irony lay in the fact that when Atari finally got their Pac-Man unleashed on the home market, the game SUCKED BALLS. A terrible port of the arcade, full of graphical glitches and bearing very little resemblance to the original. Atari's Pac-Man sold on name alone and in that amusing twist that you only get with gaming, most of the unlicensed clones, Munchkin included, were far more playable and interesting games (and had far more terrifying covers)

So K.C. Munchkin! is the little sprite that couldn't, but Munchkin is a game that set a legal precedence in what was acceptable when creating a program that was similar to an already successful franchise. Whilst this rip-off tradition happens to this day, especially with Nintendo DS shovelware, the difference is that those games usually pale in comparison to the original, whereas K.C. Munchkin! was superior to the home version of the game it ripped off. FAR superior.

Have you played Atari today?
If it's Pac-Man, then fuck no.

37. Knightmare: The Computer Game

2010-01-18T11:27:00.016Z

(Various Home, MD Software, 1987)
"Where am I?"
Knightmare, the TV series, was Bad.Ass. Broadcasting from 1987, Tim Child created the children's gameshow which was inspired by the Spectrum classic Atic Atac, no less. The show featured contestants super-imposed against a computer drawn series of dungeons, facing monsters, riddles, puzzles and physical tests in order to conquer the deadly kingdom. Blinded by a helmet, the player had to be guided by three arguing friends and the dungeon master, Treguard, a dark but likeable man with a twisted sense of humor.
At it's peak, it was the best children's show on television, maybe just the best show on ALL television. As with everything, it got watered down as it went into the 90's, becoming a Scrappy-Doo bastardized version of it's season 1-3 peak. Knightmare is a staple of my youth. Though dated now, it was children's TV at it's finest, the kind of show that children today are missing badly amongst their tacky faux-anime cartoons and pint-sized reality show shit.

I was over the moon when a videogame of the show was announced, I came crashing back to Earth when I played it. Knightmare: The Computer Game is a dull and tedious psuedo-RPG. The player controls an avatar in the famous helmet and walks through endless identical rooms, using a text based menu system to perform such deadly tasks as opening doors and picking up rocks.
Very few of the characters, enemies or traps from the show feature in the game, it's just room after room of brick walls and doors, with the occasional guard thrown in.
There are some nice riddle rooms, but no real logic to the items, combat or spells. Other than a nice rendition of the theme tune, some ports of the game play in total silence, there is also a lack of colour and incredibly repetitive graphics.

The issue here is that Knightmare was incredibly cutting edge, using some expensive computer technology, interesting concepts, D&D style characters and of course, was held together by human beings, would could improvise, help or simply yell "cut" if needs be. Ironically, for a TV show that looked and played like a computer game, Knightmare was almost impossible to MAKE into a computer game, taking out the human element and the guiding eyes of the players friends took a lot of the danger and difficulty out of the concept (and believe me, it was a VERY difficult show, with a very small contestant to winner ratio)
The Knightmare game is simply a dull and boring adventure game with little charisma, scares or intrigue. It isn't the fault of the developers, they just jumped on a concept that on paper was custom designed for videogames, but in reality could never have worked. A different Knightmare game was released in 1991 for Amiga and Atari ST, this game was a straight RPG with very little elements of the show at all.
Knightmare is a shining beacon of glory in the annals of children's television, full of excitement, danger and hilarious epic fail, but Knightmare: The Computer Game? Well, to quote the great Treguard himself...

"Oooooh Naaaasty..."

(Visit Knightmare.com for encyclopedic reference on this classic TV show)

38. Street Fighter IV

2010-01-18T08:28:00.006Z

(Arcade/PS3/Xbox360/PC, Capcom, 2008)
When it comes to the bare-bones concept of two people facing each other and locking horns in a battle of martial arts and mystical powers, one name stands out amongst all others. Street Fighter.
Since it's incarnation in 1987, The Street Fighter franchise has had many incarnations, spin-offs, compilations and remediations. Whatever your preference in the fighting genre, there is no denying that, in name at the least. Street Fighter is the king of the one-on-one fighters.
I also want to take this moment to say that the Street Fighter movie was AWESOME, anyone who gets angry about it was missing the point entirely, as it's FAR less embarrasing than any video game movie that takes itself seriously.

2008 saw the arcade release of Street Fighter IV. Returning the series to it's basic, tried and tested roots, SFIV removed some of the more elitist elements that the series had in the last few installments and went all out to attract a major, mainstream audience. Whilst for many, myself included, the SF series had become a hardcore, intelligent and deep fighting series, Capcom were looking to rejuvenate the spark that brought people flocking to the earlier smash hit Street Fighter II Turbo.
SFIV is an incredibly straightforward, no questions asked, one-on-one fighter. An array of classic SF characters team up with four new entrants in a return to the glory days of SNES Vs. battles.

With a much simpler system and a diversion from the parries, custom combos and other features that made Third Strike and friends tournament mainstays, SFIV is a game that people who have never played a fighter in years can pick up and start to learn very quickly, whilst still having a nice technical edge to keep the faithful somewhat satisfied.
SFIV has a great selection of characters and well designed backgrounds that really have life in them. The game has some cool music and solid sound effects. The graphics are crisp, colourful and clean, but some of the models are hideous, Ryu is now the whitest, most American man youve ever seen and Blanka is presented purely as a comedy character. The battles flow as smooth as silk regardless of the skill of the players involved. SFIV has a magic touch that makes it accessible, playable and exciting to gamers of all abilities, marking a return to the series just being "fun" above all else.

The home versions were incredible, with a huge selection of extra features and modes, a reliable online system and, above all, a whopping selection of extra characters, including three of my favourite cuties, Rose, Cammy and Sakura. The home versions feature some brutal, story based, anime cut scenes. These look as bad as the very worst Saturday morning Americanised anime and are ear-rapingly bad in their English dub. These scenes take away from the high standards Capcom committed to the rest of the game.

There are very few issues, the aforementioned cut scenes and a cheap, un-original and uninteresting boss are the only black marks on Street Fighter IV, Well, in the game itself anyway, on the human side of things, many players online are big time whiners and a few months after the game's release many were complaining that they hated the game because they "weren't winning" which was both hilarious and depressing.
Whilst I'm a hardcore fighting games fan and find much integrity in installments such as Third Strike and the Alpha series, with IV I have been able to rediscover the pleasure of playing an enormous range of human opponents and hooking up with friends for entire afternoons of rematches. Street Fighter IV may not be the deepest or most technical of fighting games, but it's one of the easiest for all to pick up and as a result, one of the most fun.
The updated Super Street Fighter IV is on the horizon, promising a new selection of backgrounds, tunes, bonus stages, online modes and another huge chunk of characters. The good times are set to keep rolling.

Street Fighter is back. Indeed, it's indestructible.

39. Mirror's Edge

2010-01-14T14:46:00.007Z

(Xbox360/PS3/PC, Digital Illusions, 2008)
I don't have a head for heights. Inside a building, it isn't a problem, but out in the open, I get an incredible urge to jump from high places and a horrible weakness of the knees. Standing on a footstool and looking up and down does very little for me, if I catch the view out of a window, my eyes tend to do a dolly reverse (Accomplished by moving my eyes backward whilst simultaneously zooming in....or something)

Faith Connors however, suffers no such trauma, if she did, she would be on the unemployment line. Faith is a "Runner" a maverick courier whose job is to deliver packages to their destinations away from the prying eyes of her city's totalitarian leaders. In a world where constant observation has eliminated crime. All communication is monitored, Faith and her friends are here to ensure that your private business stays that way. High above the prying eyes, The runners travel from building to building. at the peak of physical perfection, they are fast, agile and fearless. When Faith's sister Kate is framed for the murder of an eminent politician. Faith must use all her skills and more to save her sister's reputation and maybe her own life.

Played in first-person, Mirror's Edge attempts to accurately capture the feelings of speed, disorientation, balance and adrenaline felt by the world's finest Parkour artists. The player controls Faith as she makes her way through various zones of the picturesque city, avoiding the various government hit-squads chasing her and, of course, doing her best not to become a sticky mess on the streets way down below.
It is like no other game, it strongly encourages the player to avoid combat (though high-flying melee attacks are available) and concentrate on moving through the scenery with grace and fluidity, using all the acrobatic moves at Faith's disposal to make the journey fast, but as smooth as possible.

The graphics are basic but this is presumably to keep the speed up, the city is brilliantly portrayed as being crystal clear and squeaky clean, whilst still conveying the dark "1984"-esque overtones of its totalitarian government. The game has no HUD in an attempt to truly allow the player to immerse in their surroundings. The music is beautifully composed and conveys both the calmness and isolation of the silent rooftops along with the pulse pounding action of running from gunfire some seventy stories above the ground. Once the player has mastered the controls, getting Faith from A to B can be a thing of beauty as she runs, jumps, slides, rolls and vaults her way to her destination without missing a beat.

Mirror's Edge isn't for everyone, the gameplay doesn't vary much and many players may get bored partway through. A first-person game without an emphasis on shooting may even terrify some players (I earned an achievement for finishing the game without ever firing a gun. A proud moment in my gaming lifetime) the game also has frantic camera-bob and much spinning and rolling, so it's really not for the motion sick.

I thought Mirror's Edge was artistic, stylish and sublime and have played it through several times. Special mention should be given to the character of Faith Connors, a down-to-earth, attractive, capable, brave, strong and intelligent protagonist.
Mirror's Edge did badly in the sales, pushed aside by the more obvious first-person experiences. The really sad part was Mirror's Edge lack of success conveys to developers that originality is a no-go area and guarantees us crappy cut-and-paste shooters for many more years.
Fortunately, it appears Mirror's Edge will be getting a sequel, so the people who did enjoy it have reason to celebrate.

Please take the leap of Faith, because if you make it, it'll be poetry in motion.

40. Time Gal

2010-01-13T10:39:00.008Z

(Arcade/Various Home, Taito, 1985)
As of this writing it's the very beginning of the year 2010. Now, to me, 2010 sounds pretty much like it's "The Future" (Although SNK always assured me that the future "is now") but as I look around I see that, sadly, old movies and 1940's Bugs Bunny cartoons were lying all along, I have no hoverboard, no laser-gun, no spaceship car and The Running Man isn't a legitimate gameshow (Yet) What I'm missing most of all though, is super hot anime girls time travelling in ridiculously small costumes. For that, I still have a couple thousand years wait left, until then, 1985 will have to suffice.

Time Gal is the second Laserdisc game to enter the 100 list. I explained at length in my Dragon's Lair entry what LD games mean to me and why, so I'm not going to fight for their existence here. You know how the game works, video plays out and you react to the linear controls with split second timing in order to prevent our heroine from a grisly demise. In Time Gal, the player controls Reika, who appears to be some kind of law enforcement official in the year 4001. The game begins with the evil, beardy, Luda stealing a time-travelling device capsule and laughing like only a badguy can as he disappears into the fabric of time to wreak havoc.
Reika is hot on the case, using a small gem in her smaller costume, she travels through various time periods taking on every single deadly situation known (and not yet known) to man. Armed with a laser pistol and the ability to briefly pause the action "TIME STOPPU!" Reika must track down Luda and stop him before any paradoxial damage can be done. Reika is Sarah Conner and Luda is Miles Bennet Dyson.

Time Gal is one of my favourite Laserdisc games, with classic old-school anime art and a wide range of action packed scenes that take much pleasure in re-writing events that may or may not have happened. For example, did you know the world was full of ghosts in the year 666A.D? or that Godzilla roamed the earth in the year 70000000B.C? Time Gal can certainly teach you a lot about history you didn't know. The game also correctly predicts the Gulf war by having the 1990 level take place on a tank filled desert battlefield. Taito and their wacky crystal ball. If I was in charge, Time Gal would be a part of the education curriculum.
I love Time Gal, the game and the girl herself, Reika is a beautiful and lovable heroine, her blantantly sexist design counter-balanced with her skilfull abilities and quick wits. Time Gal, being a Laserdisc game, suffers all the perils and pitfalls that come along with that genre, linear non-gameplay, lack of control and much trial and error.
But if you've been reading this far into my project, you'll know that I'm beyond caring about those issues in a game like this. Time Gal has great art, nice tunes and a real eighties feel to it, more so than any other LD game I've played (and believe me, I've played them all) For anyone wishing to try it out, I strongly recommend the rare Playstation version for glorious video and some nice dip-switch options.

If girls in the future are as cool as Reika, Y'know what? You can shove your hoverboard, Marty.

41. Last Ninja 2

2010-01-12T19:14:00.006Z

(Various Home, System 3, 1988)
Ninjas are back in the 100 Videogames list, in fact they're "Back With A Vengeance" (It says so right here on the poster.) Armakuni is no Mystic Warriors pink and green ninja though, Armakuni is the LAST ninja, clad head to toe in black, trained to mental and physical perfection, as fast as a cheetah, as deadly as a shark and as quiet as a snake. Armakuni is the most dangerous man on earth.

Just don't ask him to jump over a lake. PLEASE DON'T.

Last Ninja 2 was released at the end of the 80's for a variety of home formats. An isometric 3D adventure, Last Ninja 2 sees Armakuni, the last of an assassinated ninja clan, flung from ancient Japan into 1980's New York by the evil Shougun Kunitoki. Given no time to become accustomed to his frightening surroundings, Armakuni must rely on his training and mastery of the martial arts to track down his sworn enemy and end their rivalry.

Last Ninja 2 is an incredibly sophisticated game, with artistic graphics, fantastic dark music, well designed levels and an intuitive combat system. The various scenes in and around New York are nicely created and feature a wealth of puzzles to solve and brutal fights to overcome, be it by fist, staff or nunchunk. Armakuni must negotiate his new world and it's many obstacles and does so with the true spirit of a golden ninja warrior. Upon facing Kunitoki, a battle to the death will decide on Armakuni's fate once and for all (Well, until Last Ninja 3)
Last Ninja 2 is a well drawn, well composed and generally sound product, the real problem here isn't with Ninjas, or Shoguns, or New York...

..It's with lakes.

You see, Last Ninja 2 suffers from unbearable depth perception problems, which makes jumping an incredible chore. Despite being a finely honed ninja master, Armakuni seems unable to leap accurately or stick his landing. At the end of the first level (Central Park) Armakuni has to leap onto a moving boat then off again to cross a lake. Whilst the problem varies depending on the format played, this sequence is an absolute nightmare and is infamous in the retro-gaming community, having cost many frustrated players many lives.
Once the lakes are crossed, the player will not have to suffer a similar sequence until a much later level, but after the loss of a life or two, the damage may already have been done.

Last Ninja 2 has artistic graphics and an awesome music score, It has a nice range of weapons and some intriguing levels and puzzles. The C64 port is arguably the finest version and the one I'd recommend to anyone wishing to try it for the first time.
Those jumps can be so frustrating though, that many may never have the forgiving nature to commit to experiencing the full beauty of the game.

42. Do! Run Run

2010-01-11T16:02:00.011Z

(Arcade/MSX, Universal, 1984)
The cherry-loving clown is the star of a series of arcade classics which in one way or another "borrow" liberally from other arcade classics, the fourth game of the series steals ideas from Qix, Pac-man, Congo Bongo, Mappy and the original game of the series, which in turn, stole from Dig-Dug. Even the game's title is stolen from a song.

Just one thing though. Mr Do! doesn't give a shit what you think.

The most punk rock of all the early video game heroes, Mr Do! spends his time in Do! Run Run running full pelt over a multi-tiered board, collecting Pac-Man's dots and drawing boxes around them with Qix's line in order to turn them into Super Pac's fruit products, he must do all this whilst avoiding Dig-Dug's dragons.
An incredibly frantic, fast-paced and frankly confusing game, Do! Run Run sees the player either gather the dots or take the time to draw a box around them in order to turn them into various high-scoring fruits. Chased by several monsters, Mr Do! can either throw a ball at his enemies or crush them under rolling logs. A board is cleared once all the dots/fruit are collected or all the monsters are killed. After a set period of time, the monsters change design and speed up. On top of all this, collecting letters makes MORE monsters appear which Mr Do! must defeat to collect MORE letters to earn an extra life.

Mr Do! loves to plagiarise, but he does it with such style and fashion that you can't help but love the little bastard, this disregard for copyright law, coupled with his ability to create some of the surrealist arcade classics ever, make Mr Do!, in my eyes, one of the damn coolest characters to exist in videogames. Do! Run Run is so rebel yell it even has a hidden diamond which gives the player a free credit. Take that Mappy you police-mouse prick.

Finally, the game has awesome music, with the game's first board wailing out one of my favourite pieces of frantic VGM ever. To summarise, Mr. Do! is so hardcore he got his own Neo-Geo game, he is a clown who eats cherries, owns a castle, crushes Dragons and has an exclamation mark in his name. Rumours persist that if you fail to leave cherries outside the Taito offices, he turns up in your bed at night....

...With a knife.

I love Mr Do!, My girlfriend CALLS ME "MR. DO!"
When a girl pet names you after a small pixellated ball throwing clown from 1984, it doesn't get any better than that, my friends.

43. Metal Gear Solid

2010-01-11T13:18:00.009Z

(Playstation/PS3/PC, Konami, 1998)
Do you think love can bloom, even on a battlefield?
It's an incredibly emo question, but we're dealing with an incredibly emo game.
Hideo Kojima's Metal Gear Solid hit the Playstation running during the classic gaming year of 1998 and immediately blew everything else out of the water. Resurrecting a long dead franchise and simultaneously defining a whole new genre, MGS managed in one fell swoop to go one better than most games previous to it and become the blueprint for many, many games to follow afterwards. It was as if MGS arrived and arrogantly stated to all other developers "This is how action gaming should be done and how you are going to do it from now on"

Assuming you are a gamer yourself, you know what Metal Gear Solid is about, with its espionage based, "Trust no one" plot and its tactical stealth gaming, but over ten years later, it's easy to forget how inventive the game was back in '98. MGS re-wrote the book on many things in videogames, story-telling for example. For those who weren't RPG savvy, the idea of having videogame characters with REAL emotions, lives and backgrounds was shockingly cutting edge. MGS broke rules by encouraging players to stay AWAY from gunfights and to look for quieter, less violent routes. It dared have long cut-scenes and the controversial Codec screens which at the time seemed to go on forever (but are borderline subliminal compared to the series' current standards) These are all examples of features many games have today and we should be reminded of where their influence lies.

MGS has superb controls and a smart inventory system which keeps the game flowing smoothly even during frantic action scenes or the epic boss battles that feature from time to time. Special attention must be paid to the game's attitude toward music, voice acting and writing which, despite the debate as to whether a game should "be like a movie" or not, provide an engaging atmosphere, with great effects and instantly memorable music. Hum a tune from MGS right now, I bet you can. I bet it's the "Guards on alert" theme.
An essay could be written on the narrative itself. The script manages to be deep, intelligent and enthralling whilst simultaneously being over-wrought to the point of cringe-worthy. The beauty of the Metal Gear storyline lies in it's pro's and its con's though, as to have a storyline that wasn't brain-meltingly complex and a script that wasn't eye-rollingly emo wouldn't be Metal Gear. Don't get me wrong, I find the MGS writing immersive and emotional in many places, the aftermath of the Sniper Wolf battle for example, but some exchanges between characters are so "Get over yourself" that they reach a level of groan inducing.

It appears Hideo Kojima's series is set for further incarnations, including games in different genres and expeditions into the backstories of other characters. The Metal Gear franchise was revived twelve years ago and goes from strength to strength. There's a good chance however, that no game will match the initial "Wow" factor that MGS had.

Once again, here's a game that deserves way more justice than I can hope to give it here. Metal Gear Solid is an unmissable experience that should played by anyone who has an interest in picking up a controller. It's violence, tragedy, action, excitement, music and almost zen-like sensibilities make MGS an opera in videogame form. It's one of the finest works to grace our humble hobby, as while many games can entertain, very few have heart and soul.

Do I think love can bloom, even on a battlefield?
Yeah, I do.

44. Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode

2010-01-08T09:04:00.010Z

(NES, Vic Tokai, 1988, JPN title: Kamigami No Tasogare)
Duke Togo AKA Golgo 13 is an assassin for hire and the world's greatest sniper. Appearing in many Manga books, anime and live action films since 1969, The brainchild of Takao Saito has travelled across the globe silently executing targets in the unlikeliest of situations with paranormal precision whilst still finding time to bang every hot girl he comes across. A silent, unmoving and emotionally blank man. Golgo 13 has a perfect record. If you're on his list, you're already dead.

He can't flying kick to save his life though.

As one of two NES games featuring our boy Togo, Top Secret Episode features side scrolling fighting, helicopter schmupping, scuba diving action, third-person dialogue exchanges and first-person sniping and tunnel sections, a lot for our humble NES to comprehend. Golgo has been hired to investigate the disappearance of a biological weapon known as "Cassandra" which has fallen into the wrong hands. The adventure takes Golgo around the world as the player controls our lanky hitman in one of his deadliest adventures yet (Oh, and into a fight with HITLER'S BRAIN).
Golgo 13:TSE is REALLY difficult, both in its design and in its unresponsive control system, Golgo's sprite trundles along with a small variety of attacks that have a habit of "ghosting" through the enemies, along with a super high flying kick that's fairly useless. Occasionally someone will take a shot at Golgo and the game switches to an Operation: Wolf style shoot-out. Once Golgo makes it to his contact there is a long dialogue cut-scene before he's sent back to his clunky war. Occasionally, Golgo will enter a building and the game will switch to a very basic first person section as Golgo negotiates a maze of corridors, trying to avoid booby traps with the aid of the provided map. As mentioned above, there are also scuba diving sections and very occasionally, a sniping situation which proves very unlucky for any man on the business end of Golgo's rifle scope.

So the game is quite sluggish and gets incredibly unfair once gun turrets and robots come into play against our ambling hero, but in the game's favour there is some great music, an intelligent storyline and an attempt to squeeze a whole host of genres into the NES's tiny memory. Top Secret Episode is more a victim of biting off a little more than it can chew and whilst it handles the shootouts and first person sections bravely, the side scrolling levels leave a lot to be desired.

Then again, tell me another game where smoking cigarettes and working the chicks gives you EXTRA HEALTH.

Now that's how you level up, Square.

45. Fiendish Freddy's Big Top O'Fun

2010-01-07T14:51:00.008Z

(Various Home, Gray Matter, 1990)
Many things were created to bring joy and laughter, things that bring a smile to your face and a song to your heart. Somewhere along the line, someone thought that the epitome of fun was a fully grown human in terrifying makeup and garish clothing, climbing out a tiny car and attacking his friends. Someone, somewhere, thought Clowns were damn funny.

I don't fear Clowns, but I know people who do and I understand their reasoning. Clowns are scary and sinister, that's why they are a staple of nightmarish horror: The Joker, Clownhouse, Stephen King's IT etc. Fiendish Freddy is the worst type of Clown, he's not an Auguste, or a Pierrot, or even a Hobo clown, he's one of those "wants to kill your employees and run you out of business so they can build an apartment complex in his name" clowns.
Fiendish Freddy's Big Top O'Fun consists of a series of circus act mini games, not like a Wii circus game though, as the titular clown has been hired to ruin your acts by bringing slapstick death and destruction to your performers, from throwing explosives at your juggler to obscuring the vision of your knife thrower and, as a comical coup de grace, cutting your tightrope walker in half with a circular saw.

Clowns sure are funny.

The player performs the various acts to the best of their ability, in spite of Freddy's interference and is judged by EVEN MORE CLOWNS after each act. Successful performances will cough up the cash to keep your circus up and running, but a string of failures will bring the final curtain down on the big top o'fun. Up to five players can take it in turns at each act, with the winner being the player who draws the most cash overall.

Fiendish Freddy's Big Top O'Fun is a novel game featuring large, cartoony sprites, classic circus music and a sick sense of humour. The games are fairly enjoyable but a little trial and error, often requiring several plays before you get the hang of each act. The Spectrum and C64 ports do very well to incorporate all the scenes, sound and music of the Amiga version but the C64 loses graphic quality and the Spectrum loses ALL colours (The entire game is in black and blue)
One massive problem holding the game back is a horrible loading system, on tape it's incredibly hard work and multi-loads everything, you seem to be pressing play every two minutes. The Amiga version still suffers from lengthy load times which break the natural flow of the game.
Fiendish Freddy is still a good concept idea though, with a warped vision of entertainment and a nice visual and aural style which captures the classic "Roll up Roll up" circus feel. It's worth trying out just to experience it. With all the horrible family mini game packs pouring out, maybe someone should give Freddy a call to come along and liven things up.

And, now, from a Sesame Street episode, proof that Clowns are HILARIOUS!

I swear after he said "Me too" I thought he was gonna put a gun to his head.

46. Wayne's World

2010-01-06T09:40:00.013Z

(SNES/MD/Genesis, Radical Entertainment, 1993)
Read through my list (please) and look at some of the beautiful works people have created for your interactive entertainment. These are the results of hard work and dedication of talented and committed people. They put drive, passion and effort into creating something that will bring escapism, joy and pleasure. Works that will last through the ages and be referenced for years to come. These people got paid for their work and are rewarded with successful careers doing what they love.

The people who made Wayne's World got PAID.

Straight for the jugular here as I'm not going to bore thee with details of the movie (which I am fan of, incidentally) Wayne's World was crapped onto consoles amongst the early 90's rage of saying wacky things like "Not!" which was as nauseating as people today saying "How random!" (No, actually it wasn't as annoying) A horribly made platformer, the game follows Wayne Campbell as he searches for Garth who has been taken by something or other. Armed with his guitar, Wayne fails to make his way through each scene, attacking things like drum kits and milkshakes in a series of totally nonsensical and badly designed levels.

In between the levels we get misplaced attempts to capture the feel of the TV show, which features bad digitised stills of the characters reading long monologues that lose any potential humour when displayed as written word. The in-game samples are fuzzy and badly clipped, they are also sampled straight from the movie, as the actors I'm sure were not available to take part in the making of this abortion. Thankfully.
The controls are unresponsive, Wayne's jumping is unreliable and his attacks are slow, leading to much energy loss and repeated shoutings of "NOT!" "NOT! "NOT!" with him finally crying out "NOT WORTHY!" when he runs out of energy. The backgrounds are boring and repetitive and even the basics such as collision detection and difficulty balance have had no work put into them.

There is no reason whatsoever to play this, it's a crime against videogames and against Wayne's World. It's horrifying to think of the undiscovered talent that was struggling to find a place in the industry whilst these fucking cunts got paid to puke this pile of shit onto the shelves.
There's a bigger story here. You see, my rage isn't solely because of Wayne's World itself or with Radical Entertainment, it's just this game reminds me of the forever existing culture of video game companies that pay people to churn out bad games that they are fully aware are terrible, but knowingly release it to "con" gift buying relatives, franchise fans, movie goers or simply naive gamers into parting with their money for a product the company KNOWS isn't worth paying for.

Games that fit that description still exist today, maybe more so, as do the people who make them. Games with misleading titles and box art, bad games based on popular kids franchises, game shows or movies, made lightning fast and rush released, long before they've reached any level of quality control. If you are involved in the making of that type of game then you are a prick. I hope you lose your job and have to give up your house. Stay the fuck away from the industry we love, you are con artists shilling your wares and exploiting unknowing customers in order to make a quick buck, so you can grab the few undeserved sales you can and vanish into the night, leaving your unlucky victims disappointed and out of pocket.

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

47. Kikstart 2

2010-01-06T08:37:00.006Z

(C64/Spectrum/Amiga/Amstrad, Mr Chip, 1987)
As of this writing, many people are classing Trials HD as their game of the year for 2009, the downloadable stunt fest is simple in concept but incredibly difficult to master and dangerously addictive. It has attractive 3D on 2D plain graphics and is all about the physics of gravity, motion, momentum and balance. As a package it is a superb score/time attack experience.

Back in the 80's Britain had a TV series by the name of Kickstart, it featured an array of mentalists attempting to complete wacky courses on trials bikes whilst simultaneously trying not to die. It was very popular and ran for nearly ten years.
Off the back of this show's popularity, Mastertronic released two games that were mysteriously similar to the show (they just dropped the "C" from the title) Today, we look at the superior second game. Kikstart 2 was a bare bones bike trials simulator in which one or two players would race along a course, negotiating a series of jumps, water hazards, fences, pot-holes, lakes and many other obstacles, using the physics of speed, momentum and balance to traverse the trickier sections. Failure to judge the terrain or stick a landing would result in the rider performing an awesome 30 foot forward flip over the handlebars (A stunt I achieved myself once at the age of about six)

There was an impressive selection of courses but the real beauty came from the in-game course designer, which allowed players to build their own death tracks from all the items available. I spent hours with my friend Gary designing what we thought were the ULTIMATE stunt environments, looking back, we just stuck a bunch of ramps together and added fire, but hey, I was like seven years old, ramps, wheelies and fire were pretty damn exciting.
Kikstart 2 was fun, smooth and incredibly competitive, the C64 version had the one of the single most memorable and catchy SID tunes ever composed. Like the current success of Trials HD shows, just over twenty years later, some concepts never change, you can ramp up the graphics and sound for the new generation, but as long as the "hook" is still there, you've got playability for life.

True story. When I played GTA: Vice City, I attempted the bike trials arena and repeatedly failed. Thank God for my friend Linus, who then sang the Kikstart 2 tune on a loop whilst I tried the course once last time.
I passed with flying colours. Sometimes, it's all about the motivation.

48. Castlevania: Symphony Of The Night

2010-01-04T14:29:00.008Z

(Various Home, Konami, 1997)
How do you encapsulate some of these games in short text? With some games it's a challenge, with others, it's clearly impossible.
Castlevania: SOTN is a game which has already had so much written about it, so all I can do is briefly describe the game then attempt to put across my opinions of it. I'm pretty sure I can't sum up a game like this in a short journal entry.

Originally released for the Playstation and Sega Saturn, SOTN marks a massively important new direction for the long running Castlevania franchise, taking their standard action platform style and adding incredibly deep RPG elements and open ended gameplay, along with a Pandora's box of secrets and immense replay value.
Set roughly halfway through the muddled Castlevania timeline, SOTN sees Alucard, son of Dracula and the most emo man ever, traverse the castle attempting to stop his father's wrongdoings, along the way he will meet Maria Renard and Richter Belmont, sporting an all new crazy personality.

So begins an epic and labyrinthine story that unfolds across the huge castle, featuring an enormous array of rooms and monsters for the player to work their way through, collecting a variety of weapons, armour, familiars and spells along the way. Though at heart a platformer, SOTN features all the HP, MP, attack points, defence points and levels you would expect from any standard RPG, including specific weaponry, armour and items to help defeat each and every creature you come across. After many hours of searching, collecting and fighting. Alucard will face Richter, defeating him will be the end of the game.... or will it?
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night is a perfect game, featuring lavish, beautifully animated visuals, a classically performed music score and an incredibly deep game engine. It is a game that can be blindly fired through and completed, without the player even realizing what he could have missed or been missing, as what was the end for many players, could merely be the halfway point for others, or even 25% for the die-hard Castlevania player. The game encourages the player to spend as long periods searching every nook and cranny of the castle and finding as many magical items as possible in order to open up a whole new host of routes, rooms and vicious boss fights against an army of the most satanic creatures ever dreamt up for a videogame.

Every inch of SOTN screams class, from the art, sprites and backgrounds to the visual effects, sound and the above mentioned music score. SOTN is a game that demands your attention, your best playing abilities and some lateral thinking skills. Konami proudly present you with one giant riddle then sit back as you slowly work your way through the puzzle and put all the pieces together. Very few games carry the same level of excellence in all departments, and when the only real negatives come from the horrible, but thankfully brief voice acting, then you know you are playing something that is nothing short of brilliance. SOTN's commitment to beauty and excellence makes it the videogame equivalent of Rembrandt, Da Vinci or Mozart.
I was wrong, I can sum it up in one line, let alone a whole entry:

Castlevania: Symphony Of The Night is a masterpiece, it's one of the best games ever made.

49. The Warriors

2010-01-03T11:47:00.006Z

(PS2/XBOX/PSP, Rockstar, 2005)
When the good people at Rockstar Toronto sat down to work on a videogame based on a movie from 1979, I'm sure a few eyebrows were raised as to whether it could work. A film tie-in? a SEVENTIES film tie-in? Questions must have been asked as to whether there was a demograph for such a game or whether making it was essentially redundant.
They should know better. Never bet against the R*

The Warriors is a superbly realised and wonderfully constructed labour of love that manages to take an eighty minute movie narrative and extend it into a great game playing experience. As the characters from Walter Hill's classic gang warfare tale, one or two players journey through the events of the movie, stretched out with scenes that take place before the fateful night and a few flashback levels thrown in showing how each member of the gang originally earned their stripes. Played in third person, The Warriors is a fast paced brawler with sandbox elements, the gang reside in the hub world of Coney Island and venture out to various areas of New York to perform missions, along the way various side quests and time killers can be performed (spraying your tag all over the city, mugging, stealing car radios or just straight up starting rumbles with New York's array of incredibly camp gangs)

The game manages to cram in a whole lot of stuff to do and does it all pretty well, with various modes, sub-games and hidden rewards mess to around with. The fighting mechanics are very sound, each member has his own style of fighting and it's all real down and dirty stuff. Don't be expecting Queensbury rules here as almost everything in the world can be picked up, thrown through, slammed against or shattered in the name of creating exquisite mayhem, these aren't battles, these are wars.
The gameplay is more than good enough, but it is in the presentation that The Warriors truly steps up to the plate, the game features many of the original actors performing machinima versions of all the movie's events, scripted and shot incredibly accurately. It would have been so each to stick the original video in but to the developers credit, they keep the flow by retelling the entire movie in-game. The game features all the classic songs from the soundtrack and has the iconic, sultry voiced DJ narrating all the events as they transpire.

There's little more that can be said about The Warriors when it can only be really experienced through play, the game works because of it's "total package" so to speak, which is something that is difficult to put into words, you just need to experience the visuals, sounds and brutal fights for yourself in order to "get it"

So, maybe Rockstar did take a huge chance with The Warriors, but it paid off handsomely as the resulting game broke two cliches. The Warriors manages to be both a modern day brawler with depth and style and a film tie-in that doesn't stink up the joint.
In fact I'll go further, I'm sure that The Warriors is the very best and most faithful film tie-in ever. Yes, including Hudson Hawk.

Come out to play.

50. Deadly Creatures

2009-12-29T18:12:00.005Z

(Wii, Rainbow Studios, 2009)
Do you know what people love? MASSIVE SPIDERS.
Sorry, did I say love? I meant "horrifyingly detest" Spiders probably place somewhere between used medical syringes and anthrax on the cuddle list of most humans. They are amongst Earth's most hated denizens. Mankind is foolish though, As one of nature's bravest, most agile and hardest working creatures, the spindly wonders do nothing but good for the world and are far more useful to humanity than you are.

THQ's Deadly Creatures is one of the most recent and most original games to make the list. The result of a dream by a developer at Rainbow Studios, Deadly Creatures tells the intertwining tale of a Tarantula and a Scorpion going about their business in a harsh desert, played against a background story of two men searching for buried civil war gold.
The player controls our two unlikely heroes alternately through the arid plains and grasslands. As they are animals doing their thing, there is no "objective" as such, you just scuttle through the 360 degree terrain, using your wits and survival instincts to overcome an array of attackers such as rats, spiders, bugs, mosquitoes and a deadly rattlesnake who chases our friends in a running battle throughout the game. What will happen when the protagonists meet and how will their existence affect the gold scavenger's plans?
The Wii is infamous for having a disgusting array of non-games, with Nintendo occasionally busting out a fan favourite sequel to keep the dedicated happy. Deadly Creatures is a true oddity for the console, with no direct objective, mute protagonists and the only plot coming from events taking place overhead, Creatures is like nothing else and comes across more an experiment or even an experience than it does a videogame. It's a mixed bag really, the Wii control system has so-so relevance as game could just as easily be controlled with analogue sticks and the boss fights generally come down to drawn out quicktime battles. On the plus side, the attempt to capture the microscopic landscape is done with great style and the animation on the critters themselves is wonderfully realistic and creepy. The combat is frankly surreal, with your levelled up character dishing out hilarious set-piece beatdown combos worthy of Jason Bourne, which is badly juxtaposed against the "real life" aspects of the game. The gold digging backstory is played with great aplomb by resident psychos Dennis Hopper and Billy Bob Thornton and there is genuine intrigue in how the Spider and Scorpion will become relevant in the humans adventure.

So the gameplay is just Ok, the controls generic and the visuals and sound are very good, but the real story here is the concept. In a world of yearly updates, generic sequels and embarrassing shovelware, Deadly Creatures is something truly original and one of those rare examples of a game where it's ability to scuttle up the charts is irrelevant.
Deadly Creatures was never going to turn the gaming world on it's head, it has no guns, no boobs, little dialogue and features some of the most feared animals that crawl the earth. Rainbow Studios can hold their heads high and proud that they devised something different and interesting and held it aloft as their labour of love.

Deadly creatures did fair in the reviews but was soon forgotten by the majority of gamers. It seems that, just like it's eight legged star, it is a misunderstood thing of beauty.

51. Def Jam: Fight For NY

2009-12-29T16:59:00.007Z

(PS2/Xbox/Gamecube, AKI/EA Canada, 2004)
"INFORMER! YOU KNOW ME DADDY ME SNOW ME I GO BLAAAAAAME, A LICKY BOOMBOOM DOWN!"
Hip-hop based games generally fall into two categories, embarrassingly immature and embarrassingly un-cool (I also rate highly in both cases) Violent hip-hop games usually have painfully cliched scripts, stereotypical racist characters and a whole lotta faux "Ghetto" stylings.

Fortunately, Whilst guilty of some of the above crimes, Def Jam Fight For NY does it's very best to avoid "gritty realism" and instead presents an incredibly over-the-top fighter that takes brawling to a whole new level. A sequel to the earlier wrestler Def Jam: Vendetta, DJFFNY removes the ring and pinfalls but keeps the same engine and controls that AKI used for their incredibly popular N64 wrestling games. The game also adds a new selection of fighting styles plus the option to hybrid them into your own mixed martial art (A kickboxer who also does submission holds for example)
The players then take their urban warriors into a selection of very varied battlegrounds ranging from a bar and a nightclub to a power plant and penthouse office. For purists there are arenas featuring a ring and a steel cage. The battles are very fast and require a mastery of the controls and lightning reflexes. Weapons, environmental attacks and even the crowd themselves get involved in the wild, out of control brawls until only one man (or woman) is left standing.

The game has a huge roster of stars from Ice-T and Busta Rhymes to Ludacris and Flavor Flav, even Henry Rollins, Carmen Electra and the craggy faced Danny Trejo turn up to join in the throwdowns. There is a story mode where you take your own created fighter through a generic tale of betrayal and revenge, along the way utilizing a neat shopping section with a wide selection of clothing, jewellery and tattoos to make your homeboy as cookie cutter cool as you want him to be.
DJFFNY is an absolute joy to play, it's a deceptively deep, brutally violent, brilliantly imagined fighting game, with smooth controls and unbelievably absorbing sound and visuals, the models are beautifully designed and animated and the impact on the moves is better than any wrestling game I've ever played before or since with every smack, smash, kick, slam and bone break coming through loud and clear while accompanied by the roar of the crowd. DJFFNY is somehow the best wrestling game that isn't a wrestling game ever devised.
On paper, it should have be a quickly thrown together, fingers crossed, bog standard celebrity beat-em-up. By employing the fantastic minds of AKI Corporation, EA managed to create an immensely playable brawler with atmospheric style. This franchise should have been destined for next-gen greatness but, unfortunately, the redesigned Def Jam:ICON missed its target completely.

To ignore DJFFNY because of it's Hip-hop cliches and celebrity involvement is an understandable, but huge mistake to make. It's one of the smoothest, crunchiest and slickest scrappers ever released.
Word to your Mother.

52. Virtua Cop

2009-12-27T17:44:00.005Z

(Arcade/Saturn/PC/PS2, AM R&D Department, 1995)
When a gang of heavily armed square faced criminals are planning to hold a weapons deal on the docks, what do you do? Well, If you're the Virtua City Police Department, you just send in two guys who are hanging around the station, don't worry, they supply them with kneepads. KNEEPADS. Gee, thanks.

Virtua Cop hit the arcades in the mid 90's as part of Sega's ground breaking "Virtua" series. Tackling various genres this series, though a little rough around the edges, would build the foundations of many Sega releases for years to come and would be an important selling point of their new Saturn console.
Virtua Cop has one or two players taking on the evil EVL corporation (not a typo) Arriving at three crime scenes, VCPD's finest Lego looking officers blast their way through the criminals whilst avoiding the comically voiced innocent civilians who, as usual, feel the need to leap into your line of fire as opposed to keeping their heads down "DON'T SHOOT ME!"
After taking down the EVL corp. The players must battle the syndicate's boss to finally free blocko-land from crime.

Virtua Cop redefined the lightgun shooter, using huge polygons, an auto targeting zoom effect and an innovative 3D rail route that took the players in and around the locations, a far cry from the usual fixed side scrolling camera and slide into view baddies. The enemy also reacted to the placing of the shots, from dropping his gun from his exploding hand to a John Woo style spin through the air. For a generation of lightgun users attuned to their victims falling backwards slightly and flickering, it was an exciting time indeed. Especially if you could get over the fact VC looked like Lethal Enforcers meets a Dire Strait's video.

Virtua Cop has its issues, the gangsters all look very similar and the game is only three stages long, but this is more due to the limits of the technology at the time than anything else. The soundtrack is cliched and cringe-inducing at points but, as a 90's Sega arcade, this is to be expected.
Virtua Cop was a ground-breaking title that would spawn a great second and not so great third sequel. The game is still incredibly satisfying to play and whilst the game's square faced, badly coloured characters might be hilarious to look at now, it cannot be denied that it was a critical turning point for the lightgun genre that, had AM R&D not evolved it right here, may not be around today...

...and a world without House Of The Dead is a world I would denounce.

53. The Chaos Engine

2009-12-26T12:46:00.008Z

(Various Home, Bitmap Brothers, 1993, Alt title: Soldiers Of Fortune)
Gaming constantly changes, but doesn't. Graphics improve, effects improve, voice acting, music, controls, every aspect of the visuals, sounds and style of videogames changes and evolves. Just check out Wolfenstein then Modern Warfare or Rally X then Forza 3. Gaming itself, however, stays the same. To true gamers, the old school is just as playable as the new school, because a good game is a good game, regardless of how it looks or sounds. Gaming constantly changes, but doesn't.

The Chaos Engine is a product of its time. Made by small, dedicated development team The Bitmap Brothers, Chaos Engine is a top-down shooter set in a dark, grimy dystopian future. As the game's legendary intro tells us, scientists experimenting with time travel technology have caused a rip and plunged Britain into chaos, freeing dinosaurs and mutants and disrupting weather, flora and fauna. Whats more, the technology has become sentient has must be destroyed.
Enter six battle hardened mercenaries for hire. Attempting to take down the machine (and charge a small fortune while they're at it.)

The game is a REAL hardcore shooter, two of the six characters (two players or one player plus CPU) run and gun their way through four worlds of total warfare, taking on a barrage of vicious creatures and collecting keys, power-ups and gold which can be spent levelling up your characters and their weaponry. Clearing bilghty of all evil will bring you up against the machine itself in a final battle to return the country to it's former sanity. Chaos Engine is infamously very difficult and a real test of the skills of even the very best gamers. Completing it is an achievement in itself, completing it on one life makes you some kind of freak.
The game is at its best on the Amiga, which is unarguably its home and one of the format's trademark games. While still playable on consoles, it feels like it isn't best suited, "The Chaos Engine: McDonalds edition" if you will. It's almost as if the game is too underground for Nintendo or Sega's broader demograph. This opinion is semi-proven by the censorship of the game on such formats. Trying to give The Chaos Engine "wider appeal" is to miss the whole concept of the game itself.

It seems like The Chaos Engine is simply a classic game, but it runs much deeper than that. Regarding my first paragraph, The Chaos Engine represents everything that should make a game... a game. It has action, strategy, storytelling, character development and optional multiplayer. It is a test of skill, nerve and reflexes. It unashamedly puts the odds against you and demands that you rise to the challenge, it has an interesting world populated with artistic characters and is backed with perfectly matched music and sound. Most importantly, it represents the imagination, solid planning and unbridled passion of its core developers.

Gaming changes, but The Chaos Engine transcends those changes, being everything a game should be while keeping the control, graphics and concept to the bare essentials. It is a game that stands proud and unapologetic and The Bitmap Brothers deserve recognition for their hard work and commitment toward it.

The Chaos Engine isn't just a game. The Chaos Engine is gaming.