30/03/2010

"..Does 'Dis Fella Weigh?"


-"How much does 'dis fella weigh?"-
(Art Donovan, WWF King Of The Ring 1994)
One of the single most important jobs in pro-wrestling is commentary. As a commentator, it is your job to narrate the action, directing the viewers eyes toward certain events, reminding them of how the match came about and encouraging sympathy or anger from the viewer toward a particular wrestler and his attitude.
The announcer is the storyteller and the star-maker and it is essential that he uses his voice and vocabulary range to provoke the desired response from the home audience.

It is a truly lost art, many of today's commentators do not have what it takes, I recently watched the interminable team of Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Matt Striker stumble their way through Wrestlemania XXVI showing shallow bias, weak emotion and a complete misunderstanding of psychology. Seriously, they were awful. Current pro-wrestling commentary causes the late, great commentator Gordon Solie to turn in his grave. The only man to reach Solie's level, Jim Ross, has been MIA for a while now. It looks as if one of the single most important aspects of pro-wrestling storytelling is long gone, at least from the West.

Vince McMahon has, from time to time, put the headsets on special guests, bringing in celebrities and the like to sit alongside his team and provide insights on the action. It is understandable that to these guests the action playing out in front of them is baffling and difficult to follow, so mostly they stay fairly quiet and follow the lead of the in-house commentary team.

But not Art Donovan, Oh no. Art Donovan will be forever remembered as the number one reason why a celebrity should rarely, if ever, be placed at the all important ringside table.
WWF's King of The Ring 1994 Pay-per-view emanated out of Baltimore, so Vince roped in local football hero Art Donovan to give the commentary some "Home town" appeal. Donovan, however, had no knowledge or interest in pro-wrestling and had clearly not been briefed on anything prior to the show regarding workers, storylines or, God forbid, what "pro-wrestling" was.

So, the live show began and, beside the team of veteran announcer Gorilla Monsoon and veteran nutcase Randy Savage, Donovan proceeds to consistantly and thoroughly hit the airwaves with a vast line of constant questions and surreal observations to the faux-fights that were happening before his puzzled expression..
"How much does 'dis fella weigh?" "Who's 'dis guy?" "Did dat really hurt 'im?" "Who's dat guy over dere? "What's she screaming about?" "Can he really kick 'im wid his feet?" "How much does 'dis fella weigh?" "HOW MUCH DOES 'DIS FELLA WEIGH?" "Who's der fella in der white over dere?" "I fink dat guy's dead!!" "Who's dat guy again?" "Is he gonna wrestle wiv dat stuff on?"

Donovan continued this way for the entire three hours of the show. Asking the same questions over and over and not even learning from the answers, he would ask a wrestler's name after repeatedly hearing it mentioned, then would ask it again two minutes later.
It had the exact same effect as when your mum comes in halfway through a film you're watching and constantly asks you random questions about the plot, except she's being paid for it and is doing it in front of an international home audience live on TV.

Art Donovan's commentary is the stuff of legend and whilst it was rage-inducing at the time, today it is hilariously funny and a plus point on what is essentially a fairly dull show. Play-by-play in any sport is incredibly difficult and takes years of practice and on the job experience to raise to a level where your abilities can make superstars out of so-so performers.
In a perfect world, the headset should never be donned by anyone who isn't capable of perfectly capturing the action and story for those at home, but in the wacky world of pro-wrestling, having a moron on the mic can sometimes be just one more guilty pleasure to facepalm over.

17/03/2010

"Time To Man-Up"


(Catchphrase, The Briscoe Brothers, Ring Of Honor)
Pro-wrestling has transformed dramatically in the last ten years or so. A new breed of young wrestlers on the independent circuit have developed a new style, mixing the brutality and high risk of the East with the character and theatre of the West. Ring Of Honor (ROH) is a promotion that has showcased this style to the masses. A borderline suicidal mix of hard strikes and overly choreographed, incredibly dangerous maneuvers that showcase the lengths these young men and women will go to prove the worth of their sport and the passion they are willing to live, breath and die for providing entertainment to the fans and displaying their love of their craft.

The Briscoes are perfect examples of this new wave of pro-wrestlers, Jay and Mark are two Delaware born brothers in their mid-twenties who wow the audience with complicated moves and fast paced, hard hitting action that defies both physics and death itself.
Wrestling since the start of the last decade, The Briscoes built a reputation for themselves in various independent promotions, but have made their biggest mark on the business mainly through Ring Of Honor, where they have developed a personal link with the fans that goes beyond any shallow hero worship and into deep respect.

The Briscoes wrestling style cannot be really described due to its complexity. Essentially, it combines vicious martial art strikes and kicks with perfectly timed two and three man combination holds that, should they be mis-communicated, would result in dangerous and possibly fatal injury. This style has garnered the brothers huge popularity throughout the world, including Japan where their intricate double-team moves wow the Eastern crowds.

I should make it clear that I don't care one bit for that style of wrestling, I think it is overly dangerous, unnecessarily violent and leads to the shortening of men's careers and lives. I grew up watching pro-wrestlers entertain crowds of thousands with simple moves combined with body language and emotional psychology. Hulk Hogan, for example, would bring an arena to its feet by cupping his hand to his ear and performing a basic legdrop as opposed to landing on his head repeatedly for the approval of a few hundred fans on the independent circuit.

I am not jaded enough however, to be unaware that that was thirty years ago and that the business has changed since then. Whilst the ROH style of wrestling isn't for me (and that's purely fearing for the lives and spines of the men performing it) I can't deny that, like any good stunts, it is impossible not to appreciate the athleticism, technical ability and trust that these wrestlers have and put on the line for their devoted and die-hard fanbase.

The Briscoes are poster boys for a style of wrestling that I honestly wish hadn't been invented, but they are masters of their craft and of both the old and new aspects of the pseudo-sport.
I do not deny the Briscoes their talent, heart, drive, passion and masterful skills.
I just hope they can still walk ten years from now.

"Problem With The Rockers?"


-"Is there a problem with The Rockers?... I don't think so."-
(Shawn Michaels, The Barber Shop, 1992)
Wham! were a hugely successful pop act, George Michael and Andrew Ridgely had huge success throughout the 80s. Eventually, however, one member of the team outgrew the other and before you knew it, there was a split. George Michael went on to international superstardom and phenomenal success, Ridgely went his own way and slowly drifted into obscurity.

The crazy parallel here is that legendary tag-team "The Rockers" have exactly the same story. Seriously you could just use the above paragraph but change the names to Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty and it all still stands (Well, apart from the pop act bit)
The Rockers were a pioneering tag-team in the 80s, two pretty-boy good guys who wooed the ladies and dropped the opposition with innovative high flying maneuvers and risky, sometimes death defying stunts. They eventually made their way to the WWF where the quickly established themselves as fan favourites with their fruity outfits and sexy mullets.

Shawn Michaels, the younger of the two Rockers, was hungry for more, both on camera and off. In his book, he describes the time he made the decision to become THE man in pro-wrestling and after a short, ass-kissing meeting with Vince McMahon, he got his wish.
A storyline began where Michaels was growing tired of sharing the spotlight with Janetty and that his party and girls fuelled lifestyle was costing the team its integrity. As a last ditch effort to save the long travelled partnership, Jannetty called Michaels out on the WWF's abortionate interview segment "The Barber Shop" hosted by the dreadful Brutus Beefcake.

Jannetty and a super smug Michaels argued briefly before Jannetty gave Michaels an ultimatum: Walk away now and do your own thing, or shake his head and get back to business. The crowd cheered Michaels to go back to his likeable, trusting tag partner and, after pondering the situation, Michaels grabbed Jannetty by the hand then raised his arm as the crowd roared its approval.

It was time for George Michael to release "Careless Whisper"

Out of nowhere, Michaels blasted Jannetty in the face with his trademark superkick and the shocked crowd started raining boos down on him. Grabbing Jannetty by the hair, Michaels thrust him face-first through the window of the Barber Shop set, which was, at the time, an incredibly violent scene by the WWF's standards. Jannetty bladed and came back a bloody mess.

Michaels turned to the camera and, stating the above quote, tore a picture of The Rockers in half, walking off set to howling derision from the audience.
The rest is history, Shawn Michaels took his sexy boy, super arrogant, smug-bastard character to the bank and began to work on his legacy, becoming what many people believe to be the finest pro-wrestling performer of all time.
I would write more about his future endeavours, but when it comes to Shawn Michaels, this is the first appearance of many he is due to make in this list, having been controversially involved in almost every major incident in pro-wrestling, both on and off screen.

The Barber Shop was a damn terrible WWF segment, but it gave birth to one of the absolute best performers the business would ever see.

12/03/2010

"Just Hurting All The Time"


(Terry Funk's Doctor, Beyond The Mat, 1999)
For the uninitiated, Beyond The Mat is an awesome documentary film by Barry Blaustein. Released at the height of pro-wrestling's boom in the very late 90's, the film presents the behind the scenes of the business in a respectful and intelligent manner. It is not just a great documentary about wrestling, it is a great piece of documentary film-making in general. I would encourage everyone to check it out, wrestling fan or not. Whilst some of the aspects of the business shown are outdated today, depressingly, all the negative elements of pro-wrestling it reveals are still relevant and probably always will be.

Terry Funk is a legendary Texan wrestler who has consistently performed for decades, selling out arenas in the U.S and Japan for generations of wrestling fans. Terry Funk's legacy transcends the business and his achievements are etched in the annals of time. This legacy however, comes at a painful price.

One section of Beyond The Mat follows Funk as he approaches one of his many "retirements" A very short scene shows Funk visiting his doctor who has some very sad words for him.
The doctor essentially tells Terry how he's knees are doing, his descriptions would be incredibly shocking for you or I to hear but Funk, a man who has been in the business since forever, takes the information on board and gets back to work.

-Doctor: "On your good knee, your left knee, you have moderate to severe degenerative arthritis. You don't have good joint space here, you have narrowing of the space..arthritic spicules in there and it's not going to function very well,. It ought to be able to get by, the rest of your life just hurting all the time.
On your bad knee, your right knee, you have NO joint space, you have severe degenerative arthritis, you have worn that knee out, it's been hurt too many times and you are gonna need a new knee.
You need a new knee NOW."

-Funk: "..If I don't have an operation..Can I go ahead and live comfortably.. get around comfortably"

-Doctor: "You shouldn't be able to get around comfortably now. This ought to give you pain chronically, it ought to be disabling to you.... There's not a lot we can do and chronic pain for the next thirty or forty years isn't a fun thing to think about."

To hear a man's anatomy described so destructively is misery-inducing. The idea that his "good knee" has barely any joint left is shocking. What truly makes this scene especially tragic is that anyone knowing Funk would be aware that his concerns are less about his condition, but about whether he can fulfill his future work commitments.

I don't need to write anything else, It's a scene that speaks for itself. A fifty year old man with the legs of a ninety five year old, preparing to step into the ring again despite the consequences. The best case scenario being constant pain in one knee forever and the other needing replacement.
When you're a pro-wrestler, I guess you could just call losing the ability to walk an "occupational hazard"

"Get The "F" Out"


(Slogan, World Wrestling Federation/Entertainment, 2001)
In 1963, a dispute between Vince McMahon Sr. and partner promoters resorted in McMahon opening his own promotion, The World Wide Wrestling Federation (WWWF) McMahon's company traded under this name for over fifteen years, before a cosmetic name change was made, dropping the "Wide" part to make the shorter World Wrestling Federation (WWF)
This name became synonymous with Western professional wrestling throughout the 80's and 90's.

The World Wildlife Fund For Nature (WWF) had used the same initials since it's inception in 1961, but generally the two companies had little to no issues with the fact that the other company shared the same name. In 1994, an agreement was reaced wherein The Wildlife Fund and the Wrestling Federation came to an agreement that McMahon would be allowed to use the WWF initials internationally but limited it's permissibility in certain areas, particularly merchandising.

However, in 2000 the charity believed that the McMahon had violated these terms and filed a lawsuit against the wrestling promotion. In 2001, an English court decided in favour of the Panda pals and, on May 5th of that year, the wrestling federation officially changed its twenty year old trading name to World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE). McMahon changed his companies branding literally overnight, one day they were WWF.com, twenty-four hours later, they were WWE.com.
Using the slogan "Get The "F" Out" WWE did its trademark "re-write history" thing as it blindly punched its audience in the face that the company was now the WWE and had never, ever been called the WWF, ever ever. They even released a T-shirt line with the slogan emblazoned on it.

Without boring you with all the dull law-speak, there are a bizarre mix of rules and loopholes associated with the name change. All merchandise bearing the WWF name had to be taken off shelf by a certain date, meaning a massive discount on all WWF branded merchandise the world over which was a bonanza for collectors. All DVD releases of WWE events before the name change had heavy visual and audio editing to remove any and all references to "WWF" This results in a very horrible viewing experience and has rapidly increased the value of "original" non-edited versions of these events. WrestleMania XVII (arguably the greatest WrestleMania) is rendered nearly unwatchable in its censored form, a mass of blurs and audio cuts. It resembles my vision after I eat cheese (no, really)

The only thing more blurry than WWE DVDs are the loopholes. A rule disallows the audio of anyone saying "WWF" BUT only one visual version of the WWF logo is banned, meaning the company can show this logo on their DVDs if they wish: (1984-1997)


but not this logo: (1997-2001)


As one final freak hypocrisy, the UK DVDs of older events are not censored. An international loophole allows publisher Silvervision to release all past events visually and audibly intact, only U.S distributed DVDs are censored. This has obviously led to a huge market of Stateside wrestling fans importing the UK DVDs in for their collection.

When all is said and done, the company now IS World Wrestling Entertainment and has been for many years now. Personally, I think it was a load of bullshit politics over nothing and although pro-wrestling is not really a business you want your charity to be confused with, I think the whole lawsuit was a hugely unnecessary on the animal-lovers part....
..Well, maybe not "hugely"

08/03/2010

"Is That Fake?"


-"What's that? Is that fake? Huh? What the hell's wrong with you? That's a open hand slap, Huh? You think it's fake?"-
("Dr.D" David Schultz, 20/20 Report, 1984)
During the pro-wrestling boom of the 1980's, a million and one investigative reporters launched one-man missions to prove that the in-ring action was less than real, hopefully uncovering the "shocking" truth that pro-wrestling was indeed "fake" with choreographed moves, staged finishes and scripted outcomes.
Perish the thought.

John Stossel, right-on ABC reporter decided that he should join the leagues of men dedicated to telling you what you already know and being the first to do so.
So Stossel made his way to Madison Square Garden with his 20/20 investigative team armed with a microphone and the golden bow of truth. Backstage at the arena, Stossel confronted longtime journeyman "Dr. D" David Schultz and asked him some questions about the business, Schultz towed the company line and delivered some sneery lines about being a tough guy in a business where only the tough survive. Basically, Schultz cut a wrestling interview (as one would expect him to in the days where the business was "protected" from outsiders)

Stossel then ramps his smarmyness up to eleven, pithily mocking Dr. D's response, he then hits him with what he refers to as "The standard questions" Sounding smug as you like, Stossel implies that wrestling is fake, then a small nuclear explosion goes off on the left side of his head.
After being struck to the ground with a super extreme version of a clip round the ear, Stossel makes it back to his feet just in time to receive one for the road to the right side of his head, Stossel, now sans smugness, scurries off into the background and calls his lawyers.

After various apologies, investigations and lawsuits, Stossel walked away with nearly 500,000 dollars in damages and an constant buzzing in his ears. David Schultz walked away with his pink slip, but has continued to claim ever since that he was pre-warned by WWF officials that Stossel would call him on the business, and that he was ordered to slap the piss out of him if he did.
When all is said and done, it's simply an awesome and very funny piece of car crash TV. The Schultz/Stossel incident is an example of the lengths people used to go to in order to keep the secrets of the business under wraps in those pre-Internet times.
Today, the business is fully aware that most of its former "secrets" have become common knowledge and workers are far more likely to "break character" in public, but all of them put their bodies on the line for the people's entertainment and whilst what they do may not be completely legit, that doesn't mean that they don't deserve the media's respect for doing it.

Just ask John Stossel, speak loudly though.

05/03/2010

"Stand Back!"


-"Stand Back!"-
(Vince McMahon, Slammy Awards, 1987)
Vince McMahon is a twisted evil genius.
Part shrewd businessman, part evil mastermind and part total carny. The owner and proprietor of the WWE has built a billion dollar monopoly with his unstoppable drive, ruthless aggression and arrogant pride, all fuelled by a red-hot temper and a constant desire to be the best, always.

McMahon's various tactics and ideas that have gotten him this far can often be questionable at best, whether its buying up everyone elses best stars and shutting them down during the territory era, or whether its his infamous mud-slinging tactics he uses on any and all people who don't see his way, Vince McMahon has a nasty streak in him and is a man who can bear a grudge against an individual for an insanely long time, borderline an obsession.

McMahon however, is also a tireless patriot and humanitarian, ensuring that his global company regularly performs many acts for charities and the armed forces. McMahon is also a complete workaholic and has famously been working for hundreds of hours a week, every week since he first bought the WWE off his father in 1980.
As soon as Vince had control of the company, he took huge steps to take pro-wrestling from the countries many sporting arenas and turn it into a huge, multimedia icon. Vince worked hard to promote wrestling alongside music and movie stars, adding far more pomp and circumstance to wrestler's costumes, characters and entrances. Vince filled his shows with more interviews and wacky skits in an attempt to sell wrestling as a more theatrical production than an athletic contest, which is the way it had been viewed by the public for many years.
This wasn't "Sport" This was "Sports-Entertainment"

Our entry today concerns "The Slammy Awards" Vince's ridiculous idea for a "Grammys" style ceremony to award pointless trophies to his workers for their performances in a selection of terrible wrestling themed music albums that the WWF released in the late 80's.
The ceremonies were long, arduous and interminable and were a perfect example of everything the classic fan of the time hated about Vince's new direction for the sport they loved.
Vince didn't care about the old-timers or their traditions, what's more, he had a message for them, delivered in his own imitable style.

Because if you're going to tell a huge group of powerful and shady promoters that you're here to shut them down and take over their business. You might as well do it in style. So, backed by a twisted, wrestler based version of Jim Henson's Muppets band, McMahon delivered a warning to his opposition. I accept no responsibility for any mental raping experienced while watching this clip.


Total "Drunk dad at a wedding" enjoyment.
Vince McMahon is a man of questionable ethics, die-hard work practices and unforgiving business methods, but damn, the kid can move.

04/03/2010

"What I'd Like To Have..."


-"What I'd like to have right now, is for all you fat, out of shape, inner-city sweathogs, to keep the noise down, while I take my robe off and show you what a REAL sexy man, is supposed to look like... Hit the music."-
(Ravishing Rick Rude, 80's-90's)
Rick Rude was a hated man. A true heel, Rude made a career out of flaunting the fact that his perfectly chiseled physique was a far cry from the less than svelte anatomy of your average pro-wrestling fan.

Starting his career in the national territory system in 1983, the Minnesota born Richard Roode made his way from promotion to promotion, honing his craft and working on a character that drew guaranteed hate with little effort.
Rude arrived in the World Wrestling Federation in 1987, managed by Jimmy Hart at first but best remembered as a major player in manager Bobby Heenan's "Heenan Family" faction.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude would arrogantly stride to the ring and the call for his music to stop. Amidst deafening boos, Rude would slowly and deliberately recite the above phrase (or a variation of) before revealing his spectacular body to the audience. As a final insult, he would select an attractive woman from the audience and plant a sloppy kiss on her big-haired mush, known as "The Rude Awakening" Another Rude trademark was to have a huge variety of airbrushed tights, rarely wrestling in the same outfit twice.

Rick Rude was a master of the fine art of being a badguy, or "heel" as they are known in the business. Rude was capable of taking his act from town to town and achieving the same reaction from the audience due to his obnoxious arrogance and rule bending tactics. Rude was also aware that, in many cases, the job of the heel is to make the good guy, or "face", look incredible. Like a villain in any good action movie, the heel's role is to make the crowd hate him so much, that they will pay money to watch him get his face kicked in by the current flavour of the month hero.
This is a subtle art that all the best heels from any generation of pro-wrestlers are masters at, Rick Rude being one of them.

Rude plied his trade in the WWF for three years, feuding with Jake "The Snake" Roberts and The Ultimate Warrior, who Rude defeated to win the Intercontinental championship. The ravishing one then left the WWF to join up with rival company WCW, where he feuded with such legends as Ric Flair, Sting and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, whilst also having possibly the single most ass-kicking entrance theme ever written. Rude continued to appear in the late 90's in less physical managerial roles for both companies and the renegade upstart ECW promotion.

Rick Rude passed away from heart failure in 1999 at the age of forty, his contributions to the business will be solidly remembered and his trademark entrance routine and verbal abuse is the stuff of legend.

03/03/2010

"Broken In Half"


-"AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!!"-
(Announcer Jim Ross, The Undertaker Vs Mankind: Hell In A Cell, 1998)
Mick Foley loved pro-wrestling. As a young child, he and his friends would get together and film matches, storylines and interviews where he would display an innate ability to risk life and limb for the sake of a good stunt, consequences be damned.

Foley had been around the business for quite some time when he appeared in the WWF as masked lunatic Mankind, he already had developed a reputation for going above and beyond the standard threshold of risk and pain in his matches and had been the victim of many brutal injuries including the loss of half an ear during a match in Germany with behemoth Van Vader.

Mankind's dark persona was custom-made to be used in a storyline feud with dedicated WWF wrestler an all round professional The Undertaker, who was regularly feuding with similarly dark or twisted characters. The Taker/Mankind feud built until it was decided they would meet in Hell in a Cell, an Undertaker trademark match where the ring was surrounded by a sixteen foot steel mesh cage. The story had built to the point that this violent conclusion was inevitable.

The match began and Mankind made his way to the cell, then in a puzzling twist, he climbed the outside of the cell wall until he was positioned on its roof, high above the fans and the ring. Undertaker made his entrance and joined Mankind on top the monstrous construction. The two wrestlers gingerly brawled on the cell roof while various clips twanged and panels bent, it was a truly uncomfortable sight. Suddenly, scant seconds into the match. Undertaker grabbed Mankind and hurled him from the roof down onto one of the announce tables, obliterating it. The crowd stood and roared whilst millions of fans jaws around the world simultaneously dropped. It was an incredible and highly dangerous stunt that very few expected, but knowing Foley was involved, we should of known better.

After some medical help, it appeared the match was over. Incredibly, Mankind made it to his feet and re-climbed the cell, upon reaching the top, Undertaker choke-slammed Foley through the roof and into the ring below, a move which Foley has gone on record as stating was far more damaging than the more visually spectacular first fall and an event he has little to no recollection of. Following him down, The Undertaker continued to systematically dismantle Mankind until finally ending the match via a Tombstone piledriver and a bag of thumbtacks.

In wrestling, you don't always have to actually "win" matches to be a success, for those fans who weren't already aware of Foley's death-defying bumps, the Hell In A Cell match introduced them to a man who appeared to live to entertain the fans through his vulnerability and bloody-mindedness, living the principle of entertainment at any cost.

WWE have regularly used the Hell In A Cell footage in many highlight reels and it is a staple mention in discussions about pro-wrestling's most shocking events, or "Holy Shit" moments, as they are often called.
Sadly, this match also saw the beginning of a misguided attempt of constant one-upmanship and to this day many young wrestlers have fixated on the idea that a quick route to success is to nearly kill yourself in the ring, even if in front of a small, uncaring audience.
One of these days, someone will receive something much more permanent than crowd approval.

02/03/2010

Gaming Heroes


“The average is the borderline that keeps mere men in their place. Those who step over the line are heroes by the very act.. Go.”
- Henry Rollins

The concept of being able to do something, anything to help out any person in trouble or danger is one I'm hugely into.
A lot of people face various forms of oppression daily, sometimes through bullying or abuse at work, school or home, random violent attacks in the street, or simply when walking home and some stranger feels the need to spout off insults just to big themselves up.

Life is hard enough without having to constantly defend yourself from the rich, powerful, aggressive or just simply rude individuals that put my faith in your race at an all time low.
I do what I can to help others, it makes me feel better about myself, but I'm yet to take some kind of insanity fuelled vigilante stand...
..not yet, anyway.

So the following represents Gaming Heroes, a wide variety of videogame characters all essentially on the side of the good and true. Whilst each and every one of them may have his or her own honest or shady way of going about their business, some could even be considered anti-heroes, You can be safe in the knowledge that the completion of their tasks will essentially be in the name of justice.
Through them, we could be defending the innocent, punishing the guilty, gaining deserved revenge, rescuing the helpless and making the world a safer place, either for one individual or the entire known universe.

They are the imaginary characters who are free to do the right thing without the restrictions of fear and red-tape. They offer an important escape from a world where the an obsession on "rights" makes it a dangerous place to even defend yourself and others from the scumbags who would do us harm.

And while reading, never forget that heroes aren't fairytale, they exist in our world and are called into action across the globe each and every day. We are all the heroes of our own lives, but the real heroes will also a part of somebody else's.

Enjoy, and as always, feel free to comment.

--SPOILER WARNING--
Whilst I have tried to avoid discussing games from the last year or so, I cannot make ANY guarantees that any entries will be spoiler free. I will avoid spoilers only if I can without compromise.

"Hulkamania Is Here!"


-"Hulkamania Is Here!"-
(Announcer Gorilla Monsoon, Hulk Hogan vs The Iron Sheik, 1984)
Whether a wrestling fan or not, the whole world knows at least one wrestler and its usually Terry Bollea, known globally as superstar Hulk Hogan.

Hulk Hogan was one of the very first pro-wrestlers to receive worldwide recognition and acclaim. Though many wrestlers throughout the 80's were stars in their own right and were far better technical performers, Hogan was an international phenomenon, introduced to much of the world through his wacky "Thunderlips" role in Rocky III.

When Vince McMahon Jr bought the World Wrestling Federation from his father, he immediately sought to change the face of the business into a global entertainment franchise, dubbing his wrestlers "Superstars" and becoming fixated on the role that marketing and merchandise would play in expanding his business from a faux-sport to a crossover form of entertainment, part athleticism, action movie and rock show, all bright lights/big city.

McMahon saw Hulk Hogan, with his incredible frame and infectious charisma as the man to lead pro-wrestling into this new direction. Upon buying the company, Vince took the heavyweight title from long-time champ Bob Backlund and placed it on the villainous Iron Sheik. This led to a match between the self-belief proverb spouting red white and blue of The Hulkster versus the evil Iranian, twirly moustached villain (Those who do not know will soon get to learn pro-wrestling is as sensitive as a tea party between Hitler, the Ku Klux Klan and Mel Gibson)

During the match, Hogan broke the Sheik's feared Camel Clutch hold and started his soon to be regular routine match comeback. With a running leg drop of the ropes, Hogan pinned the Sheik to claim the WWF Heavyweight Championship.
Longtime announcer Gorilla Monsoon stated the above quotation and it was on. Hogan appeared repeatedly on WWF television espousing the virtues of "The training, the prayers and the vitamins" to his fanbase "The Hulkamaniacs" Hogan made regular appearances on MTV, mainstream television shows and in lifestyle magazines, he became the flag bearer for American pro-wrestling and a true global superstar, gaining a variety of merchandise and even THE WORLD'S MOST HORRIBLE CARTOON...

Hulk Hogan is a shameless self promoter and a man with questionable, but effective practices of ensuring he is, and will always be, one of the guys "on top" of the business.
Regardless, it cannot be denied that his legacy is solidly etched the annals of pro-wrestling history. Hogan had the look, the voice and the ability to make the fans come out in droves and, coincidentally, buy a helluva lot of T-shirts. Hogan was also one of the first of many WWF performers to work main event matches using mostly body language and psychology, whilst actually performing very little in the way of physical action. A lost art that would save many lives if it were still around today.

McMahon was off and running. No other promoter stood a chance.
"Brotha!"

Prologue - Wrestling Quotes


"For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who do not, no explanation will be good enough"
- Old saying

The above line is much used by people within the pro-wrestling industry, with good cause, as it is incredibly apt.
The sport of wrestling dates back thousands of years, but it's current incarnation of "Sports-Entertainment" is only a million light years away from the sport practiced by the Greeks in biblical times.
Mainstream pro-wrestling in the West falls under this "Sports-Entertainment" banner, a genre coined by World Wrestling Entertainment owner Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Essentially, it was the business, which had protected the truth for many, many years, coming clean about the fact that it was a choreographed spectacle with pre-determined results and a much heavier emphasis on the who's why's and wherefore's of matches than the actual athleticism of the "sport"

Pro-wrestling is an incredible money-making business and millions upon millions of dollars have been made and lost over the last thirty years. Companies have risen and fallen, men have reached superstar greatness and suffered unbelievable tragedy and this has played out on television screens the world over, the business constantly attempting to evolve, but usually falling foul of narrow-mindedness, bad practices or plain old greed.

I have been involved in the business on a super small scale as a backstage producer, student, wrestler and twenty five year fan. I have seen a history play out on TV ever since I was a child and have seen and read of the sacrifices and moral lows people will endure in order to make it in "the business" whether for fame and fortune in front of millions or just on an incredibly small, local independent level.

Pro-wrestlers are bizarre, passionate and complex individuals and much of the business is built on their talent and ego, as a result many things take place on and off camera that are far more dramatic then anything any promoter could have scripted for his workers. On the other side of the coin, sometimes moments are captured that propel a man to superstardom or capture the essence of the fine art of pro-wrestling in one photograph or spoken line.

Here is a list of Wrestling Quotes. These are single soundbites that tell many stories of the peaks and pitfalls that the wrestling business and the colourful characters within have been a part of for our entertainment. Moments that display the science and psychology of wrestling at it's absolute finest and the horrors of the business at its most depressingly tragic.

Please enjoy. Even if you are not a wrestling fan, some of these stories tell of the many dangers of trusting too much, believing your own hype and, most importantly, learning when to say "No"
As I've heard people exclaim many, many times:
"Only in pro-wrestling."

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If you are a faithful wrestling devotee, please don't be offended if I tell age-old stories or explain obvious terminology. I am writing this as much for people who have never watched a wrestling match in their lives as I am for those who have seen it all.

Many of these events can be viewed on YouTube or other video sites.